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Tue 21 Jan, 2014 06:25 am
Hi, really need so advise. I was dating a married men from work for over a year. It was with ups and downs but I finally decided to quit it. We knew it will never progress towards anything serious, we were more friends with benefits that anything else but I did develop feeling for him and it was much harder for me, especially that he had less and less time on his hands to see me. I tried to break it few times before but always were getting back together. I finally said enough when he really started to ignore me a lot and became quite emotionally manipulative ( I think he had some Narcissistic traits). I think maybe he was trying to break it but didn't want to hurt me so just played with me and waited for me to say stop. Anyway it is hard to let it go...
Going back to my question... he went for holidays with his wife now for more then a month to see his family. I did see him in the office shortly before he left to wish him a nice time. The fact that he went away gave me the space and time to breath and heal... I sent him only one email just trying to be friendly and said to take care and enjoy the holiday.
In the meantime one of his friend's wife got in touch with me, she didn't know we were seeing each other. She is also a very good friend of his wife... (they both were suspicious at some point about me and "mr X") I got to know her though him and I was invited once to her place since she had a baby. I felt quite uncomfortable doing that but somehow I did it. ANyway, I suggested a coffee together in town without thinking about it twice. We chatted for like 3 hours, nothing about my married ex... We were with our kids so she wanted to take some pictures. Then I saw she posted them on Facebook... A bit too much for me... I trully didn't expect that to happen. Now I am sure Mr X and his wife saw that I was hanging out with her.. well it was all a bit strange since I did not plan or expect things to go this way. I was trying to maintain NC and now worried I simply jeopardised my efforts... She suggested another get together, but I feel quite uncomfortable about it all. I was part of the whole cheating scene with mr X... Also I can't stop obsessing now about what is he thinking about me... Is he thinking that I met her because I want to keep a feet in his life? I am worried he might think I am seeking his attention, which is not true. I just want us to be respectful towards each other and just carry on with out lifes... Did I cross any like here? Shall I explain myself to him?I really want to be sure that he knows that whatever happened between us will always stay between us only. I am worried if he is trusting me on that. I keep worrying that something will go wrong and I will loose the trust and respect in his eyes, which was always there... Please help, how do I help this situation... shall I send him an email and just tell him that I met her but it had nothing to do with him at all? Am I going to loose him because of that?
I am really confused and desperate to know what to do, please help... I want us to be on friendly terms...
If you really want no contact, you need to find yourself a different job. Good luck on that in a lousy economy.
And this is yet another reason that fooling around at work (regardless of anyone's marital status) is a lousy idea.
Why no contact? Because you're right that it hurts you. And because you're not going to be able to keep a poker face forever. And the person who's going to end up shafted is you. Sorry to say it, but that's the case. You do not want to be in the middle of their marital problems.
As for this new friend, you are busy. All. The. Time.
You're taking your kids to the park for some special one on one time. You're on a date. You're in discussions with your ex about something or other and need time and space to process it. You've taken work home with you. Your mother is sick. You are entertaining out of town relatives.
Whatever excuse you make, whatever little white lies you have to tell, do so. Why? Because it is early in the relationship with this new pal and, you're right, this is likely to be a source of drama. And if you truly mean it that you want no contact, this is contact. It may be roundabout but it is still contact.
So back off and, essentially, break up with this new friend. BTW, this new pal may very well be just a bit of a spy for the wife. Like I said above, you probably can't keep your poker face forever.
Do. Not. Get. In. The. Middle. Of. This. Drama.
You can make other friends. You can (hopefully) find another job.
You need to extricate yourself from this drama ASAP.
NOW.
Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
It's small world, isn't it?
As another woman, I'd say:
1. This woman is interested in you because you have kids and she does too and she wants them to have playmates.
- or -
2. She and the wife DO know about you and she's on assignment to find out more about you.
- or -
3. She's trying to endear you as a friend and then you'll be friends with the wife, so surely you wouldn't cheat with your friend's husband.
Why don't you get away from ALL of them - including HIM. He's got a WIFE and KIDS and you were way off base with your relationship. Save your dignity and get out of that mess ASAP
@PUNKEY,
Ok, I will let this relationship & friendship go, it does not serve anyone here... I agree. I just have one more question...Sorry to ask once more... I know it should not matter what he thinks but it is important for me at the moment... Does he thinks it was OK for me to meet up with this girl or does he thinks I crossed the line doing that? What do you think... I really want to understand his point of view on that....
@jespah,
Ok, I will let this relationship & friendship go, it does not serve anyone here... I agree. I just have one more question...Sorry to ask once more... I know it should not matter what he thinks but it is important for me at the moment... Does he thinks it was OK for me to meet up with this girl or does he thinks I crossed the line doing that? What do you think... I really want to understand his point of view on that....
@jesienna31,
It doesn't matter what he thinks.
@jesienna31,
I bet he's sh*tting his pants right now because you are too close to his "world" - his wife, her friend, and kids.
You are his thing on the side, and you have crossed over the line.
@PUNKEY,
I trully don't want him to feel that way... Shall I send him an email to make sure he feels OK. Meeting up with her had nothing to do with him...
@jesienna31,
Quote:Shall I send him an email to make sure he feels OK
To paraphrase a former post
Quote:It doesn't matter what he thinks
I'm guessing that perhaps you were raised in a society where the female is a passive adjunct to the male.
In order to get on with your life it is imperative that you put yourself first.
Period.
@panzade,
Yes I agree with you...
I always had to accommodate needs from other people first... never mine. it is hard to change it once it is part of your nature, the way I think and behave...
This is why I keep posting on the forum... i simply do not trust my instincts to act...
Last question... I know I crossed the line for myself in order to heal by meeting up with this girl but from the outsider point of view... was it OK? Like if I was cool about the breakup and it all... would it be OK to meet up with her? I think I am beating myself up so much by the fact I did it and I will not repeat that again. I know it was wrong for my healing and wellbeing, but would others, less emotional perceive it as not much of a deal? Is it just me creating the drama from it all without a reason really?
@jesienna31,
Quote:Shall I send him an email to make sure he feels OK
No, No, No, No. It does not matter if he feels ok. He was screwing around on his wife with you. Let him think what he thinks and feel whatever he feels. You just leave him alone.
And then make the decision to quit screwing around with the husbands of others. Cause if they will screw around with you, then they will most certainly screw around on you.
@CoastalRat,
Is it just me, or does anyone else think we have had a bumper crop of lovelorn crisis requests ???
@CoastalRat,
Thank you... I know that I need to let it go... I just hope no one ever finds out about the affair, that is all. I want to make sure he is OK about me seeing this girl because i don't want him to get worried that I might have spilled some words. Simply reason- I don't want him to talk bad about me too. I just want clean ending as much as it can be with mutual respect for other people in our lives. Yes, he did cheated on his wife but he was put in arranged marriage. Yes it is his decision to stay married to that women but the cultural pressure and family connections are simply much stronger then any feelings for them I guess.
We both knew what we were doing, I don't blame him I see my part in it all as well... We both went with the feeling of adventure rather then being rational and responsible. But I trully want us to walk away without drama and finger pointing for mistakes... With good memories and mutual respect. This was the reason I thought of sending him an email, making sure that he knows and trusts me that I am not doing anything behind his back. I am happy to admit to him that I shouldn't have met her that day. I won't send this email though if you guys think it is wrong. I am seeking this advise since I know I am not reasoning healthly now but I keep writing all those additional comments so you can see my point of view. If you still stick to NC- I will follow through...
@jesienna31,
If all adulterers showed as much restraint and good manners as you do, there'd be no need for Ann Landers.
@panzade,
Amen to that panzade! Truer words were never spoken.
@jesienna31,
WHY would you even want to be near the best friend of a woman whose husband cheated with you?
You should be running AWAY from this little group. Instead you run towards it. I don't get it. . . .
You made a mistake in choosing a man that was NOT free to have a relationship with. Make better decisions in the future. Put the brakes on if they are married.
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