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Check the text, please

 
 
mishae
 
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2013 01:12 pm
I'm not native speaker. Guys, can you check my text for the English class?

-America

It was a Monday, a normal day like any other. America woke up at 6:30 a.m. She took a shower in a hurry, straightened her hair and wore a gray knee-length coat. America woke up so early for a reason. Every time she needed a stroke of luck, she came to the local park and feed the pigeons. This tradition she taught from her late grandma.
America was walking down the road holding yesterday's bread in her frozen hands. When she reached the park she crumbled it on the asphalt, and the birds flew down as if someone used decoy to lure them. America took a deep breath. Cold morning air filled her with hope for the bright future. But something went wrong. Suddenly, behind her back came a strange voice. It was hoarse and low. America turned. Right in front of her stood an old, mangy dog with penetrating human eyes.
«America!» dog said.
«Oh my Lord! Are you talking?» she asked in alarm.
«Yes. And unfortunately, I have some bad news for you. This may seem shocking, but it's true. Very soon, you will die. I came just to warn you.»
America didn’t believe her ears. She ran toward the house, wanting to terrible illusion disappeared.
All day she thought not so much about the talking dog, but about its words. She was lying on the couch, staring into space. The fear consumed her from the inside. America was plunged into a state of complete prostration.
The phone rang. She tried to ignore it. The phone rang again. America didn’t want to talk to anyone but caller was very persistent. Finally she left the couch and picked up the phone. It was her boss.
«Where the hell are you?» he yelled.
«Oh, Mr. Pierce. I’m so sorry. I felt really bad and decided to stay home today.»
«What did you do?» he yelled loader.
«Decided to…» she didn’t finish.
«Are you stupid? Today was the most important day of the year we signed a contract with Johnson Products. And you just decided to stay home. I seriously began to wonder, if we need you as our employee.»
«I’m so…»
«See you tomorrow!»
Dial tones were heard. Now more than ever America needed the support. She wanted to invite her boyfriend, but he didn’t respond to calls. Answering machine started to annoy her. America was tired physically and destroyed mentally. She went to the bedroom and fell asleep after a few moments.

***

The girl woke up by knock at the door. The last thing she wanted to leave a warm bed. But despite the circumstances America didn't lost good manners. She went downstairs and opened the door. On the threshold young man stood. It was Josh, her boyfriend. He looked cheerful and happy as opposed to a girl who was barely holding back the tears.
«Thank God you're all okay. You called 4 times yesterday. What happened?» he asked.
«I’m not good, Josh. I have serious problems at work. I’m afraid of meeting with my boss.»
«Just tell me what happened.»
«I don’t know. It seems like I’ll be fired.»
«Keep calm, honey. All will be well.» Josh remarked.
«No! It won’t be well. Where were you yesterday? I needed you and you just left me in the lurch.» America cried.
Josh was silent. He couldn’t find the right words.
«I know that you were with her. You don't have to make excuses, your oath broken anyway.»
Tears rolled down her cheeks, making her look even more pathetic.
«What kind of nonsense? There was nothing. I was helping a friend with the move.» Josh said.
«Please, stop it. Just go away.»

And he gone.
And she realized that their relationship didn’t mean anything.
And she made a repeat pregnancy test.
And she got in the car and drove to the hospital.
And they set the date of the procedure.

America back home when dusk fell over the town. Less than two days her life has lost all meaning. She lost her job, she lost her man, she lost her baby. America went to the bathroom. The only thing that caught her attention was a metal hook that was large and sturdy enough. She looked out the window and saw the familiar penetrating eyes.

***
The body was found Nov. 6 by neighbors. America hung in the middle of her own bath. Her body cooled down and turned blue. Neighbors said that the reason for their call was a dog barking, rising up from near the house all night long.
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dalehileman
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2013 02:10 pm
@mishae,
Mis no offense but many of us resent anothers' homework when we're not quite sure just what you expect. It might require hours or even a week

First though, owing to its crowded appearance you must place a carriage return between paras. You might then find cases where consolidation preferable

I'd combine many of the sentences but then there might be a matter of style…..
so I hope you get some input from others more patient

It was [a] Monday, [supposedly] a normal day [beginning, starting, commencing] like any other. America woke up at 6:30 a.m.[,] taking a hurried shower then straightening her hair and wore [dressing with, slipping into] a gray knee-length coat. America [She] woke up [had awakened] so early for a reason.[:] Every time she needed [felt the need for] a stroke of luck, she came [crossed her narrow street? drove a few blocks?] to the local park and feed [where she fed] the pigeons [gathering there only in the wee hours?] [often a successful ploy. This [and a] tradition she taught from [of] her late grandma.

But was she wearing only the coat?
0 Replies
 
contrex
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2013 02:15 pm
The purpose of school assignments is to help you learn. Part of learning is to make mistakes and have them corrected by the teacher. I will tell you one thing: in English we do not use guillemets (« and ») for quoting speech.
JTT
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2013 09:25 pm
@contrex,
Quote:
we do not use guillemets (« and ») for quoting speech.


I see that you learned something in your English Lit degree, C.
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