Need help, very paranoid, suspect my wife it's killing me

Reply Sun 2 Mar, 2014 04:02 am
I've been with my wife for about 10 years now and we have kids.

I'm quite an insecure person and it has caused the odd problem in the past where I don't feel I'm good enough for her etc.

So recently we quit smoking. I found it really hard and found myself still buying cigarettes and smoking them when she was not around. I know this is really wrong but I was paranoid of getting caught so I would use the find my iPhone thing to check where she was to make sure she wouldn't come home and find me smoking.

She works a couple of days a week and I know when she finishes etc. One day last week she left the house an hour earlier for work. I was needing a cigarette so I checked where she was making sure she wasn't just round at the local shop. It turned out she was at her friends house. A female friend. Nothing weird there. Not sure if she was coming back before going to work I sent her a message saying you gone to work early? I didn't get a reply for almost an hour. At which point she said yeah I'm at work just got some stuff to sort out. I checked the finder again and she wasn't at work she was still at her friends house.

This seemed like a weird lie to me. There's nothing weird in her going to her friends house so why didn't she just tell me? It made me think she wasn't even at the friends house and that it was someone else in the same street or something. But it's a weird coincidence. Also this particular friend works every day and shouldn't have been home anyway. This friend of hers lives alone with her kids so there's no guy there.

Few days later she was at work. It was around the time she was due to leave and it's a half an hour drive home (and to the area where the friend lives) I checked the finder and found she was there again! She should have still been at work. She was there a bit an hour then came home. Which was weird as she needed to pick the kids up from school so hardly worth coming home for 5 minutes. So I said have you just come straight from work? Doesn't seem worth it you gotta go back out for the kids in a minute? She said yes I just came straight from work. Just wanted to put the dinner on before I go get them.

Lies again. What the he'll is she doing at this friends house and telling me she's at work?

This sent me spiralling out of control. I found her phone in her pocket and checked her messages. Nothing bad. But it looked like shed been deleting her messages regularly. I don't know if this is a new thing or she has always done it as I've never checked before.

There was no pass code on the phone at this point.

Later on I setup the Apple account on my mac so I could monitor her imessage. Stupidly I didn't realise it sent notifications to her phone asking her to approve something or other. I then got an email saying that find my iPhone had been turned off on her phone. I told her I was trying to get some photos off the icloud stream and that's why I set it up on my laptop. I said about find my iPhone being turned off she said she got a bunch of notifications and was Confused and just said no to them all. I'm pretty sure she would have to specifically go in and turn find my iPhone off manually.

I planned to turn it back on when I could get her phone. Which is very difficult she is really attached to it. She doesn't leave it around ever. That time I found it in her pocket was rare. So during the night she got up to use the toilet so I quickly grabbed her phone to turn it back on. Shock. She'd put the pass code on! As well as turning find my iPhone off? I start to panic.

I didn't have time to try a pass code. There's 2 pin numbers we use and I reckon it will be one of them. But something tells me it's going to be a new number I won't know.

I haven't had a chance to get the phone again

I went on her laptop to check her Facebook and found it was logged out. I don't want to try and guess the pass in case it locks out or something but why is she logging it out? She also has it setup that only her phone and her laptop can access her fb otherwise it sends her a text to confirm the new device.

Nothing has shown up on her imessages nothing weird but it's only been a couple of days and not everyone has an iPhone either so I can't view it all.

I also know she has WhatsApp. I've never been on it but why does she have it anyway? We have contracts with thousands of free messages we never use each month. I thought WhatsApp was for like people on pay as you go cause it's free? I'm worrying about who she messages on it now. I hear her phone making different notification messages to iPhone ones so assuming it's what's app.

If I'm in the room she'll usually not take the phone out her pocket to read them she must do it when I'm not there.

She's so secretive with all this phone and messenger stuff. She's lied about her where about twice in a week

I'm going out of my mind. I hate spying on her. I really hate it and I hate myself. I'm probably leave destroying our marriage whether she's up to something or not.

I really don't know what to do. I have no real evidence of an affair to confront her and there's no way I can tell her about the snooping but I suspect she already knows cause she turned the tracking off and pass coded her phone.

I'm really in bits here and I'm falling apart
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Reply Sun 2 Mar, 2014 09:02 am
This is a part of why I hate smart phones. Everybody with the slightest little inclination toward mistrust can start to play Junior Detective.

Come clean with your wife that you were snooping, but you only did it because you are worried about the relationship. If anything is wrong, you want to have the opportunity to try and fix it.

And get some counseling to determine why you're so insecure about this. And maybe to also help deal with the emotions that accompany quitting smoking and any side effects you're experiencing (you don't mention using a patch or gum, but Google their side effects as that's another possible avenue to explore).
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