6 years and separating over loving but not being in love?

No, you're not wrong. Someone on here once referred to being "in love" as "an approximate two-year chemical madness." I love that description. It's a wonderful feeling, but of course it doesn't last. It would kill a person to keep up the adrenaline level alone.

People who don't "get" that are doomed to hop from relationship to relationship, never finding out what it means to really, deeply love.

Your partner is confusing infatuation with love. Infatuation is just the first step.

babeeze--

Welcome to Abuzz.

You don't say how old you and this man are. My guess is that the two of you have been together since you were both very young and your partner is feeling a little itchy, wondering, "Is this all there is?" "Don't I deserve more?" "Really, I'm too young to sign up with one woman for the rest of my life."

His doubts and questions aren't about you--or the relationship. They are all about him.

Eva is absolutely right about the two years of chemical madness. "The pitch near madness" can't be sustained by adults. Adults have serious living to take care of.

I give your partner full marks for being honest about his six-year-itch. Signing up for the whole package of marriage and children and settling down shouldn't be done if either party in the relationship has doubts.


Are you supposed to spend the next weeks/months/whatever exploring alternatives to him or is he the only one entitled to pursue self-discovery?Are you absolutely sure that you have no doubts? Remember, we're talking about "till death do us part" with a partner with an itch.

For this trial separation, will you be breaking up a household as well as putting a relationship on hold?

You cannot hold a man against his will--and you shouldn't try. Still, unless you like sitting on top of a castle turret, waving your hankerchife and clutching an embroidery frame, you should also plan to explore some alternatives.

Many men with an itch feel that Good Old Reliable Partner will continue to be a listening ear and sympathetic sounding board while they explore alternatives. Decide in advance whether this is what you want to do--and keep in mind that you have a right to change the rules here.

Men! Maddening! The more you have invested in the relationship, the more maddening the man!

Good luck.

more info
Thanks for the replies. I am 28 and he is 27. We have been together as a couple for 6 years but were friends for 3 years before that. I am free to explorer anything I'd like, he's a very nice guy and doesn't want to hold me back because he is confused and has questions. He would also tell me if he really never wanted to be together. He left it as we should still see each other and when he figures out if it's true or not that "in Love" fades away that he won't waste a minute coming back to me. My problem is that I think it's so ridiculous to throw this away because of such an unrealistic, television fantasy idea. I want to wait but I don't want to be the loser pining over someone that has unrealistic expectations either because he may go to his grave with these expectations. Yes, we are selling our house (we were moving anyway), so he is moving into a house an d he wants me to get an apartment instead of buying my ow n house in case he wakes up soon. PLUS (you will die) he says you can bring all of your nice stuff that won't fit into the apartment to my house. WTF...why? I'm really confused, but glad that he knows that he is confused and needs answers. Unfortunately he asked a few of his guys friends "If you weren't in love anymore, but you love the person, would you get married?" I think that is a loaded question. Of course they all said no. Any more advice would be appreciated! Thanks!

You want some good advice? Really? Brace yourself...



Dump him.


Take the money from the house and go on a nice long trip. You'll never have the chance again. Sell the stuff, don't give it to him, for PETE's SAKE!

After nine years (six together) and he's still not sure, then he's never going to marry you. You want to marry don't you... have some kids? Well, you can't get married to somebody else if you're hanging around with this guy. All he's doing is wasting your time. Check out Camille's story on this forum if you want to see a real heart-breaker. Then consider what you ought to be doing with the rest of your life.

This line of his, "I don't want to hold you back" is the big clue. Quit loving him, rebuild your life and find someone worthy of you. You are free, go have some fun while you're young. I imagine you'll need to go traveling in order to get over him. Then move to a big city and get a new, cool job. You'll be amazed at what you see.

OK? Sorry to be blunt, but that's my advice.


PS -- Don't bother to help him clean that house.

Piffka- I think that you have hit the target with your evaluation of the situation. This guy wants it both ways.

babeez1 - You deserve better. Get rid of this immature excuse of a man, and find yourself a grownup!

Noddy...welcome to Abuzz? I am shocked indeed...

Sheesh babeez....I'm older than both of you, not by much, but I knew what I wanted when I got married, and this does indeed read as a "wandering eye" problem. I would concur with Piffka and Phoenix and Noddy on this one.

Right from the beginning of Mr.P's and my pre-nuptial romance, we were very good friends with another couple. They'd been together for years before we met and for years afterwards they were the perfect couple to hang with... we traveled with them to Mexico and went on lots of backpacking trips. Partied together a lot. Mr.P and I were married after 3 years and went off on our own, traveling, etc. A couple of years later, our friend decided to go to Alaska for a pretty good job, with his g/f following. Finally after 13 years of being together he told her... we're never going to get married. It was a horrible shock... to her, to us... maybe even to him. He wasn't a bad guy, really. He's a great guy and still a friend of Mr.P's. The problem is some guys just can't figure out how to get out of a comfortable but, to them at least, unsatisfactory relationship. The really painful kicker was that within a year of the g/f moving away, he'd met & married somebody else. THAT was hard to take. He really was the marrying kind, just not the marrying kind to his long-time g/f.

There isn't much of a moral to the story except sometimes you have to see the writing on the wall, or read between the lines. The good news is that within a couple years, the girl married a great guy. He's at least as handsome, probably makes more money & definitely has more free time than the other. They travel a lot and have lived happily ever after with their two handsome little boys. The End.

My best friend has a similar story, but she's the woman, and they ended up getting married.

I've known R (the guy) since we were in Grade 1. M (the gal) and I became best friends in Grade 10. R and I spent a lot of time together in university (as pals, we told people we were brother and sister). When he moved back to our hometown, I re-introduced him to M - they didn't really remember each other from high school. He fell in love right away on that re-meet. She thought he was nice enough, and would make a good room-mate. They shared an apartment for 4 years. He wanted to get married. She didn't want to get married, so he moved out. Said he wasn't staying with her if she wouldn't marry him. After 18 months of trying different roommates, M was finally convinced that R was probably more than just a good roommate. She really missed him, and realized she had probably fallen in love with him somewhere in the years they lived together. She told him she'd get married. He refused to move back in until after the wedding (he'd learned his lesson).

They've been married about 18 years now, have the two most wonderful children I have ever met, live on a marvellous farm property, and are deliriously, madly in love with each other.

Every relationship is so different. There's no one size fits all rule to these dang things.

That's so true, ehBeth. On the other hand, if it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck....well, you know.

This guy wants to see other women. But in case he doesn't find anything better out there, he's hedging his bets with you, babeez. Don't let him get away with that. You deserve to be treated better than an old shoe.

"You can leave your nice stuff at my place..." WTF?! Does he think you're stupid?! I don't THINK so!

Babeez, I agree with the advice of the majority here...although it hurts now, a few years from now, you'll look back and wonder what you ever saw in him.

Piffka's right on the money here.

This guy wants you to leave your nice stuff at his place so that he doesn't have to pay to furnish his apartment. Let him know where the door is.

I have to agree with piffka as well. I spent 6 of the last ten years with a man I met in 1994 (we're more than old enough to be your parents). After about 8 or 9 months, I asked him if we could live together . . . in my house (nine rooms on a small lot in a suburb of Boston). He said it was too soon. I asked again a year later and he said it was still too soon. I should have walked away then.

A year later he suggested that we should try to live together when baseball season ended (he only works during baseball season). I was angry and said try is not a good word to use after three years. A year later he said he move in after baseball season but did not. When I asked him about it some months later, he said he was too embarrassed to know what to do.

At least your guy is honest about not being in love. This guy wasn't. How many couples remain together for years without marrying and then the man marries the next woman. too many people stay together for too long.

Babeez again,

Well just to remind everyone...he has this idea that "in Love" is the infatuation feeling that we all experience at the beginning of a realtionship. We do have a good realtionship except he thinks he needs this. Anyway, I bought him a book named "the Truth about love". it details the progression of love and what to expect. It also clues you in on what you need to do to make yourself happy instead of depending on the other person for that. We are now still living together, sharing the new bed, and I have been trying to be more concious of him, and in return he has been more concious of me. He has been calling em during the day again just to say hi, he has been thanking em for helping him with things, but also he is helping em with things around the house. He says he loves me, and I know he does. I also know we get along very well...don't get me wrong we do have some issues as everyone does, but overall we don't argue about huge things like money etc. But anyway, i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he is being honest about needing time to find out if that "in love" feeling can last forever. The book I bought him will clue him in that he is not the only one that has ever left a realtionship thinking He/she wasn't "in love" anymore....remember his definition of "in love". But the book tells him it's not correct...you just need to spice it up. Anyway, once he finishes the book I plan to talk with him about how he feels and what he thinks. If he accepts the fact that "that in love feeling" doesn't last, but he still needs time, I will not put up with it. Unfortunately, if you all know him you woudl know that he is not the typical asshole Man (sorry to all the men reading this). He's very honest, caring, and trustworthy. Things have changed a bit since we have started talking more and being more aware of each other's feelings, he has said he is not dating anyone to solve his answers. And I have the feeling he wants me to move my stuff into his place so we can move on together. But the only way I will stick by him is if he is honest and is willing to put the attention on our realtionship that it deserves...I'm not going to hang around for someone that has his answers and still can't be sure. I told him that I feel that our problem is that like many others he is not focussing on what we have, but instead becasue he doesn't have experience with realtionships he is more focussed on his fear of the unknown. unforutnately Marriages are based on the fact that who you marry you love, and honor etc. yeah, maybe 100% of the married people out there didn't pick the person on the earth that is best suited for them, but they all know at the end of the day that they made a good choice and that they can be happy if they can just let go of the unknown. Just be happy, make yourself happy and your partner happy and it will be a vicious cycle of happiness.

babeez--

Good for you. Finding a useful book instead of collapsing into a soggy puddle was an excellent move.

Your swain also gets points for starting to read the book.

Good luck.

What does swain stand for? and thanks for the encouragment....most people tell me to run not walk...for all of those people...I am truely not trying to dilute myself...I just need to give him what he says he needs, BUT not indefinately. As long as he seems like he is trying is as long as I will work on it myslef.

swain is a male suitor, a lover.

babeez,
I personally think you should feel relief that this thing is over.

Sorry about the obscure vocabulary. I have a hangup about using the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" for anyone older than Junior High age.

I had a similar case with an old boyfriend. We did not live together, but dated exclusively for over 6 years. Close to your age too when we split. It wasn't exactly the same reason, but close and I was the one who said to end it. I had a ball. I started meeting lots of different people, dating lots of different men, none seriously and went on lots of fun vacations. I met a man about a year later and was married a little over a year after that. So he better watch out, you may end up finding some one else when he decides to get his act together.

As far as moving in an apartment rather than buying a house, I would do what you want. With some of these comments he is making, it sounds like he is using you "as back up". A term friends of mine would use meaning some one to fall back on if things don't work as he plans.

As piffka says end it. Treat it as a clean break up. If he does decide to come back to you, look at him as dating him for the first time and decide if he is worth your time.