6
   

Is it the person, the situation, or both?

 
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2013 12:32 am
I think the most revealing remark about your character is that you think this girl is the "most intelligent" person you have talked to in ages . . .

Boy, you need to get out in the world and spend time with mature men. Since when is a girl so fascinating? That really says a lot about you. It says YOU have not grown.

And - you allude that your wife is overly involved with the babies. Really, that is quite common - but because there is a nanny, you two should be spending time with each other without the kids. She may be exhausted and have some post-partum depression. Who knows? When is the last time you took her out for lunch? Or bought her flowers?

I'm hoping you will outgrow this need for adoration and younger girls who know the latest pop culture - which you misinterpret as "intelligence."

In the meantime, try to re-connect with your wife. Recreate the way you were when you two were dating.

Sorry to be so confrontational, but man, you are playing with fire.

toiletduck
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2013 03:51 am
@PUNKEY,
Thank you for your candor.

I feel the need to clarify a few things.

(1) I believe I said she was the most intelligent person I speak to while I'm at work on a daily basis. This is representative of my job more than this woman. Nevertheless, your point is well taken. Since I work from home, and the wheels have come off my job, I have not had a great deal of adult interaction lately. I understand I need to fix this.

(2) Don't jump to conclusions about my wife. I am really trying here because I do love her, a lot. When have I bought her flowers? Last week. After 36 roses (purposefully selected colors to tell her a story) in a pottery vase *I* made (with one of the kids, actually, or rather despite). I've taken her out to dinner, I did a candlelight dinner in - with the nanny taking the kids (at like $100 a night, I might add). Going to a Victorian Christmas dinner in a few weeks. I'm trying to spend time with her so we can get to know each other again.

3) When I say "overly involved with the babies" (if I said exactly that) I mean she is fixated on them alone, yet I'm the one getting up at 7 on Saturday while she sleeps until 11. Not that she doesn't need the sleep, just that if they're #1 to her, that's 4 hours she could spend with them while she complains she doesn't see them enough. Not to mention that when she IS with them, she has them watching TV while she is glued to work e-mails she doesn't need to answer.

4) I see the "other woman" as intelligent because she IS intelligent, and interesting. She might as well be 40, not 25 given what she is interested in and the things she cares about. She wouldn't give a rat's butt about pop culture and neither would I. We have good discussions. Honestly, if my wife and I were in synch, she would be a friend whose interests complemented my wife's, since my wife doesn't care about certain things I do, and this woman likes as well. And vice versa.

5) I want my relationship with my wife to work. If I have to sacrifice my new friend to do that, I will. I won't be happy about it. I may resent my wife because of it. That is a problem, because it would obviously be counter-productive.

I know I need to continue getting counseling but am starting to feel like we also need joint counseling. I don't think this is bad. Best friends' and married couples' relationships ebb and flow. I just fear ours is ebbing to the point of no return. I think we can be stronger out of this if we survive. But I now have a fundamental problem of being obsessed with another person in an unhealthy way, even though the friendship *could* be healthy.
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2013 05:35 am
@toiletduck,
toiletduck wrote:

.... I want my relationship with my wife to work. If I have to sacrifice my new friend to do that, I will. ...


Then hire a new nanny.
0 Replies
 
Frank Apisa
 
  -2  
Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2013 07:40 am
You are getting way too much judgmental crap thrown in here, TD.

I do not envy what you are going through.

You sound as though you have your act in order...but that a thing has come along that makes you feel good.

Enjoy it.

Try to keep it as a "forbidden fruit" kind of thing.

If it is going to be more...it will be. Nice to fantasize about it in any case.

PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2013 08:08 am
Tell your wife that you feel disconnected from her and want some excitement back in your marriage. Mention that you feel the babies are getting the attention that you crave. Tell her you feel so lonely that you are even attracted to the nanny, who seems vivacious, competent, and interesting and interested in talking to you.

I have a feeling your wife will respond.

In the meantime, you need to get out of the house for your work and interact with more people.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2013 08:19 am
@PUNKEY,
Perhaps, if I read correctly, the OP already has done this.
0 Replies
 
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2013 09:56 am
@Frank Apisa,
I think you're being overly simplistic about this. He needs to understand his thoughts and feelings. His family is at stake here
0 Replies
 
Aldistar
 
  2  
Reply Sat 7 Dec, 2013 07:49 pm
I believe I understand where you are coming from on how you feel about her. It IS possible to love someone without being IN love with them. That emotion is not just reserved for family. Most people, especially in America where we are taught that there are very defined kinds of love, find it hard to accept any other kind is possible with out falling into one of these three categories:

1.Love for family i.e. parents and siblings
2.Love for spouse and children
3.Love for friendships

There are very many other kinds of love out there and what you are speaking of is one. Frankly I am surprised and pleased that you seem to have such a good grasp of it. I am also happy to hear that your counselor is not trying to pigeon hole your feelings into one of the above three categories.

I agree that the idea of "The Children Come First" is a fallacious one that many new parents tend to fall into. A quote I heard many years ago rings true today. "The best thing parents can do for their children is to love one another." Your lives should not revolve solely around your children. Obviously your priorities and lives do change, but to be the best parents you can means being happy fulfilled adults. Your lives should be entwined with each other and that nest you make will hold the children. I don't know how you can make your wife see that putting the kids first above all else will only be detrimental to all involved in the long run. There have been dozens of articles on that very subject lately, maybe you can print them out for her to read? Perhaps getting away for a trip with just the two of you would help? Maybe some counseling would do her good as well?

Good luck with it all.


Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Dec, 2013 04:20 am
@Aldistar,
But ..He is telling us he has an obsessive unhealthy attachment to the nanny. That is different than simply loving a friend.
toiletduck
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Dec, 2013 06:07 am
@Germlat,
Well that's just what I'm struggling with, to what extent IS it "unhealthy" to love this woman and have a close relationship with her, recognizing that I know this love is not platonic, romantic, OR physical, but somewhere on the spectrum I can't define? The "obsessive" part complicates this for me, I don't think it's healthy for me to worry about what she thinks of me on a regular basis, nor can it be that great to think about her all day, every day when there is so much else going on. But if I can ratchet that back and just accept this for what it is - I will still think about her a lot because of WHAT I think about her, but maybe I can do it a little less? Is it wrong then? It's not like I have only 100 units of love to give and I have to apportion most of it to my wife. Really isn't love unlimited, and I can wholly love two people in different ways? And just be sure my love for one doesn't come at the expense of or in competition with my love for my wife, which is manifest differently?

Aldistar, I think, understands where I am coming from. But Germlat is right also. If I accept both, maybe the question is how I move this from being obsessive and unhealthy to deep, close, and beneficial to both me and to her. And heck, to my wife, because she shouldn't have to worry about being all things at all times. It's just not possible.
Germlat
 
  2  
Reply Sun 8 Dec, 2013 06:18 am
@toiletduck,
I think you're lying to yourself. Perhaps you're trying to have the relationship progress without coming across like a douche. Truth: if this were a guy he would not be on your mind all the time. And just so you know you are not doing your wife a favor.
toiletduck
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Dec, 2013 04:51 am
@Germlat,
You're probably right although it's a bit of a moot point, since she is not a guy it is not a theory that can be tested. Who knows? Speculation.

Did I say I was doing my wife a favor? But, actually, even if hasn't been in the best way, I think it has been good for her to re-engage her own interests and realize it's actually okay to do so. That was my original epiphany and it has changed my life. In the long run, I'd say our relationship depends on it.

Maybe I am lying to myself, I guess that's one thing I'm struggling with in this whole thing. Or maybe I'm trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Or maybe I haven't responded properly when someone was put on a crossing course with my path, but she was still supposed to be there. Or Satan sent her.

This will not kill me or my marriage. We won't let it. The only question is how much more difficult I'm going to make that battle, and for what?
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Dec, 2013 11:31 am
@toiletduck,
Obviously you can't deal with the apparent to the reader. Nobody is trying to convince you to stay married. It is a matter of being aware of your own feelings. If you are no longer in love with her that is a decision...If you are not its ok. But I've seen too many people try to destroy the person they are with due to feelings of guilt about no longer wanting to be married. Trying to prove to themselves they are not horrible people. You are not horrible! But you can inflict horrible pain unto her by shedding blame on her. Maybe she is not for you..but someone else may think she's the ideal partner. If you no longer are in love with her let her go. You'll find love elsewhere and so will she. You only need one reason : you are no longer in love. don't put her through the ringer...you probably aren't aware of how much she is already hurting.
0 Replies
 
Rose6767
 
  0  
Reply Wed 26 Oct, 2016 02:34 pm
@toiletduck,
best to get other nanny right away. Give her a great reference. I am a professional nanny and I can tell you that this isn't good for you, your wife or the nanny. The nanny is there to care for the children, not to boost your ego or to replace your wife because she's checked out.
0 Replies
 
 

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