Thu 17 Oct, 2002 09:02 pm
You are hereby notified that a domestic complaint has been filed in U.S.A. Municipal Court by
Management, herein referred to as "the Plaintiff," alleging alienation of job duties and interpersonal neglect due to
excessive addiction to online services collectively referred to as the Internet.
Plaintiff claims that you ("the
Defendant") regularly engage in computer-based conversation (via electronic mail or "chat lines") with unknown individuals
until well past midnight, with reckless disregard of Plaintiff's emotional and physical welfare.
claims that the Defendant has caused irreparable damage to shared social life by refusing contact with now-former friends,
and has instead spent 123 consecutive weekends "browsing" or "surfing" the World Wide Web for as many as 16 hours a day.
Plaintiff further alleges that the Defendant has abandoned even minimal personal hygiene, causing widespread visual
and olfactory distress.
Your appearance is required in Courtroom A on Tuesday at 9 a.m.
Failure to appear
will result in a bench warrant for your arrest.
Plaintiff's conditions of settlement in this matter include:
a. Commit yourself to a 30-day program at the Bill Gates Treatment Center in Redmond, Washington.
b. Submit to
face-to-face communication with Plaintiff for at least 15 minutes per day.
c. Hand-deliver a written apology to all
estranged friends and relatives (do NOT e-mail).
d. Engage in no Internet activities without the direct supervision of
the Plaintiff. All such activities will occupy a total of no more than one hour per day.
e. Attend an accredited class
in corrective hygiene.
Please call this office within three (3) business days to discuss settlement terms. Should
you fail to do so, Plaintiff can elect to cancel all Internet access and reboot you to the curb.
LOL Misty, in the
spirit of things I'll snail mail this to some friends. ;-)