Thank you for your candor.
I feel the need to clarify a few things.
(1) I believe I said she was the most intelligent person I speak to while I'm at work on a daily basis. This is representative of my job more than this woman. Nevertheless, your point is well taken. Since I work from home, and the wheels have come off my job, I have not had a great deal of adult interaction lately. I understand I need to fix this.
(2) Don't jump to conclusions about my wife. I am really trying here because I do love her, a lot. When have I bought her flowers? Last week. After 36 roses (purposefully selected colors to tell her a story) in a pottery vase *I* made (with one of the kids, actually, or rather despite). I've taken her out to dinner, I did a candlelight dinner in - with the nanny taking the kids (at like $100 a night, I might add). Going to a Victorian Christmas dinner in a few weeks. I'm trying to spend time with her so we can get to know each other again.
3) When I say "overly involved with the babies" (if I said exactly that) I mean she is fixated on them alone, yet I'm the one getting up at 7 on Saturday while she sleeps until 11. Not that she doesn't need the sleep, just that if they're #1 to her, that's 4 hours she could spend with them while she complains she doesn't see them enough. Not to mention that when she IS with them, she has them watching TV while she is glued to work e-mails she doesn't need to answer.
4) I see the "other woman" as intelligent because she IS intelligent, and interesting. She might as well be 40, not 25 given what she is interested in and the things she cares about. She wouldn't give a rat's butt about pop culture and neither would I. We have good discussions. Honestly, if my wife and I were in synch, she would be a friend whose interests complemented my wife's, since my wife doesn't care about certain things I do, and this woman likes as well. And vice versa.
5) I want my relationship with my wife to work. If I have to sacrifice my new friend to do that, I will. I won't be happy about it. I may resent my wife because of it. That is a problem, because it would obviously be counter-productive.
I know I need to continue getting counseling but am starting to feel like we also need joint counseling. I don't think this is bad. Best friends' and married couples' relationships ebb and flow. I just fear ours is ebbing to the point of no return. I think we can be stronger out of this if we survive. But I now have a fundamental problem of being obsessed with another person in an unhealthy way, even though the friendship *could* be healthy.