PRESIDENT HOLDS PRIME TIME PRESS CONFERENCE

Couldn't resist.
PRESIDENT HOLDS PRIME TIME PRESS CONFERENCE TO REKINDLE AMERICA'S FAST-DECLINING FAITH IN CONSPICUOUS INEPTITUDE AND PLANETARY CHAOS
Press Conference of the President THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. In the next 45 minutes, I will utter the words "FREEDOM®," "FREE®," and "TERROR!!!" a total of 21, 29, and 28 times, respectively. That's once every 35 seconds. It's a tight schedule, but thank the Lord we're a FREEDOM®-loving country of FREE® people who hate TERROR!!! So let's get started with the questions. You, Poindexter. Q: Thank you, Mr. President. Mr. President, April is turning into the deadliest month in Iraq since the fall of Baghdad, and some people are comparing Iraq to Vietnam and talking about a quagmire. Polls show that support for your policy is declining and that fewer than half Americans now support it. What does that say to you and how do you answer the Vietnam comparison? THE PRESIDENT: I don't like that analogy one bit. Sure, both wars were foisted on the voting public by Texan Presidents who gleefully tossed young American lives onto the bonfire of war in the name of preserving rhetorical FREEDOM®, but that's really all there is to it. I also happen to think that analogy sends the wrong message to our troops. Remember that the American Armed Forces are a single, zombie-like consciousness that worships me without question or cognition – no matter how many of their pals get blown into Alpo by jeering Arabiacs. Indeed, while sticks and stones (and RPGs) may break their bones, criticizing their President hurts them much more gravely. It's just like if you say something bad about my good pals Ken Lay or Jeff Skilling, that's the same exact thing as pinning down every last unemployed Enron cubicle monkey and taking a big steaming dump in their otherwise heroic mouths! Dig? Fat guy with the greasy comb-over.

Q: Thank you, Mr. President. What's your best prediction on how long U.S. troops will have to be in Iraq? And it sounds like you will have to add some troops; is that a fair assessment? THE PRESIDENT: Well, I – first of all, that's up to General Abizaid, and he's clearly indicating that he may want more troops. In other words, it won't be ME who's adding the troops. It will be some military dude who doesn't answer to voters. So I hope that when lots of GI's inevitably get killed, that people will remember it wasn't technically George W. Bush who sent them to their deaths. Well, sure, I may have originally ordered them there to get even with Saddam back in 2002, but that's mega-ancient history for a nation of people who are preoccupied with important matters – like how many pre-teen wieners Michael Jackson has licked. Oh, and FREEDOM®. As for how long the troops will have to stay, let's just say as long as it takes for FREE® FREEDOM® to kick the raghead ass of TERROR!!! As soon as we can prove we've done that, we'll be off. Because you know, America is not an imperial power. Just ask Japan and Germany. After we smeared their faces around in their own filth for awhile, we withdrew our troops from whatever remaining square footage of their countries had not been converted into U.S. military bases. And so it will be in Vietraq, too. Let's see here – blondie mongoloid boy from ABC. Feel free to ask me about FREEDOM®. Q: Mr. President, before the war, you and members of your administration made several claims about Iraq that U.S. troops would be greeted as liberators with sweets and flowers, that Iraqi oil revenue would pay for most of the reconstruction; and that Iraq not only had weapons of mass destruction, but as Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld said, we know where they are. How do you explain to Americans how you got that so wrong? And how do you answer your opponents, who say that you took this nation to war on the basis of what have turned out to be a series a false premises? THE PRESIDENT: Well you know, when confronted with a long laundry list of inconvenient facts like that, I like to step back and kind of riff on something big and emotional for awhile instead. So here we go: I know it's been a couple tough weeks for the American people. We've lost over 80 soldiers in Iraq this month. Fortunately, we've killed over 700 civilians, women, and children in the same period. So even if the rest of the world is laughing and pointing at us and saying, "we told you so, you obese frickin' Yankee morons!", we can at least take some comfort in the knowledge that thousands more of those FREEDOM®-haters got killed by our totally bitchin' weapons than we did by their crappy poor people weapons. I will tell you though, sometimes it sure does get frustrating when these uppity brown-skinned folks won't just lie down and not force us to kill them while making them live FREE® from TERROR!!! Next up... dumpy broad in the green Dress Barn tent. Q: Thank you, Mr. President. To move to the 9/11 Commission. You, yourself, have acknowledged that Osama bin Laden was not a central focus of the administration in the months before September 11th. "I was not on point," you told the journalist, Bob Woodward, "I didn't feel that sense of urgency." Two-and-a-half years later, do you feel any sense of personal responsibility for September 11th? THE PRESIDENT: Well you know, it's a funny thing about Bob Woodward. Last year he released this totally brilliant book called Bush at War that Karl Rove dictated to him. I mean, we couldn't have paid for a better depiction of our administration. And believe me, we tried. (Laughter.) So ever since then, old Bob has been as FREE® to wander around the White House as a Union Carbide lobbyist on Earth Day. But now he's got this new book coming out called Plan of Attack, and some of it actually smacks of legitimate journalism. Sadly, that means that just like Paul O'Neill, David Kay, and Richard Clarke, Bob has apparently decided that he is no longer with us, which automatically means he has aligned himself with TERROR!!! But as for your question – do I feel – Q: Do you feel a sense of personal responsibility for September 11th? THE PRESIDENT: Responsi-what? Save the ancient Greekanese for the Olympics, toots! What I will say is that hindsight is easy. Once you know how something turns out, anyone can say what you should have done differently. I mean, do you think my poppy would have picked Dan Quayle as his running mate if he'd known that retard couldn't even spell that brown root thing that grows in the dirt? Of course not! No more than we would have set up that Swiss bank account for John Hinckley if he'd known what lousy aim that fat little– er... ummm... It's like Condi, Ashcroft, Meuller, Tennet, and everyone else pre-agreed to tell the 9/11 Commission: "America was not on a war footing." And that's really all that needs to be said. Squirrelly dude here in the front. Q: Mr. President, I'd like to follow up on a couple of these questions that have been asked. One of the biggest criticisms of you is that whether it's WMD in Iraq, postwar planning in Iraq, or even the question of whether this administration did enough to ward off 9/11, you never admit a mistake. Is that a fair criticism? And do you believe there were any errors in judgment that you made related to any of those topics I brought up? THE PRESIDENT: Well, I think, as I mentioned, it's – you know, about that war footing stuff. And that's... I mean, the fact of... the reality... of the situation... that existed... in the scenario of what was then the present... was what was happening... you know... ummm... and now I'm working on FREEDOM® for the FREE®... but also againsting the TERROR!!! Did I mention that Saddam Hussein was an evildoer? He was. He was real evil. He once used WMD's my dad sold him against his own people. Rape rooms and mass graves and all. And it's a good thing he's gone, too – because as a result, we've been able to clear out all the putrefying carcasses from those mass graves to make room for the fresh carcasses of all the people we're killing with air strikes on Fallujah and Najaf, among others. Next question. Buck-teeth by the door. Q: Mr. President, thank you. You mentioned 17 of the 26 NATO members providing some help on the ground in Iraq. But if you look at the numbers – 135,000 U.S. troops, 10,000 or 12,000 British troops, then the next largest, perhaps even the second largest contingent of guns on the ground are private contractors – literally, hired guns. Your critics, including your Democratic opponent, say that's proof to them your coalition is window dressing. How would you answer those critics? THE PRESIDENT: You mean aside from dispatching Matt Drudge and Sean Hannity to smear their reputations with rumors and innuendo? Well, I figured I'd remind folks that what's really important to remember at times like this, when every last one of us is in imminent and personal danger of suffering a gruesome and prolonged death by TERROR!!!, we need to remember that what's really important is FREEDOM®. Specifically, the FREEDOM® to remember the fact that John Kerry may pretend he's a regular guy, but what he REALLY is is a blue-blooded millionaire Skull & Bones Yalie who had life handed to him on platter and... uhhh... no, forget all that stuff! Just remember that John Kerry SPEAKS FRENCH! Let's see... cue ball four eyes in the center. Q: Mr. President, why are you and the Vice President insisting on appearing together before the 9/11 Commission, rather than separately, which was their request? THE PRESIDENT: Well, because the 9/11 Commission wants to ask us questions, that's why we're meeting. What do you want me to say? "Because I'm a big ******* dummy who can't answer questions without Dick Cheney holding my hand?" Everyone knows that's the unspoken subtext of your question, right? Well how about I answer your question with a question? Specifically, why are you and your pussy little ferret face talking at my God-like person directly, rather than with a brown paper bag over it, which is my preference, you sorry, twirpy little woman? Next question. I've got some "must calls," I'm sorry. Fat bitch from USA Today. Toss me a softball, toots. Q: Thank you, Mr. President. Sir, you've made it very clear tonight that you're committed to continuing the mission in Iraq. Yet, as Terry pointed out, increasing numbers of Americans have qualms about it. And this is an election year. Will it have been worth it, even if you lose your job because of it? THE PRESIDENT: Sweeeeeet! Somebody tell the boss at McPaper that this cow's due for a raise! (Laughter.) I don't plan on losing my job. I plan on telling the American people that I've got a plan to win the war on TERROR!!! And I plan on reminding them about the glories of FREEDOM® and FREENESS® and FREEDATUDE® And I believe they'll stay with me, unless they want to all die because of TERROR!!! But look, nobody likes to see dead, charred American corpses strung up by jubilant crowds of the same people I said couldn't wait to grab their ankles and spread their cheeks wide for some serious Halliburton pipeline lovin'. I mean, I sure don't – especially when it's on a TV screen that has a crawl at the bottom indicating that my ratings are sinking into the toilet. Which is why I don't watch the news anymore. Well, unless it's something extra-weighty, like on E!. Next. Tall fella with the pretty mouth. Q: Thank you, Mr. President. In the last campaign, you were asked a question about the biggest mistake you'd made in your life, and you used to like to joke that it was trading Sammy Sosa. You've looked back before 9/11 for what mistakes might have been made. After 9/11, what would your biggest mistake be, would you say, and what lessons have you learned from it? THE PRESIDENT: I wish you would have given me this written question ahead of time, so I could plan for it. (Laughter.) What's so funny? I'm serious. Gosh, you know, I just – I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with anything that wasn't on the scripts that I try to memorize... Sheesh, this is a little awkward, huh? I see Condi and Karl are squirming around in their seats over here to my right. Of course with Karl, it might just be the hemorrhoids. Boy's got a regular bowl of grapes down there! (Laughter.) Well, what I can say about mistakes is that that's a word that has an "E" in it, which just so happens to be the second letter in TERROR!!! I am committed to fighting TERROR!!! Saddam was a dangerous man. He assumed power illegally. He had weapons. He used them. He terrorized and killed thousands of Iraqis while he himself lived in opulent splendor funded by oil. Gosh, come to think of it, him and me have lots in common, don't we? Maybe that's my mistake – not growing a big handlebar mustache and assassinating my political rivals with bullets instead of lies! (Laughter.) Let's see, last question here. Hold on for a second. Those who yell will not be asked. I'll tell you a guy who I've never heard from – Chipmunk-Face from NPR. Q: Following on both Judy's and John's questions, and it comes out of what you just said in some ways, with public support for your policies in Iraq falling off the way they have – quite significantly over the past couple of months – I guess I'd like to know if you feel in any way that you've failed as a communicator on this topic? Because – THE PRESIDENT: Gosh, I don't know. I mean – Q: Well, you deliver a lot of speeches and a lot of them contain similar phrases, and they vary very little from one to the next. And they often include a pretty upbeat assessment of how things are going. I guess I just wonder if you feel that you have failed in any way? You don't have many of these press conferences, where you engage in this kind of exchange. Have you failed in any way to really make the case to the American public? THE PRESIDENT: Well fella, let me start by saying that just because I have narrowed my eyes into tiny little slits over the course of your question, it does not necessarily mean that I am fantasizing about laser death rays beaming out of my eyes and slicing up your skinny liberal ass like a radish in a Vegematic for daring to close this press conference on a negative note. No, it means that I know how to look tough. And if there's one thing that tough dudes never do, it's fail. Never ever ever. No matter how many American grunts die or U.S. jobs get shipped overseas or old folks lose their medicare or faggots get legally bashed or so-called civil liberties get squashed. No sir, no failure there. It's all glorious accomplishment. So in closing, let me just say that I'm looking forward to the campaign. The voters will decide – or at least it will look that way. They'll take a look at the ultimate hunk of toughness that is me, and then look at that ugly featherless Big Bird who's my opponent and say, "clearly, only George W. Bush knows a damn thing about FREE® FREEDOM® and fighting TERROR!!! Thank you all very much.