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Possible betrayal. What should I do?

 
 
dkd188
 
Reply Mon 9 Dec, 2013 11:13 am
I'll make this as short as possible.
I'm living with my boyfriend of 3 years. Our lives are very intertwined and I don't want to leave him but I'm having trouble coping with what I believe to be a betrayal of trust.

In short, he was already divorced for 2 years when I met him and has 2 children with his ex. His situation isn't easy. He lost almost everything in the divorce and then lost the rest due to the recession.

I made it very clear when I met him that if there was any chance he could be with her and repair his family that I would not enter the relationship.
He has always constantly affirmed his love for me and he has told me many times that he has no desire to be with his ex-wife ever again.

Problem is, last Christmas she visited with their children and a few days later he text her cell (while drinking) that he loved her "heart and soul" which he later explained was to his kids. I became suspicious and kept my guard up. Again, a few months later he was drinking and text her "we are one" to which she replied "never".

Last night we were talking and I asked (since it still makes me uneasy) if the texts weren't for his children but for her.
He said it was a drunken mistake and that it was a while ago so it doesn't really matter now, but it bothers me that we were very committed at that time and he had been assuring me that he had no feelings for her anymore. I feel betrayed for him to confess his love to her( two years into our relationship) even if he was intoxicated. And I feel awful that he tried to make me believe the texts were never for her.

My question is:
Is it possible that he's only trying to sway her for his children and truly has no feelings towards her or is he still wishing they were together even though he lives with me and doesn't plan to go back to her?

I understand that she is mother of his children and he will always be in contact with her. However, I'm scared he'll do this again someday and I have no idea what part of him was compelled to do this. To my knowledge their relationship is 100% about the children and very little friendliness beyond that.
He has mentioned that he is afraid of her dating and his children thinking the new guy is their dad.


I feel bad for his situation and I want to stay but I'm conflicted about letting this go. I don't want it to come back around and bite me later.
Any advice is very appreciated.
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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 1,544 • Replies: 6
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CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Dec, 2013 11:29 am
@dkd188,
So, why were you snooping on his cell to begin with? Could it be that you have other reasons not to trust him?

Also, why bring this up again with him now? You said the first time was last Christmas, then again a couple months later. That would make the second time around Feb. or March. So why are you bringing it up again to him 8 months after the last text? Or did something else happen?

I think he should dump you. After all, you have proven to be a snoop and you bring up issues that in his mind were resolved months ago when you evidently accepted his explanation back then. So, if you do not trust him, then dump him. Otherwise, stop snooping and once an issue is discussed, don't bring it up again.

dkd188
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Dec, 2013 11:45 am
@CoastalRat,
I'm not saying I'm perfect but we have always had an open phone policy.
He was cheated on by his ex and he is just as cautious as I am.
He speaks another language (as well as his ex) so he assumed I wouldn't understand that particular text which unfortunately I did.

Our conversation last night veered towards the past and held inconsistencies on his part that brought me to rehash that old conversation.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt when it happened but after almost a year he has only now confessed that he lied. That's why it's an issue now.

I have never been been married so I don't know what it's like to be divorced but I feel unsettled that he could say something like after committing to me.


PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Dec, 2013 03:12 pm
@dkd188,
After 3 years, things like this should not be happening. Either he got carried away by the emotions of the holiday or he has not resolved his feelings for her and the children.

How old are the children?
dkd188
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Dec, 2013 04:15 pm
@PUNKEY,
His children are 8 and 10. He lost everything between the divorce and the recession which wiped out his business. He sold every asset to lessen his debt. I met him when he had nothing. I've never been introduced since child support is causing tension between him and his ex. They visited once and his ex introduced herself as I was on my way out. That's all.
I realized a bit too late that he wasn't ready in his life for me but he loves me (I believe) and doesn't want me to go. I've already sacrificed so much.
I should note that he is a very good man but struggling more than I can help him.
I'm scared that he's not honest with himself and therefore not with me. I feel cheated.
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Shami1
 
  1  
Reply Fri 3 Jan, 2014 01:12 pm
@dkd188,
Hello,
With out trust and self love, there is nothing. If you love yourself enough to love another human being then go for it. But do not let your mind travel to places it doesn't need to be. Live and let live. Give him the chance to be, to live. It is not up to us women to determine what a man can or can not live with at the end of the day. true love, Unconditional love means there are NO conditions. Meaning you would love that person regardless of what they did, are doing or, you believe them to do. It is very hard and challenging to do this in a w0rld such as the one we live in today, filled with jealousy, envy and the works. That is where self love comes in. If us women truly love ourselves then we would allow our minds to be free of worry and jealousy and put that all that extra effort into ourselves, into our wellbeing. Into loving ourselves and making our selves happy so that we WILL NOT expect it from ANY other person. So that we WOULD NOT NEED it from another being.

I strongly feel that we in this western civilization have lost true community. We have no true love for each other. How is it that jealousy and envy, feelings of no self worth have trump the ultimate.. Love? My advice is love, and trust in love. If he is doing something in a manner which he believes hurts you in any way, he will probably confesss it to you one day if he loves you and it is conflicting inside of him. If not, well don't stress your pretty little self about it. Enjoy the love and time you have had together and the time you will have. questions of infidelity or cheating can lead to feelings such as "What is wrong with me" "am I good enough" So I challenge you now to let it go and enjoy life and love. We could be gone in an instant. P.s YOU ARE WORTH IT ALL
0 Replies
 
Small but sweet
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Feb, 2014 11:18 am
@dkd188,
I know what you are going through a as I am experiencing something similar, it's a hard situation to be in as your partner is always going to have to have contact due to the children, my partner will occasionally send messages to his ex wife saying he misses her and when I've asked why and I usually get that he feels guilty for not being there for his kids which in its self is not a problem but the messages are I personally think he is not over his relationship with her and this could possibly be the case for you also, I have to now decide wether I pursue a relationship like this and suffer the consequences or walk away and find someone that wants just me. Good luck
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