Reply
Tue 3 Dec, 2013 12:07 am
Hi there,
Generally I am the happy go lucky woman who is cheerful, optimistic, approachable, smart, witty. I recently watched a movie on Netfix titled "After Fall, Winter". It awoke some deep dark feelings I have suppressed for a long time. I cried during the movie, and about an hour after. I didn't understand how I was feeling, so I watched it again about a month later. Same result- me, sobbing into my pillow. This time however, I wrote down some of what I was thinking. And here it is:
"Love?
I am afraid to be in love. I am afraid to open myself to others. I have never been in love. I run away from it. So much so that I avoid relationships. I don't know how to be in a relationship. I'm afraid. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid to hurt another. Afraid if it goes wrong or if it goes right.
Some may say that I'm hurting myself by not letting people in, not to love and not to be loved. They are probably right.
Perhaps I am not worth it?I don't deserve love. Nor should I burden someone by loving me.Their life is better off without my insecurities, pessimism; my thoughts. Not many know my deep dark secrets, in fact, none. I show only a few layers to the world. But of course, not the dark, grim depths of my mind.
Oddly enough, I am afraid of being alone too. I don't want to grow old alone and miserable. I want to enjoy my time in the company of a person that wants to do the same with me.
I haven't thought about children much. I assume I will never have any, because I will be alone forever,and it is rather difficult do to health reasons. Now, I think I want a child.The next on the "to-do" list of a 'kid' trying to grow up. For the record, I'm not holding my breath for that one.
Who am I kidding here, I'm a ******* pussy. I just can't. I cant be in love. I won't have a relationship and be completely open and honest and vulnerable. Why? I am afraid. Maybe I will hurt, manipulate, crush their little hearts and not even do it on purpose. What if it happens to me?"
So, that is what I wrote down when I was in a dark place. I am hoping I might get some insight on how to approach my fears, tackle it head on.
Thank you for your constructive input in advance,
J
@jubjub1331,
Jeepers, you're awfully hard on yourself.
I don't imagine you'd say such things if this was a friend who was hurting, am I right? So if you're friends with yourself, then you don't drown yourself in such negative thoughts.
And if you're not friends with yourself ....
I recommend a therapist. Talk to an objective professional about what sounds a helluva lot like a midlife crisis.
Quote:Jubjub said: I have never been in love..I don't want to grow old alone and miserable....I haven't thought about children much. I assume I will never have any
Good for you, I'm 65 and never got married because I prefer being on my own and never wanted to be a family man. As for kids, YUK, smelly noisy brats, i never wanted any..
@jespah,
Thank you for your reply. I am friends with myself. I would say that I am an optimistic-realist when it comes to life. I am rarely in that head space, am if I am, I find a way to get out, quick. Because you are right, I would not talk like that to my friends, nor should I drown myself in negativity. I know it's not a healthy place to be. Mid life crisis? I hope not since I am only 28! Perhaps, a quarter life crisis... sigh.
Sometimes I feel like a stereotypical 'dude' when it comes to sex and relationships. I am all for friends with benefits vs relationships. How do I make the switch? How do I take my guard down?
When I was about 22 I came out to my friends and family that I was a lesbian. It took me a few years to realize that I do in fact like men, too. So they are finding out this new info. But to me it is not a big deal because they never meet anyone that I am sleeping with.
@jubjub1331,
You are still very young. Give yourself a break. There is no pressure for you to decide what to do about relationships. Try not to be so intense.
Your exaggerated reaction to the film indicates that you have some issues to work out, so you could talk that out with a therapist.
@jubjub1331,
Yanno, your life doesn't have to be decided this early.
I think that the overly emotional response to the film (hiya, Punkey) is a bit telling. Maybe talk to a therapist a bit about why it affected you so much.
Quarter-life crisis? Eighth-life crisis? Doesn't have the same ring to it.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace