Relationships between students and teachers

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At first look, I have a common problem, but with many unique differences. At the begining of last school year I had changed school districts and had hardly any friends. Anyway, there was one teacher I had, who was also new to the area. Anyway, we ended up becoming rather good friends, much of which was due to some problems she went through in her personal life and that we were extremely similar to begin with. She's much older than me, but she is still by most standards young, not to mention rather good looking and well, extremely smart (that's an enormous understatement). I really don't want to damage her reputation or make her uncomfortable in any way, but at the same time I'm extremely attached to her as a person, and the half of my mind that hormones have invaded is attracted to her physically. I have not made any advances and really am to scared to do so. I guess I'm looking for advice about whether or not any situations like this could or have ever worked out. Should I just leave it alone? I don't want to loose her friendship and the risk of loosing her as a friend is what scares me.

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what's your age?

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I'm only 16

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"I don't want to loose her friendship and the risk of loosing her as a friend is what scares me."

Right you are...leave it alone. Her friendship will be worth more to you in the long run

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I agree with panzade. If you approached her in a sexual manner, a number of scenarios could ensue.

She might be horrified, and that could end your friendship completely.

She might take you up on it. By doing so, she would be liable for firing from her job, and possible legal action.

It is far better for the both of you that you remain friends. It is probably very exciting for you to have an older woman showing interest in you, but, for both your sakes, keep it on a teacher/student level.

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She would be fired from her job if the two of you hooked up - that's a virtual guarantee. And there may be legal implications, too, as you are still a minor. Leave her alone sexually and consider this to be a crush and nothing more.

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I also question the teacher's wisdom and judgment. I don't think that it is appropriate for a teacher to share too many personal matters with students. It would have been far better for her to find another teacher with whom to confide.

Another thought. You say that you have become "good friends" with this woman. Is it possible that she has merely been supportive and empathic, and you are reading more into your relationship than there really is?

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Well, first of all, this is the last year's she's teaching. Also, I don't feel I'm reading too far into what I see as a good friendship. I'm almost absolutely sure I'll leave it alone; I know myself all too well in that I'd be to nervous to admit any feelings even without the teacher/student problem.

Phoenix32890 wrote:

I also question the teacher's wisdom and judgment. I don't think that it is appropriate for a teacher to share too many personal matters with students.

First, I see what you are saying. Normally, I'd say a teenager wouldn't be worth even having an opinion from regarding life's issues. I have had people on the net mistake me for being late twenties, even after much discussion, not just a first impression. By appearances, I could pass for 18 or 19 (I'm pretty tall), and actually have done so in person. Not to be overly self-righteous, but I have been told over and over again that I am very mature for my age. Even so, I'm not going to dare to endanger the friendship for the sake of my physical pleasure; it means so much more to me than that. My purpose in posting was to just discuss this with someone to solidify it in my mind. Thanks for the replies.

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chameleon_mind- I wasn't even referring to the difference in your ages. What I meant is that, IMO, there needs to be boundaries between teachers and students. On the college level, I would suppose that there would be less of a problem, because by then the student would have reached the legal age of majority.

I am gratified about your decision. I think that you will look back, and know that you did the right thing!

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chameleon_mind wrote:

I'm only 16

There are "friends" and then there are "friends".

A boy of 16 needs girl friends who are 12-15, not a woman, old enough to be his mother. If this woman engages in sex with a boy of 16, she could go to jail. No matter, how much you like her, I'm sure you wouldn't want to see her in jail.

Best thing for you to do is keep your distance from her and find some girls in your own age group. Smile

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I realize what you have said about the legal issues, and did so long before my first post.

But my issues aside, what is the stereotype that guys should date girls younger than themselves? I have encountered this opinion and it is quite annoying. Age, although it gives a generalized first look at possible maturity levels, is not a good factor to match people by.

I most certainly will still be good friends with her and see no reason to cut it short becuase my hormones decided to kick in, seeing as I have never had a situation where I couldn't control myself. As for finding someone in my own age group, I'd say 14 (12 would just feel wrong) is a little too young for me to be dating, and anyone over 18 would be a stretch. I wish the general public would be a little more open minded and less critical of relationships with age gaps where the guy is the youngest.

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chameleon_mind wrote:

I realize what you have said about the legal issues, and did so long before my first post.

But my issues aside, what is the stereotype that guys should date girls younger than themselves? I have encountered this opinion and it is quite annoying. Age, although it gives a generalized first look at possible maturity levels, is not a good factor to match people by.

I most certainly will still be good friends with her and see no reason to cut it short becuase my hormones decided to kick in, seeing as I have never had a situation where I couldn't control myself. As for finding someone in my own age group, I'd say 14 (12 would just feel wrong) is a little too young for me to be dating, and anyone over 18 would be a stretch. I wish the general public would be a little more open minded and less critical of relationships with age gaps where the guy is the youngest.

A boy of the age of 16 is at the same maturity level ( my opinion)
as a girl of 3-15 ( and in some cases the girls could be even younger).
Girls mature far faster than boys.

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"Girls" of 18, in most cases are young women. But women, none-the-less.

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There are exceptions to every rule...

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Girls of that age are immature in their own way. Your judgement sounds biased.

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In general, teenage girls DO mature faster than boys. But generalizing does not take exceptions to the rule into account. There are many mature 16 year old guys, and immature 16 yo gals.

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But my issues aside, what is the stereotype that guys should date girls younger than themselves?

It the olden days :wink: when I was dating, the norm was that a male dated a female 2-3 years his junior. Some of that had to do with maturity, but not all. There were social pressures. The roles between men and when were more defined. Men wanted a woman who "looked up" to them. By dating a younger, less experienced and sophisticated person, the man was automatically insured of a superior role in the relationship. In addition, couples married much earlier than they do now. When I was a teenager. Women married, on average, at 20.2, guys at about 22. (Don't ask me how I know that figure. That's a whole 'nother story! )

During that period, (the 1950's- early '60s), it was a standing joke that women went to college to get her MRS degree. Of course. The brighter guys, with the greatest potential for advancement in life, were in college. If, (heaven forbid) the women got her degree and did not bag a husband, at least she would have the skills to get a job. In those years, the vast majority of college educated women were teachers.

Today, people are waiting much longer before they think of marrying, whether they have a relationship or not. Women want to work at their careers before they think of settling down. So the social nuances have changed.

But there are certain things that do NOT change. The law is very strict in terms of sexual liasons between a legal adult and an underage person. Also, there is a big difference between a 16 year old guy dating a 26 year old woman, and a 26 year old man dating a 36 year old woman!

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Cham,

You're a very mature 16 year-old of that there's no doubt. And you're right, there is an age gender bias in our society and it's very hypocritical. Leave all that aside.

There's an old saying(paraphrased) "you don't poop where you sleep" In other words, having an affair with your neighbors wife or with your teacher or drill sargeant or boss or co-worker...is not a good idea. You'll just have to trust me on this one.

Besides, you're young and unformed, you're gonna do a lot of changing in the next 5 years. She's older and pretty much a final product. The chances of you two settling in for the long run are pretty remote. That is, if you're looking for a long term relationship and not just a quickie.

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In terms of age, you'll do fine with someone within a few years of you, in either direction. I think it's silly to assume that the man must always be older than the woman, even in your age group. My husband is younger than I am, my brother is married to a woman older than he is, my sister-in-law is married to a younger man, etc., it's really not so uncommon or bad.

The issue here is having reached (or not) the age of majority, 18. Sexual contact with a minor is a jailable offense for adults, even so-called adults who are only 2 or 3 years older than you are.

Dating without sexual contact should be fine for you and an 18- or 19-year-old woman. With sexual contact, though, it gets trickier. Older women are risking jail time. For younger women, you may be in an uneven power situation. And why would you be interested in a girl in Junior High anyway?

These are very tricky times. Your hormones say one thing, but morality and the law say something far, far different. I'm not sure what I can tell you that will make it easier to walk this tightrope.

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