Seems like no trust, really need good strong advice?

Forums: Relationships, Dating, Relationship, Trust, Liar Liar
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I started going out with my boyfriend about four months ago.when we first start going out he was the best thing that had happened to me, you see my dad died when I was five and my mum lives with someone else and I don't always fit into their family plan, if you know what I mean. As I was saying when we first met he made me feel so special and wanted. It was as if when I was in his arms nothing in this world could hurt me. I still feel that way sometimes but these days he wants to be with me all the time. If I talk to other men he goes mad, he says he trusts me but not them. I'm only allowed to spend time with my friends or on my own when he's busy. I would like to talk about this but im afraid he won't understand or he will leave me. What should I do??

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@amberone,

amberone wrote:

I started going out with my boyfriend about four months ago.when we first start going out he was the best thing that had happened to me, you see my dad died when I was five and my mum lives with someone else and I don't always fit into their family plan, if you know what I mean. As I was saying when we first met he made me feel so special and wanted. It was as if when I was in his arms nothing in this world could hurt me. I still feel that way sometimes but these days he wants to be with me all the time. If I talk to other men he goes mad, he says he trusts me but not them. I'm only allowed to spend time with my friends or on my own when he's busy. I would like to talk about this but im afraid he won't understand or he will leave me. What should I do??

What you probably should do is to talk to him about it...and if he reacts by doing what you suppose he might do (leaves)...

...be very, very grateful that he did.

Not what you wanted to hear, I am sure...but if what he wants is a prisoner rather than a companion...you would be much better off without him.

Only way you are going to find out about that...is by talking to him about it.

So I repeat: What you probably should do...is to talk to him about it...and if he gets angry and leaves...be very, very grateful that he did.

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@Frank Apisa,

To add to Frank's point, this behavior is extremely troubling and can be indications of (potentially) much worse things. There are far worse things than being alone.

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@jespah,

jespah wrote:

There are far worse things than being alone.

In addition, it sounds like this guy has begun the process of isolating her. She'll end up being alone anyway, because being with just him will make you realize what he's done.

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@amberone,

http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/

Not exactly the my favourite take on domestic violence, but a theme common to almost all of the worst cases of domestic violence is the tactic of isolating the victim from their friends and family. It's a very serious sign of problems to come.

If you ever want to leave (for any reason, at any time), and you are cut off from friends, family, and support...who are you going to be able to turn to?

If you do end up suffering other forms of abuse, who are you going to be able to turn to?

If you need advice, or a sounding board, who is left for you to turn to?

If you just need a friend, who is left for you to turn to?

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@vikorr,

vikorr, while my first husband wasn't physically violent to me, he did everything in his power to get me away from everyone and everything I knew.

To the OP, I'm a person who knows her own mind, but this man got me in a position where I didn't even know what to order in a restaurant. I know it sounds crazy now, but I would go to order, and he would tell me "You don't like that." Someone once asked me my opinion on something while married to him, and I realized not only had no one asked me what I thought for a long time.....but I didn't even know what to think about anything.

It's just easier to go along with whatever the other person wants you to think and be, because the alternative is just too exhausting in every way.

It's insidious. It doesn't happen over night. You sometimes don't even realize it's happening.

Look out and be careful.

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This is a great image on that page vikorr. I'm posting it here....

http://www.domesticviolence.org/storage/PhyVio.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1182022310650

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@amberone,

amberone wrote:

I'm only allowed to spend time with my friends or on my own when he's busy.

I would be very concerned about anyone being "allowed" to do anything, whether married, dating, or just whatever.

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@chai2,

Quote:

vikorr, while my first husband wasn't physically violent to me, he did everything in his power to get me away from everyone and everything I knew.

Hi Chai,

As you've raised the issue, and so to clarify - Isolation doesn't always equal bad physical violence...but it is a trait very common to the worst cases of domestic violence. For that reason, it's a sign to be taken quite seriously....and as you've pointed out - very few women in domestic violence relationships would have chosen to enter the relationship if their partner behaved the that way (domestic abuse) at the start of the relationship. That one fact holds a world of insight & lessons in it.

I should note that one of the reasons that wheel isn't my favourite, is that it is quite discriminatory. While women are the main victims of the worst cases of domestic abuse, men too have been victims.

That said, it can be quite enlightening to victims of domestic violence.

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@chai2,

That's what I was hinting at - didn't want to push to what you and I both know can be the conclusion (sometimes it isn't, but there's a helluva lotta correlation there).

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http://able2know.org/topic/243341-1#post-5651086

Seems this person has a lot of confusion.

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Seems like no trust, really need good strong advice?

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