Dear Addict

Dear

Addict


You are hereby notified that a domestic complaint has been filed in U.S.A. Municipal Court by

Management, herein referred to as "the Plaintiff," alleging alienation of job duties and interpersonal neglect due to

excessive addiction to online services collectively referred to as the Internet.

Plaintiff claims that you ("the

Defendant") regularly engage in computer-based conversation (via electronic mail or "chat lines") with unknown individuals

until well past midnight, with reckless disregard of Plaintiff's emotional and physical welfare.

Plaintiff also

claims that the Defendant has caused irreparable damage to shared social life by refusing contact with now-former friends,

and has instead spent 123 consecutive weekends "browsing" or "surfing" the World Wide Web for as many as 16 hours a day.



Plaintiff further alleges that the Defendant has abandoned even minimal personal hygiene, causing widespread visual

and olfactory distress.

Your appearance is required in Courtroom A on Tuesday at 9 a.m.

Failure to appear

will result in a bench warrant for your arrest.

Plaintiff's conditions of settlement in this matter include:


a. Commit yourself to a 30-day program at the Bill Gates Treatment Center in Redmond, Washington.
b. Submit to

face-to-face communication with Plaintiff for at least 15 minutes per day.
c. Hand-deliver a written apology to all

estranged friends and relatives (do NOT e-mail).
d. Engage in no Internet activities without the direct supervision of

the Plaintiff. All such activities will occupy a total of no more than one hour per day.
e. Attend an accredited class

in corrective hygiene.

Please call this office within three (3) business days to discuss settlement terms. Should

you fail to do so, Plaintiff can elect to cancel all Internet access and reboot you to the curb.


Thank you,


Court Administrator