Wow, so confused...

BIGH2001- Welcome to A2K!

From what I gather, you have been seeing this woman since you are sixteen. I don't know what other dating that you have done, but it seems to me that you are not ready to commit to her just yet.



At this stage in your lives you might very well be going in different directions. If I were you, I would not string her along. I would tell her what you have been feeling, and tell her that you want to date other people.

At this point, she may break it off with you completely, but that is the chance that you take. You can't have it both ways.

I would suspect that one of two things will happen. You will date a little, and want to go back with your girlfriend. Or, you will realize that you have grown in different ways, and break it off entirely.

The point is, that you need to find out. It would be terribly unfair to both of you if you ignored your gut feelings, got married, and regretted it afterwards.

Wait.
That's the best thing to do if you're not 100% sure (well 99% sure).
You have your school to finish.
You don't know if you and your girlfriend are going on different directions.
You have dated her since you were a teenager and "wonder what else might be there".
You are not ready for marriage commitment.
Premature marriages are more often bound to divorce (and to the feeling that your eagerness messed important things up).
Wait.

Of course this is only a person's opinion, but here it goes. I think you are absolutely right in not committing to a marriage if you have any doubts. I also think you both are young to get married and you should definitely finish school first. You are smart to think of what a lifelong commitment means and if you are wondering what else may be out there, then you are not ready to be committed. Another people do change a lot between the time you graduate college and become part of the full time work force. I changed considerably from early 20s to mid 20s. You tend to mature much more as you experience so-called real life.

I do think you should be more careful in getting your girlfriend excited about the possibility of marriage. Although I am sure it was not intentional on your side, by looking at rings and speaking about marriage she probably thought you were going to propose to her. Whether you were intending to or not, you were leading her on by looking at rings. Please do not look at rings, talk about naming children or anything that makes it sound as if you want to marry her in the near future. A similar thing happened to me with a boyfriend and it can easily be misinterpreted as you planning to propose to her in the near future.

As hard as it may be for your girlfriend, I think you should come clean. Tell her honestly how you feel. It sounds like you truly care for her, but you feel too young to be committed. Nothing wrong with that. Tell her you honestly do not want to get married in the near future. It may hurt her at first, but if she really wants to get married now or soon, it is better for her to know that way she can decide what she wants.

Thanks for the responses phoenix, fbaezer,and linkat.

Just a clarification on the engagement...

The engagement was going to be long, around 2-3 years because she has some extra school and I was planning on law school, so we weren't looking at marriage until around 24-25. But I just don't want to get involved with something as serious as an engagement if I have doubts about what else might be out there, no matter how far down the road that marriage might be. You're right, it was not intentional on my part to lead her on. In fact, I was serious at the time about buying the ring. But then I took a step back and realized what a huge financial and relationship commitment that a diamond entails. I've just changed my mind about it, and I know she will construe that as lying to her or leading her on, but I have experienced more of a change of heart rather than what you might call lying or leading her on. As I mentioned before, I tried to explain this to her but she doesn't do well with these issues, she wants commitment and wants it from me in the very near future. I just feel like the window is closing and I'm not ready to stay inside just yet. I get very distraught thinking about having to bring this up with her to the point that I literally lose sleep over it. It's just such a difficult topic but I know that the alternative of an ill-conceived engagement is far worse than the fallout that might come from telling her how I feel right now.

Even if the engagement was going to be long, the point of an engagement is to get married at the end. If that is not your intention, then you are leading some one on. Also, it sounds as if you want to date other people. You said yourself that you wonder what else is out there. If you are engaged you do not see what else is out there. It sounds like you should stay together or date other people, but not commit to marriage. An engagement is a commitment to marry some one.

I am also that your girlfriend does not deal well with these issues. If this is true - red flag. She is not mature enough to get married. You have to deal with differences and make compromises and listen to each other if you are to have a successful marriage. If you are not capable of dealing with issues, you are not capable of having a successful marriage.

BIGH - you need to tell her that you're not ready to get engaged right now. If she feels that is a reason to break up, well, it tells you something.

I think you've done a really good analysis of your feelings, and what the possible results would be of whatever decision you make.

Than=

Yikes, BIGH. That's rough. It's almost like you could end up married because you tried to avoid her explosive responses.

I was going to post something silly (I think) about how you're young and you've got time, but that's not necessarily the question. The question is whether you're ready for a commitment right now, and right now with this person.

As I've said before, I'm really impressed with how you seem to be trying to sort this through before you get into the inevitable discussion with her. The very best of luck in having an outcome that doesn't hurt anyone too much.

Never jump into marriage if you have doubts. Good luck to you and I hope she understands.

Lots of luck.
It took me four tries and forty nine years to find a partner. Billie is my best friend. We can talk about anything, even the really touchy subjects without anger, hurt and hard feelings. We never embarrass each other in public or private. We have no secrets. Secrets can lead to mistrust, that's a bad way to start an engagement or a marriage.
I go along with the advise that waiting is the best thing to do.

Sam