Stress of disabled child

If your husband isn't 'doing anything wrong', and just from what you have here--it seems like you are so stressed and overwhelmed that you can't feed the part of yourself that desires sex.

Do you feel tired most of the time?
Are you attracted to men other than your husband?

I am finding myself attracted to other men, which makes me feel that much more guilty about the situation. It actually really scares me. If I didn't find other men attractive, I would figure the stress had affected my sex drive and that still may be part of it.

I do get tired and find myself lacking in a lot of areas, such as family, housework, just everyday things. But at the same time it may just be that I would rather spend more time w/ my son than worrying about housework and such.

Sometimes--and it may not be in your case--when amarriage partner is overwhelmed by things in the marriage--financialproblems, a disabled or difficult child, or just an 'average child or children, who are working you overtime--

a husband or wife can subconsciously see an outside relationship as an escape from the difficulties in the marriage.

An outside relationship is free of day to day, mundane problems.

The excitement can make you feel young, beautiful, unfettered... The endorphins themselves should be bottled; we'd have much fewer divorces and affairs, IMO.

The problem is-- the problems don't go away.

Sometimes affairs can be like alcoholism or drugs. A fake crutch.

If I were to offer advice--it would be to really seek what is ailing you, before taking an action that may ruin a good marriage.

You sound depressed. Certainly, your situation could be a source of an understandable depression.

tarab, are you responsible for the child and homecare on your own? Is there any opportunity for respite care, where you and your husband could get away (even just to the other side of town) for 4 or 5 hours or a day or two?

We do have a great support system w/ our families and we do get respite care. Although b/w both of us working, he works a split shift w/ goofy hours, some days and some nights, and I work a regular 8-5 job. I actually wouldn't have to work and we could make it, but my job is my time to "get away." My husband does his best to help out and I give him credit for that, but there a lot of "extras" that come with a disabled child and for the most part, I take care of them.

I would also like to thank Sofia, because I do believe that I am beginning to see outside relationships as being free. My problem is what do I do, to change that w/o hurting my husband or son???

Tarab, have you considered marriage couseling? If you do it now, there is a very good chance that your marriage will only get stronger. If you wait too long, I'm afraid that you might just become numb to your husband and your marriage.

Does your husband know how you feel? Would he consider marriage counseling? If not, maybe you should go by yourself.

I've known many families with disabled children and the stress is like no other. My heart goes out to you.

We actually did try counseling for a while a year ago, but I think the counselor we had wasn't the right one for our circumstances. As soon as we got into the stresses of a disabled child, he really didn't seem like he had a lot to say and this was something we were just going to have to deal w/, which in a way is somewhat true but in both of our eyes it was a waste of time. That is not a good feeling when you finally get the courage to go to a counselor. I have also, in the past week or so been looking in to what other counselors are out and I am beginning to research for one that may have a background w/ our problems. I know my husband would go, but I think I am going to go by myself first. I kind of feel like I have lost myself in the past few years and have changed so much that the first step I need to take is to find myself again. I want to thank you and everyone else who has replied to me, I was very nervous of going back to a counselor only because I am scared of the things they may tell or maybe even worse make me admit, it is very hard to tell your husband the things I can write to a forum like this, but hopefully this will give me the courage to do so and hopefully get through this time. Thanks again!

Tarab, going to a counselor is one of the most courageous things a person can do, for the reasons you mentioned. Also, finding the right one is vital; besides there being many incompetents out there, getting one with whom you feel comfortable is the only way you have hope of making progress.

Perhaps you could contact a local agency that cares for children with developmental disabilities. I'm sure they could help direct you to several counselors who have had experience with the particular stresses of having a child with DD.

Stress of disabled child


Hi, tarab

My church has as a free help-line for proactive advice, encouragement, and prayer - the dynamic kind you can really get hold of and run with. They're a good group of caring and non-judgmental people, and they can likely recommend some solutions. If you feel the need for more time to talk, beyond what they can provide during one call, you can always call right back and likely get someone else to help you again.

Also, ask for their free monthly magazine. It's a life-saver; I would've been in deep agony without it. Get their website address too, so that you can listen and watch a whole, free online library of rich spiritual food that will renew your mind, body, and soul.

I turn on their online videos ("On-Demand Meetings"), every day to keep me focused and peaceful. The "2002 Washington, D.C. Victory Campaign" is my favorite.

The amazing thing is, none of these things cost a dime, and I thank God every day for them.

Altogether, through these resources, coupled with the word of God, I've learned how to greatly increase my faith, and use it to receive total freedom from 2-years worth of terrible, night-marish anxiety attacks, without ever having had to use drugs, to do it.

I realize your situation is different, but that doesn't matter. When faith calls, God answers.

Edit: Moderator - Do not post your organization's phone number here

(I'll add you to my prayer list.)

Love,
BeaucoupLaVie

Tarab--

Glad something struck a chord with you. I've been there.

I think it is good you're considering individual counselling.

Hooking into support services for caregivers is also a good thing. They have good ideas for finding time for yourself.

The pain, sadness, misplaced guilt, and stress (plus the other twenty negative/destructive emotions you probably deal with every day) are sucking the life out of you. You need to demand one thing of yourself now--and that is to find a balance so that you can be whole. It is easier to have an affair than it is to find balance in your life-- But, I swear you will regret it the rest of your life.

The affair is immediate gratification--balance is long term. The affair can wreck your life--balance can make your life healthier and longer.

If you can do without the money, I'd suggest quitting the job, having your own little regimen of yoga, massage, Tai Chi... one or two things a day you do JUST for yourself, and for stress reduction. Attend to yourself as if you need your attention as much as your child does. (Because you do.)

Also--I think one of those 'sex encounter weekends' with your husband may turn you on.

PS-- How to cheat on your husband without breaking your vows...

You dress in an unusual way (I had a blond wig). Bar sit for thirty minutes, and don't shoot down any guys who hit on you.
Your husband arrives a little later, sits across the bar, and tries to pick you up, amid the competition.

(Um, you DO have to let him win.) Get a hotel room, and ACT like he's a stranger. It can be hot. Especially if he has to have a few words with other guys at the bar...

I'm pulling for you and your husband.