what the heck i wrong with me?

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Hello, this is the very first time i am doing this.

I dont honestly dont where to start! Here goes!

First i have been married for ten years and my wife is wonderful and i do love her with all my heart!

I have several issues that i want to put out first before i tell what i am going thru right now.

First i have been a bad husband on many aspects. I have allowed my home to.go into foreclosure and my wife had to find out by the Sherriffs presenting the papers right after she just had my youngest son a couple months before.

I lied about writing several bad checks to put food on the table.

And i hid all the bills cuz we were almost three months behind.

I tried to start my own garbage business with no sense of what i was asupposed to do and wasted time, energy, and money. While i tried to keep a fulltime job. Which it actually costed me a job that was awesome in hindsight.

Right now i am getting help to make me better person by being mentored by my pastor and also seeing a therapist cuz he helped me figure out i have a personality disorder which got way out of hand the last several months cuz that was when my wife started to cheat on me. And not just anybody but but a boyfriend from 20 years ago. He cheated on her then and she never got over it. And now in their affair he has admitted he cheated on most of his relationships but my wife says she is still in love with him. He is also married with children and still wants a sexual relationship with my wife.

Now here is the crazy parts of my disorder. After she told about the affair a week after i put an app on her phone that allowed me to track her, her messages and her calling history without her knowing it, and i did this a couple times after she said they ended it. I also got into her emails. Thats how bad my selfish and controlling disorder was. Im not doing this now after i started getting the help i needed. I even moved out for a little bit to give her some space. I am back in the house now. But she says now she is trying to end the affair but she cant get her feelings and the passion for him. It tears me apart that i was so bad that she felts she needed to do what she did. I am going to grow from this no matter. Now my therapist says agrees that feeling of being in love with her is genuine. And that he can helpe with my disorder. And some changes have started for the better. First i am now starting to accept the blame for my mistakes and not put it on something else. For example i just got fired from a job two weeks ago, and the old me would've said it was their fault amd did nothing wrong, but i didnt. Now im working again already and from now on i will be pushing my to be the best at everything i do. Also i have been very lazy, last summer i weighed almost 400lbs. In three months since her affair started i have lost 70 lbs. And now im going to focus on losing more. I will nevet be lazy again.

Basically i looking for advice about how do i get past the fact she hasnt stopped the affair now that i want to put everything right.

She tells me now that she does love me but not as much as her exb that still sees. She says she wants stop the affair and just try to be friends with him. I do believe her. But i know since he has started this with her. He has supposedly said that he would stop talking with her and he keeps coming back. He cant stop messing with her head so she can move on.

The really crazy part is when this affair started after she told me i let her go to him even though we were still living together. My pastor told me to let her cuz this is what i sowed in my relationship to her. Which is true cuz i put thru a horrible ten years as a selfish and uncaring husband. Im not that way now. And i k.ow with the support i have i will be ok no matter what.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 4 • Views: 625 • Replies: 8

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@wthiwwm,

Have you two met, by chance?
http://able2know.org/user/rachel5272/

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@jespah,

Nope.

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@wthiwwm,

"Basically i looking for advice about how do i get past the fact she hasnt stopped the affair now that i want to put everything right."
How? First by knowing that you can, and listen to the professionals helping you. Continue to do everything you can (and are) doing to put things right - never quit! By working hard; paying bills (work with a councilor); keep losing weight; and do for her what anyone who loves her would do - is my plan for you to have her end the affair. As she sees your constant determination to win her back, she'll realize what true love looks like - her exb can never match that!

Keep it in your head that there is no downside to this. Although there are things she can do to discourage you, keep to the plan! Have time be on your side, for whatever she does, you are still building self esteem with your ability to work hard, pay bills, and lose weight. You ask, "what the heck is wrong with me?" The answer is nothing now. You let yourself go way too far and way too long, but now you put that in reverse. Stay the course and don't be a quitter. Impress her with what you are accomplishing, and not with words or promises - actions speak louder than words.
Good luck!

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@wthiwwm,

An observation first. You admit that you have not been the best husband in the past. Regardless of why, you've made some mistakes, let yourself go and so on. Great. You are now getting help so that is good.

At this point, how to move forward is really up to her. SHE needs to decide if she wants to try to make the marriage work. If she does, then SHE needs to break off all contact with loverboy and concentrate on fixing the marriage because obviously the two of you cannot fix it while she is bedding someone else. If she does not want to end her outside relationship to work on the marriage, then the ball is back in your court. You would have to either accept her outside romance and live with sharing your wife until she grows tired of one of you, or you move out and find a lawyer to end the marriage.

Bottom line, the two of you need to sit down and discuss whether or not you want to stay married.

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@CoastalRat,

I disagree because wthiwwm has clearly indicated he loves his wife and wants the marriage to continue; for him to let her know that he is willing to consider divorce would undermine his desires.
I agree that his wife will be the final arbitrator in this, therefore he should only present his willingness to preserve the marriage; any thing to the contrary will be all of her own doing. He will never second guess himself that he didn't try his best. When she decides to go, she's gone. As long as she's there, it indicates he still has a chance for reconciliation.
If she gets a lawyer, he should also - and go on the offensive with the boyfriend. A lawsuit for 'alienation of affection' and complicity in his wife's adultery and desertion may be lame, but that he will be involved in (at least one) impending divorce, and that may scare him enough to keep away.

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@wthiwwm,

I think when we start falling and our communication with our other half is not good, we keep falling and in that we hide behind a mask and this is what you did.

It's fantastic that you have seen some points within your life that you need to correct but you need to correct them for you, not someone else. Keep going.

In my opinion, there is no excuse for an affair. If you are un-happy you walk, what you do from there is your business.

Keep working towards yourself she will either see the better you and fall in love all over again, or not. Don't let that bother you, what is important at the moment is you, because once you get where you want to be totally, you will be happy within yourself and either your wife, or a new woman will appreciate that and love you.

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@wthiwwm,

I want to say thank you all for the advices i have seen. No matter what I WILL have to do better for myself regardless of who is in my life. Now to give an idea of how i wouldve been with out the help i am getting. I would have left and filed just because i wouldnt have cared about anything.. Now i am at a point that she will need to make the decision of whatever happens, because of my disorder i any decision i try to make i literally have to stop my self so i am not manipulating for my selfishness. So my relationship status is not my choice right now. However i do know i want to stay married cuz i truly do love her with all my heart.

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@wthiwwm,

What i would like is to get points of view is was i wrong for letting this go on the way i did? I mean she could still decide to end the relationship regardless of whether i improve or not. In previous arguments with her i said that if we ended then i would leave the state altogether because it would hurt me too much to be around her cuz i know that i will always take her back. Now i know it would be wrong because i would be leaving my two boys and I LOVE THE VERY MUCH AND NEVER WANT TO HURT THEM. However if i moved i would do whatever i can to send any support they needed, and also i would be more than willing to have them visit and see me anytime they wanted too.

I know that if i stay in a distance that i can be at her beck amd call i would respond without thinking about it. And she knows but still says that leaving like this still very selfish.

I have an opportunity to start over with a new career. Which i would need to leave the state possibly.

And even though my side of the family is in the state as she is they are worse still because that entire family is so disfunctional it isnt a laughing matter and i know i have to remove all of these negative influences.

There is many things wrong from my past that sometimes i feel like the only way to move on is to remove everything that is os has had impacted me to be the way i was before i started getiting the help i needed amd even my therapist was surprised at how fast i was able to figure out the root amd cause of my issues.

My therapist says that for the rest of my life i have to treat my disorder as if it is an addiction like an alcoholic does.

So should i bat down the hatches and continue to ride this out, which is whaf i really want to do, or do i let her get what she wanted several months ago?

My pastor said that i take everything she does or says cuz that is what i sowed into my marriage the last ten years and never let god into my life amd this what i am supposed reap what ive done and still try sow a new field with her while this goes on and eventually finally have a better marriage going forward?

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what the heck i wrong with me?

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