Should I tell my BF that I slept with someone while we had an open relationship?

Forums: Relationships, Cheating, Dating, Love, Unnecessary Stress
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We go to colleges far away, and initially we decided to break up. But we kept skyping and couldn't help ourselves, so decided we wanted to stay together. We made it an open relationship, meaning we could be free and sleep with other people as long as we didn't tell each other. Two months ago we decided to get all the way, committed, back together. Now I realize my BF didn't do anything with any girl. He couldn't bring himself to. But I slept with a guy in the same frat (diff. location) as my BF a couple of times. Now if he visits that frat or transfers to my school and decides to live there, I think he will find out. I'm scared it will crush him. All that those hook-ups did was help me realize who the right guy for me was. There was no feeling attached, I just wanted to try something new and I wanted to feel better. I regret it now, of course. It was stupid. So I'm going to tell him if I think he will spend a lot of time with that frat. Do you think it will be a relationship deal breaker? Do you think I'm right to delay telling him? It really wasn't technically cheating. We said we could Sad

But my current BF is the guy for me. We plan on staying together for a very long time.

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@gracie22,

Sadly, you have discovered the problem with "open" relationships. Issues of jealousy can become a problem.

Look, I think open relationships are stupid and immoral. (Just so you know where my advice is coming from.) It is simply a matter of two people who want both the convenience of a relationship but also want the freedom of being single. Really stupid.

BUT, my opinion aside, I would not tell him. You gave each other permission to sleep around as long as you kept it to yourselves, so why break the agreement? You may think he didn't sleep with anyone, but you have no way of knowing that for certain. So let it go. You say the two of you are now committed to each other, so great. What went on before you two were fully committed does not need to be brought up.

Good luck to you Gracie.

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@gracie22,

gracie22 wrote:

So I'm going to tell him if I think he will spend a lot of time with that frat.

I think that's the right policy. He agreed that both of you could sleep around and that you wouldn't tell each other. So if he never visits his fraternity brothers at your college and you never tell him, that's exactly what you agreed to do. And if he does visit and you tell him with a delay, that's still more information than the two of you agreed to share.

gracie22 wrote:

Do you think it will be a relationship deal breaker?

If I was in your boyfriend's place, I might get a little upset when I first hear about it. But in the long run it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me because there is no trust issue. You did what I agreed you could do, and you told me what I needed to know when I needed to know it. Behavior like this tends to build trust, not destroy it.

gracie22 wrote:

Do you think I'm right to delay telling him?

Yes.

gracie22 wrote:

But my current BF is the guy for me. We plan on staying together for a very long time.

I wish you good luck.

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@gracie22,

Quote:

Should I tell my BF that I slept with someone while we had an open relationship?

Doesn't matter. Good chance it will be found out. Then it may not. Doesn't matter. It's not considered cheating if it is an open relationship.

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@gracie22,

I think he said 'don't tell me' for a reason.

Despite generally agreeing with what Coastalrat said - his views tends to be black and white...while humans come in all shades. There are people who can handle and open relationship - but they are extremely rare.

There are a few more, who can handle an open relationship so long as they don't find out - and they definitely tend not to want to be told.

Personally, I think the odds are that he would be angry with you if you told him, and he'd every right to be...you agreed to something else.

If he finds out anyway, and is angry with you - you have every right to be angry with him...while understanding where his anger comes from.

In the end, I think 'do what you think is best, for the right reasons, and accept that there are consequences whatever you do' (some are good, some are bad, some depend solely on perspective).

Best of luck.

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The likelihood that those two young men will ever meet is remote.

You followed the 'rules" of a stupid game, now all of a sudden they aren't valid any more.

I find is amusing that you think you know this fellow's story and he does not suspect what you did. That's the ridiculousness of an "open" relationship - especially at your age and where you are now (on a college campus).

Keep this to yourself.

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Should I tell my BF that I slept with someone while we had an open relationship?

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