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Going from bestfriends to lovers

 
 
Reply Mon 19 May, 2014 12:45 am
Hi.

This is quite a long read but I just need someone's opinion. Especially guys. I'm moving on right now and I need hope as I can't find it in myself to trust people anymore...

Anyway. This is not a love story so consider yourselves warned.

I personally prefer to do things alone. While I enjoy the company of others, I'm comfortable just hanging by myself, watching movies, reading a book, staying at home etc.
But then things changed when I met Stephen. We were classmates in high school but got closer as we entered college. He was the opposite of me in some ways. He is outgoing, very friendly, and is also clingy.

People started noticing how good we look together, and started teasing us about it. We spent many of our times together, ate out, texted and chatted non-stop and hung out like bestfriends do. At first I brushed off all the teasing and speculations about us. I liked him as a friend and I enjoyed his company.

But then others' opinion of us started to get into my head. I know for a fact that he didn't want to fall for his bestfriend and risk losing the friendship as this happened to him twice already. I took this as a no and dismissed my feelings for him.
However, when I talked to him in person he said a statement contrary to what he wanted. He said maybe we should wait and there's just too much to lose by trying as once we get together we could break up and then lose the friendship etc etc. I was very confused by what he meant and I didn't make any move to clarify this with him. I was elated. THERE IS HOPE FOR US. He likes me too and I was willing to wait however long it takes.

After that talk we hung out like nothing changed. In my mind, he liked me back. He just wanted us to wait for the right time. He was clingy as before and quite possessive whenever I got close with other people. We took many classes together and hung out a lot. He did things he wouldn't normally do for friends like carry my bag, get jealous of friends I hung out with, accompany me wherever, do my projects etc.

Fast forward and things got confusing as he paired me off with another guy. I was confused. He said he wanted me, yet here he was teasing me and pushing me to date another guy.
I took this as another no from him and started moving on. However, he told people different statements about us. Like we're not together as he doesn't want to risk the friendship, or that he was overthinking about us etc. THIS MADE EVERYTHING MORE CONFUSING.

Months later he got together with his high school bestfriend. But they broke up months later. At this point, I was almost over him. We had different love lives now. Few months later, the guy I was getting into burnt out too.

And we are back to square 1. By this time, it's like my rose tinted love glasses were taken off and I saw him as he is and how he treats me. He was so afraid to get intimate or sweet or caring towards me. I could sense it in how he acts and speaks towards me. Regardless, we were still "best friends". For a year I tried to talk to him about this strain in our friendship. I was hinting he still thinks I like him and is being purposely mean to me as to drive me away. For a year we were fighting every now and then. I briefly felt my feelings come back for him but I just got so tired and fed up with our set-up I almost gave up on us. Before I kept clinging on to what he said before, which was to wait. However I can no longer take this toxic relationship and I still wanted to save our friendship.

When I can take it no longer, I mustered up everything and talked to him.

He started off by telling me that he never remembered saying that he wanted me to wait for him/us. I WAS DEVASTATED. For 2 years it was that one statement that gave me hope. He also said he wanted to reject me in the first place. AGAIN, WHAT THE HECK. Things got worse when he said he knew I was suffering and he said he was sorry and thanked me for being brave.

I could not believe it. He knew all those years that I was suffering, that we were having a strained relationship, and yet he didn't bother to clarify things with me.
He knew I liked him before and therefore all his actions might be misinterpreted. If he wanted me to move on, he would've rejected me straight up and would've given me time and distance away from him.
However he did the exact opposite after supposedly rejecting me and even acted as a clingy possessive bestfriend.

Now I don't know what to think of him and of me.

Am I right to say that there is a HUGE difference between rejecting a person and saying NO, and saying I don't think this is the right time to be together, hence we should wait?

Do guys sometime say things just for the sake of saying something?

Is it ego boosting for guys to know that someone is pining for them?

And are some guys that mean to let that person (especially if it is their friend) to string them along and mislead them?

Am I wrong to say that the moment he rejected me, he lost all his right to be clingy and possessive? I mean how can you let someone move on if you're still constantly in contact?

Is it possible I imagined him saying that we should wait? You know how you create false memories sometimes, and maybe is it one of these cases?

I hate that he made me question myself, my intuition, my judgment, my gut feel, our friendship, his intentions etc.

Just letting this all out already improved my mood.

Any thoughts about my situation? Let me know what you think.

Thank you for reading and God bless!
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Type: Discussion • Score: 2 • Views: 1,341 • Replies: 8
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vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 May, 2014 04:15 am
@papertowns,
Quote:
Is it ego boosting for guys to know that someone is pining for them?
Are you not a guy? Your communication style is very male.

Responses are generally tailored to the audience...but it's hard to tell here, who the audience is.

If you are gay, then it also should be answered by someone who is knowledgeable about gay people. Most others would really just be guessing based on heterosexual males.
papertowns
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 May, 2014 07:53 pm
@vikorr,
I am a girl. And what do you mean by saying that my communication style is very male? Smile
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 May, 2014 08:16 pm
@papertowns,
I have no idea what he meant personally.

So the bottom line is your friendship/relationship is over, and you want to know how to get past this?


Time.
papertowns
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 May, 2014 08:28 pm
@chai2,
I'm waiting until we graduate from college and we'd be separated for good.

Until then I gotta bear being at least civil with him.

Thank you for your advice
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 May, 2014 01:11 pm
@papertowns,
Quote:
Is it ego boosting for guys to know that someone is pining for them?
Of course. In this, the percentage of men & women like this seems no different.

Quote:
And are some guys that mean to let that person (especially if it is their friend) to string them along and mislead them?
see above.

That said, it's quite possible that:
- he does not consciously consider it either meanness, nor stringing along. That doesn't change the underlying causes - we're just good at lying to ourselves; and/or
- he just does not want you to be with another male; and/or
- he doesn't want you but is confused about what he wants with you

In the end - what Chai said - it's time to move on. Get away from him if you need to.

papertowns
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 May, 2014 10:56 pm
@vikorr,
Thank you for your response vikkor. That was really insightful. Smile Do you think I should talk to him about this stuff? At the moment I'm more of sad about what our friendship has come to. Or should I just keep this to myself?
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 May, 2014 02:20 am
@papertowns,
You should probably ask what it would achieve to talk to him about it:

- if he's confused, then he can't give a straight answer
- if he's being an unconscious ass, then it depends on how big a man he is (but no one likes to hear bad news about themselves, and very few people have the maturity to handle such criticism thoughtfully)
- if he just doesn't want you to be with another male, how does talking about that help either you or him? (I say this because feelings overrule any logic in the vast majority of cases - sometimes, especially in these sorts of cases, they don't make any sense - they just are)

Now if all you want to do is state your feelings to him, and hear a response - I don't see a problem with that...but if you want something from him, then there's seems to be little point talking with him about it.
papertowns
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 May, 2014 12:12 am
@vikorr,
I feel enlightened just reading your response. I guess I've always known all along that this is all we'd ever be and it was just hard to accept that your feelings are not returned even though being together with that person feels meant to be.

I guess I was imagining things all along. Thank you for your response though. It helped clear my mind. Smile
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