I Emailed An Old Flame

Umm, this is tough to say, but you sound like an obsessive stalker in those e-mails. It makes it sound worse as he is still with his wife. After all this time, it is likely they have worked out their differences, and he probably does remember you, but most likely does not want any contact with you anymore. Sorry, but this sounds like a situation you just have to back away from.

jacquie- I think that the man's silence is sending you a message. He is not interested in renewing old aquaintances. IMO, you need to learn to stop obsessing over this man. He has another life.

Look at it another way. What if YOU were the man's wife? What would you think? How would YOU feel if your E Mail started a chain of events that ruined this man's marriage?



It seems to me that your sole concern is for YOUR feelings. What about his?



jacquie-But you ARE intruding in a most awful way. Please don't send the follow up E Mail. IMO, it would be a big mistake. What you need to do is find out is why there is something so missing in your life that you are hell bent on living in a fantasy world. He's gone.....get over it!

Hello, jacquie. Welcome to a2K.
I'd leave it at one e-mail & not send the second one. If he'd wanted to respond he would have. Maybe he will, still ...?
To me, the second message sounded way too intense for the circumstances. Eg:Well my mind won't rest and I don't sleep because I've got something to say to you. . 25 years is a long time ago & well ... I think it could be a bit threatening, almost, to receive this out of the blue.

cav- I had the exact same reaction, but I decided not to express that on the thread. I even thought that if jacquie continued with her E Mails, she could find herself on the receiving end of a restraining order!

This sounds like the e-mail from Hell. You were under age at the time and in todays legal and social climate people have actually been prosecuted for action like his, that happened years ago. If you have any feelings for this guy at all I'd drop it. If for nothing else, his peace of mind.

Don't send it, jacquie. His silence is his answer. He does not want to communicate. Move on, dear....

(The tone of the second e-mail IS rather frightening!)

Another vote for, don't send the email. I, too, am 41, and yeah, I've thought about what my life was like a quarter of a century ago. So does everyone else; in fact, it's pretty standard, as we're both coming up on our 25th year High School reunions.

That doesn't mean that you need to act on anything. You sent the first email, which to me was not a good idea but so be it, it's gone and done and can't be taken back. But the second one makes you sound clinging and obsessive, and like you can't let go of the past. He has, obviously. It's time for you to do the same.

You have changed, and so has he, and so has his wife. Things will not be like they were when you were young. You will not suddenly pick up the threads of where you last were. I suggest - and I know you didn't ask for this advice, but hey, what the heck - that you take a good look at your life as it is now, and examine why you feel the need to dredge up the past, and what is lacking in the here and now that you think will suddenly be enhanced or cured or fixed or bettered by turning back the clock.

I support the consensus--don't send that second e-mail.

When you composed and sent the first message, you were e-mailing not only the Man from Your Past, but your younger selves at 17-18-19-20....

You weren't composing a note in a bottle that somehow, someday might be picked up by a romantic beach comber--you wrote a letter designed for passionate personal archaeology. Perhaps your aim wasn't Capital-R Romance but you were looking forward to mutual (platonic?) excavation of some steamy memories.

"Dan" was a teacher You were under age. Demoralized by his separation he did an exceedingly dumb thing. For you l'affaire was an Introduction to Love. For him--while he "loved" you at the time--the memories are of an episode that an adult regards as stupid--Career Destroying Stupid.

He taught you about LIFE. You made him feel like a swinging stud--and then like a pureblind jackass.

Once again, he's delivering a lesson on LIFE. The past is gone. Keep your tender, romantic memories, but don't expect them to be shared or responded to in any way. Do not send that second e mail. It makes you look either like a stalker or like a very needy, high maintainance woman.

Also remember this guy had no problem taking a year of your life--and then with a great deal of drama deciding to return to his marriage. Of course I'm lacking facts, but I think you were an ego boosting piece of arm candy and a frolicksome bed mate to Dan--not a complete woman, a complete person.

Look at the way he's treating you now--and be thankful.

Re: I Emailed An Old Flame


I can only guess that you're not forgotten now.
My feelings about re-contacting people from the past are pretty well known. Not a great idea, because you never know how you or they are going to react.

Meanwhile, in your proposed follow-up you say something about "a few days" -- is that really all it has been? It's possible he's just weighing how to react, or, ya know, maybe he's on vacation or something!

In terms of weighing his reaction, I think your email could easily be read as the prelude to possible blackmail. As others have pointed out, it was an illegal relationship at the time, as well as being ethically yucky -- underage, teacher and student, married, the whole nine yards.

Glad it has ended up as a fond memory for you, but very much agree with everyone... move on!

I just had to be honest. I was on the receiving end of a similar situation once, and nearly had to go the legal route.

Thank you for the quick responses. You are all right. His silence is his response. I would never want his last memory of me however viewed changed to "obsessive stalker." Time to let this email experience go. Thanks again.

jacquie--

Good decision. By the by, welcome to A2K. We hope you'll stay with us.

I usually avoid relationship advice threads but I do have one comment: the initial posts seems to indicate that this email was found in a search. If so, maybe it's an old email or not the primary one.

Perhaps the person never read the message to begin with.

Either way, the advice given stands, but perhaps his silence is merely indicative of not having read your message at all.