I need a girl's p.o.v.

Yes, it about love and dating. I know men may be helpful too, but my closest friends are all dudes. I'm not searching for advice, or perhaps maybe. I don't know if I just need to talk or to find answers. Whatever... thank you for your time.

About me. Well, I am in my early twenties. My love life may be displayed as "0 + 1". I had girls who had crushes on me, a decade ago. But I did not like them, so we never hung out. In high school I began feeling bad for not being in the lovelife game if you will. I began having feelings for my closest friend at the time. But it took months. I think I liked one girl really much, but I was sure she would never reciprocate that I stopped thinking about this possibility. I went on with this girl, as an odd friendzoned bestie for months, absolute classic friendzoned guy. I was super passive yet super into her. She probably had me on the hook. I am not saying there could not be any developments ever, but she was not the right girl for me nor was I good for her. I think I just had my hormones skyrocketting mixing with a honest friendship.

So to say, I have never really loved anyone. Years after, I have never felt anything about a woman. Sure, I said the classic guy sentence : "i'm in love" which we all say when we think a girl is absolutely gorgeous but not too provocative. But we forget her the minute she gets off the subway. Anyway...

I am not the "love-type", "dating-type" I don't like making accointances, meeting people for the sole purpose of them being new, I don't enjoy the couple concept, I have never wanted that aswell. I am somehow a feminist, I respect women and will talk to them upon need. But I have never seen the point of getting too friendly with any if you can't make locker room jokes with them (i'm exagerating of course). I have talked to some, here and there. But honestly, I have always thought "maybe someday, if i want kids, when I'll be settled" and I still do think that way.

You also have to know that I am finishing my studies and preparing a big trip. I love to learn languages and decided to make 2014 the year I learn for real... this language I have always wanted to. It does not matter which it is for now. I have met many natives, all of which are nice and friendly. I have met them punctually for useless meetings. I met a cool girl online. She answered to an add I posted. We exchanged some informations about our respective mother languages. Really nothing much. My male buddy was back in his mother country and I had to find a language exchange partner. No one answered my ad, until last week two women did at the same time. I just answered at the first one. We met. She goes at my univ too. She's not so talkative but helpful and cheerful regarding my progress. I am confident we will be useful towards each other. End.

Now the second email...

Honestly, she looked dull on the picture and her messages were really less lively. No emoticons and no big sentences. She was just like "ok", "Yes", "thanks", "see you there" etc.

We met at a cafe downtown my city. I was obviously nervous of meeting someone new again. But usually I break the ice but a mixture of politeness and humor. It worked again. I'm weirdly outgoing and antisocial at the same time.

The girl part is beginning now (if men had read until there, you may now leave lol)...

Was she "hot"? No.

She was somehow the opposite of what I consider a beautiful woman. She did have a lovely face. And I don't care how you look anyway, we were just going to work and I am not appolon either.

I can't recall exactly everything we said. On the twentieth minute I said some random phrase in the target language and she greatly laughed. I felt ashamed for a second and then laughed aswell. She did laugh here and there during the evening. We often had a small talk about the fact that she laughed often. I think I looked at her smiling and said something like "never stop smiling it is one of the most beautiful thing someone may make". We were gathered around my laptop and she played with her hair for a second, I remember freezing for that time. Then we talked on different levels of things. Some of which we the kind of things I have always assumed belonged more to my "woman side" which is highly repressed living with two other men.

Long story short, I felt like I bonded. Not like "oh that person's nice!" when you joke on the first day of school and that other person laughs, more like "****... what's happening". We talked about some hypothetical supper at that place she talked about and about that other thing I can't remember.

I realized that "2 hours" had become "4" in no time. She yawn, and realized she was indeed super cute. We stood up, argued for who paid what. I have to mention I am the "everyone pays his share at the cent" type. I realized I was not "myself anymore". I took the small check and said "next time we split" and said "you may leave" not too look like I was making a move or anything. I think she was waiting for me. I don't know, it might only be politeness. I stood up, she dressed up.

I raised my hand, so we can shake ours. She took her glove off and laughed. I looked at her for a second. I am sure it lasted like 0.001 second, but it felt like a day. And then it hit me like a bullet train. I have never seen something as beautiful as her laughing. I have seen many girls laugh. Don't get me wrong. She left, I went at the cash. I realized I had a super urgent need to pee and my buddy had called me thrice (we were supposed to meet... way before). I walked to the subway station, oddly smiling. I thought about that moment, I guess it is pretty standard.

What was not:
1) kind of sad to have to wait another week
2) thinking about her, not obsessively
3) I saw a ridicule amount of hot girls in the train. But I was like "meh, hot girls are indeed hot" (guys may understand).

Then I met my long time best friend before going to "some place we had to go". We were at Subway (the restaurant), we were talking about our days. I said, smiling, please don't get me wrong... and I told him that story. He said something like "well, it sounds like you know..." and he was fine with that. Obviously he is a dude so he was saying stuff like "nail her... bam! bam!". I was like "come on".

If I may be fully honest, I have thought about her on that night and the next day. I feel tore and weird. No, I felt disturbed. Whatever happens, I met for the first time in my life a woman (note, I don't use the word girl) which I truly "i don't know the right term". I felt a bit like **** to feel like so. It's so not my style and I'm so not good for her. But she is special. Yes, I like that word. I can't say "i'm in love", it would be an insult to all of those who are. I don't know her. But there is no doubt I can't be myself anymore. If she wants to meet on some day, i'll make room for that. I want to say "let's grab some whatever" or "let's go see that play you told me" but then I would feel like hitting on her.

I sent an email to confirm the location of our next meeting and random stuff. I was writing a paper when I saw "new email received"... I instantly went and check. She said something like "yes cool, don't mind it... see you this day whatever". I feel like there is something on my mind, on my chest. I'm not in love but i'm not neutral either.

Like I said, I really don't plan to be in a couple, nor to have casual sex with anyone. I'm really not a hot guy and, the worst part...

I realized thinking back on what she said... she may be in her mid thirties. We don't know each other's age, I don't care. I still do. She's a free spirit and not into career and all. But we have a good 10 years difference, perhaps more. She has been in my country for three months I think, we come from different places and we're certainly at different places in life. We are not from the same ethnic group either. I am just describing the situation, these points aren't relevant.

If you reached that spot in my story, I thank you. I am not asking for a plan on how to hack her mind into finding me "superb". I still do want to practice.

My question, though, would be: do you think there is a possibility I get my heart broke or simply on some hook, probably sad and desperate? or do you think it can only benefit me from wanting her to think I put effort into getting better and better in her language and helping her greatly with her questions in my language?

I know every woman is different, but what could be the limit from which she could feel I'm hitting on her? If she said "we should eat there" and I remind her that, is it "hitting"? Should I ask to split bills? If I know she likes some type of book, should I act like "hey here is this novel you may like" or should I be like "reading sucks hahaha pffff I hate it so much" and then curl up and cry? I mean, what would be "awkward" in such a situation?

I have had conversations with many girls. But never did I felt that. And that feeling is not because of pure "hotness". Which somehow makes things worse. I feel weird.

To girls who may read this, I don't know how you feel, if it ever happened to you, in such situations. To me, and I think it's a guy thing, it's the same as getting tackled hard on the ground. When you get back on your feet you are not sore, but you are choked and racked. I feel like this. I am actually as much tackled as I am surprised.

Even if no one answers, or if one guy comes here to say "fagget" I don't care. I think writing it down helps.

Oh and btw, I know for a fact she is single. I still don't plan on trying anything, but it may change your analysis of what she might find "too much".

And if the big question pops up, I should never lie right? (Age)

And if the question is something like "are you falling in love with me" or something in this genre?

THANK YOU FOR YOUR FEMALE MINDS. I WAS ABOUT TO CALL MY MOM. I AM GLAD I DID NOT (LOL).