Introducing my fiance to the family?

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Alright so my name is Alison and I am 24. I have been dating this man, Christoph, for a year and a half now. He’s 33, and he’s a bail enforcement agent (basically a bounty hunter.) I was very taken aback when I first met him, I didn’t know they were actually a real thing, to be honest. He has seen a lot of scary people, been in a lot of scary situations, and he is still the most polite gentleman you will ever meet. He is charming, charismatic, and he treats me so well. He brings me home flowers for no reason, pulls out my chair for me, etc. He is wonderful. His job makes things difficult sometimes; he works a lot of long hours, and I worry about him because it is a very dangerous career. It’s worth it, though, because I love him more than anything.

Well, he just asked me to marry him, and of course, I said yes. Smile

I live across the country from my family, so the only person who has met him is my mom when she came to visit 5 months ago, but my parents are more open-minded than my extended family. In a couple of weeks, we are going to visit them, and I want to tell them that we are engaged, but none of them have met Christoph, and I’m nervous about it. On one hand, he is very charming, and extremely polite, so I think he will have no problem getting their approval. On the other hand, I don’t know how well my family will take to his career.

My family is full of professional people in business suits, or rather uptight, conservative teachers. Even I myself am a teacher, but I like to think that I am less uptight. My point is, his job is very dangerous. He deals with a lot of not-so-nice people. I just don’t know how well my family will take to the whole chasing down criminals thing. He is also very intelligent; his career field kind of requires you to be. He knows he is intelligent, and while he is very humble (and willingly admits when he is wrong), he is also very matter-of-fact (his job has made him this way,) because, well, he knows when he’s right. I like his straightforwardness, but my family likes to sweep things under the rug, and jump around issues or heavier topics. Our family gatherings never venture beyond small talk. I don’t love it, but that is how they are, and they can be rather judgmental of people. I just really want them to like him. Any advice on the situation?

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@shmalison28,

Two things.
1) Sit down with Christoph and make it clear that this is very, very important to you. It's important that it go well. If he's as sensitive and caring as you feel he is, then he'll make an effort to be on his best behavior. A slipup here and there is one thing, but if he's going to, say, offer his opinion on the validity of global warming studies, the first meeting with your parents is absolutely neither the time nor is it the place.

It is also not the time for him to go off on the rails about things like suits being stupid or anything else, if that's the way he feels. He puts on nice, clean clothes (not everybody realizes this, sorry to say). If he will do so, a tie is nice but it's not 100% necessary. No shorts, no sweats, no tank tops, no flip flops. He's not going to a job interview, but he should still make an effort to look good. Same with you; wear a skirt or dress, or nice slacks if you like (capris are fine, particularly if the weather is warm).

2) Arrange to meet in public, on neutral turf. A restaurant where you can have quiet conversation is generally best. Arrange with the restaurant and reiterate this to the server - no matter what your parents do or don't do, whatever they say or gesture, the check goes to either you or your fiancé. You can probably just hand over your card at the start of the meal or possibly even give the details to the maitre d' when you make the reservation (yes, this should be the kind of place that is upscale enough where you make a reservation).

And then go, and see what happens. Like I wrote, a slip up or two won't be fatal. But - true story - I am Jewish and my folks are. I introduced a guy to them who, for whatever stupid-ass reason, decided to regale them with information he claimed to have that the Holocaust wasn't as bad as everyone says it is. I had not known this little tidbit about him; it was quite the facepalming moment. Of course it all ended not too long after that.

But it's better to find out before there's a wedding.

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@jespah,

Oh goodness, that is quite the facepalm.

He has no problem dressing up; he cleans up quite nicely. Like I said, despite his career, he is very classy, and always very polite and cordial. He is just very matter-of-fact about things, which is where he differs from my family, who likes to beat around the bush about everything. It's quite tiring, really.

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Good advice jes, but I'd like to mention a couple of things.

It would seem that your family wants to have a criminal free environments around them. Guess what, this is the person who makes it happen.
He could, if he wanted to, do many of the jobs they do. However, probably none of them could do the valuable service he provides.

He's not some schlub to be ashamed of. To me personally, it sounds like you're trying to hide the real person from those you think will stick up their noses, but aren't you being guilty of that too?

If you're proud of him, you're proud of him. Full stop.

You said your family are across the country, so you don't see them often anyway, and when you do the conversation doesn't go beyond small talk. Doesn't sound like you have much bonding going on their anyway.

When you marry, you are living with that person, not your family. He will be the father of any children you have, not them. You will live out your life with him, not them.

I say Hold your head of high and be proud of this man who brings in people to have harmed others.

Your mom has already met him, and likes him. What? You want everyone to like him? That's impossible. Do you like them all? The street goes 2 ways.

Give him credit for being intelligent to know what to say to relatives when they meet for the first time. If things don't go according to your plan, they still went according to how things happened.

Then you marry him, and have a good life.

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@chai2,

I suppose you have a good point. You can't make everyone like you. Don't get me wrong, though, I absolutely am proud of who he is. It would just be nice if my family could see him in the same light that I do, but I guess you have a valid point.

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@shmalison28,

I don't "suppose" or "guess" I have a good or valid point. I know I do.

You sound you're just as wishy-washy, evasive and afraid of talking about the elephant in the room as they are.

Tell you what. Put some aftershave and a nice pair of shoes and shirt on your elephant, along with telling him what to say and not say. With any luck they'll be be able to more comfortably pretend he's a cardboard cutout, and you'll be able to pretend they all met and like the real him.

You're a doozy, that's what you are. If I were your fiance, and knew this is how you feel, I'd give you the shove off.

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@shmalison28,

shmalison28 wrote:

but I like to think that I am less uptight.

You're not.

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@chai2,

Wow, you are very accusing. I'm not looking to change who he is. I like him just the way he is; what I'm saying is that I would like for my family to like who he is as much as I do. I know my family is judgmental and honestly, they aren't the best people. I know this. I distanced myself from them for years because of this. I would just like for them to appreciate who he is like I do. He has done a lot for me, and I don't want anyone but him. I appreciate him and I would go the end of the earth for him. Honestly, how dare you accuse me of trying to change him. I would never do such a thing and I can assure you that he would back me up in saying that I have never made him feel like he has to change anything about himself.

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@shmalison28,

If you've distanced yourself from them, they are judgemental and not the best people, why do you want anything from them?

You can't Make anyone like, appreciate anyone else. But that's what you want.

I'm not accusing you, I'm telling you. As far as "how dare I", what's that to you?
You are trying to make him change. Not permanently, but you want him to play a well behaved monkey in a suit for people you're trying to impress, even though you say you distanced yourself.

If you truly distanced yourself, you would not be trying any of this.

Go ahead, have your boyfriend come on here after reading how you think he needs supervision to be around people, and back you up.

You want them to like him. They may not. Tough.

1 Reply

@chai2,

Good Lord, you are putting so many words in my mouth. I never said anything about wanting him to act a certain way. I simply wanted to know if there was any way to ease my family into the whole conversation of what he does for work. For the love of God, don't jump to conclusions so quickly. He is aware that what he does is alarming or strange to some people, but he loves what he does. I am happy that he has something that he is so passionate about. What, do you think that if my family didn't like him that I would just leave him high and dry? Hell no. I would stand beside him no matter what anyone thought of him (including my family.) I would full out disown my family if they were to ever try to give me an ultimatum or talk me out of marrying him. I was just saying that it would be NICE if there was a way to ease them into the topic. I would never ask him to change. You seem to think I am some sort of stone cold bitch. You couldn't be any more wrong. I have never come across anyone in my life who thought that I was as terrible as you seem to think. You have vastly misinterpreted what I am saying.

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@shmalison28,

You know what would be nice?

If you don't say a word to him about any of this, and let him go meet these judgemental, not so nice people, and whatever happens, happens.

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Introducing my fiance to the family?

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