HOLIDAY MENU TO DIE FOR

This is not my favorite time of year. (not really) Not for its crass
commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the
food
police come out
with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the
holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine
without finding a list of holiday eating dos and don'ts.

Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with
butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief.
Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't
think so. Mine isn't either. A carrot was something you left for
Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you,
if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if
you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving
Fudge.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-maltscotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt
scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up.
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip. It's not as if
you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat.
Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's
Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother. It's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and NewYear's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
LaborDay?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip. If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips. Start over. .............Merry Christmas and Happy New
Year!!