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Tue 15 Oct, 2013 03:49 am
Hey, I'm not sure how or where to start with any of this. I don't know why I'm doing this, maybe to see if it will help me any way or maybe i need to get my feeling out somehow, so here it goes. My father passed away jan 28 of this year, a month shy of my 28th birthday. It was always him and I. Parents got divorced when I was a kid, I was with my mother but I ended up with my father, just because I wanted it that way, so it was just us. For all of my life, just us. He started getting sick around my high schools days, from heart issues, lung problems, diabetes, ect. The issue I'm facing, the grief that I'm shredding my whole life apart is that I feel like I killed him. I was home, but I would go out. I would come home asked him if he ate, if he needed any thing I would ask. But I would go out with my friends and come on home late. I was there when he had his triple bypass, made sure he was okay, I didn't go out till a few days later. But he needed me cause there was nobody. Nobody, except for my next door neighbor who helped my dad the most because I wasn't
there . He wasn't my dad anymore, he wasn't what I remembered when I was a kid, I was afraid of something bad would happen if I was home, that's why I feel sooooo much grief, if I stayed and I MADE sure that he ate healthy and got up and moved around a lil bit more, he would of been alive today.
my mother who I hadn't seen in 20 years had to come and take care of him, it was the only logical choice. He was coherent and able to talk and move but he needed a full time person to be around. I was at my boyfriends most of the time but I would still go home 2 or 3 times a week. The last 3 years before he passed. I'm not the perfect daughter and I know HE blames me, we'll that's what I'm feeling. I should of been there every single day for the past 10 years. My guilt has consume me for that long, so much worse now since he passed away. I wake up in the morning and i don't wanna go to work cause I ride my bike pass where I had lived ( I had 2weeks to get out of my house because the bank had to take it) I look at the house I grew up in, and I can't let go.
I feel like I killed him. I feel like he blames me because I wasn't there a lot. I feel like I'm the worst daughter in this world. But I know I did. I wasn't there, he would of been alive if I took better care of him. He was the only family I had, a lot of people don't understand that. My boyfriend loves me but long story short, a part of me blamed him for a few mins, you see, we had a fight that week. I was home Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, he Told me he wanted to see me sat, but then he changed his mind and told me to come on over Friday. He died that night but I didn't find out till Sunday night, I'm also dealing with destroying my whole life around these feelings and I can't seem to talk to anyone, . how do I cope? How do I deal with this grief. I need help, I need advice PLEASE
I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like your father had a very long illness.
First of all, stop blaming yourself for events that you had absolutely nothing to do with. You were not ever in power of his health and any amount of seeing or caring for him would have made a difference. Please stop thinking that you had this power or could have changed or altered anything. Your "guilt" is really about you not being in control. You were never in control of your father's life.
Next is to let GOOD memories comfort you. Instead of feeling bad about seeing your childhood home, REJOICE when you see it and smile. Know that the memories will be not all good, and not all bad.
Try to block out all those negative thoughts you have. You did your best and tried to live your life, too.
Please go to some grief counseling groups. They are offered by churches of the funeral home. You will hear others' stories and share your own.
@Kat8502,
If ifs and ands were pots and pans, there'd be no trade for tinkers.
If you spoke privately to every active member on this site and they were truthful, the vast majority would have deep regrets about one thing in their lives. Probably several things. It is the human way.
I agree with some sort of grief counselling, formal or otherwise, and try to look forward instead of back.
I won't go in to personal stuff in detail, apart from the fact that it all happened to me when I was 20, so I am sure I know how you feel right at this moment.
Don't be too hard on yourself. If you want to look at it clinically, it was your Mother and Father's choice to have you, and it was their choice again that they split, and if you hadn't chosen to go and stay with your dad he would have been
totally alone from day one of the separation.
If you still feel bad about all this when you come out the other side, turn it into a positive and maybe make every effort to make things better and more settled for
your future children.
@Kat8502,
Your dad was very sick. When some one is so ill no matter what you do, you cannot save them.
Not everyone is made out to take care of an ill person. You were right when you said that very sick person was not your dad. It isn't who he really was - my dad was very ill. My mom could not completely take care of him nor could I - we are built that way. We were fortunate as I have a brother who is nurse and could help out with the care. Yes toward the time he was very ill, he was not himself - my brother was able to make him comfortable which is about all you can do when someone is so ill.
Please do not blame yourself - it is simply the sad circumstances. I do suggest speaking with someone - was hospice involved at all toward the end? They are very good at helping in times like these. They not only help with the very ill at making them comfortable, but they also help the family surrounding the ill person. I highly suggest reaching out to them - they are great and had helped our family quite a bit. If they were not involved, it wouldn't hurt to reach out to your local hospice and they could always direct you.
Hospice wasn't involve at the end, my mother was there. I didn't find out till 2 days later. I know that I wasn't suppose to be there. That I'm starting to believe. That I'm comeing to terms. These past couple of days I'm just loosing control of my daily life, and things were wrong with me, being in denial, not enjoying my everyday life. The people I'm with. Everything is comings down on me. I'm realizing all these emotions, that I've been dealing with for the past ten years. In these past couple of days. I realize them. I know I have to talk to someone. I would love to talk to my close friends and my boyfriend but I'm just afraid that there'll just listen to me for a few mins and that's it. They'll just Change the topic after they think I'm done expressing my feelings . I just wanna get all out. This is helping me. I thank everyone that reply. I really really appreciate this.
@Kat8502,
Hope it all works out for you.
@Kat8502,
I'm glad what little we can do is helping at least a tiny bit. Sometimes just voicing it can make you feel much better.
Not sure what sort of resources you have around you - but if you do want to talk with someone - you could reach out to your doctor to see if they services available via your health insurance; depending where you work - look and see what benefits you have - for larger companies they often times have such services where you talk to some one over the phone or meet person to person, you could contact HR (these services run a whole bunch of things from talking with counsilor to getting help with legal advice, etc) and it is all confidential - I've used both myself before.
We ALL feel guilt when a parent dies, for example when my mum was in hospital I should have sat at her bedside a lot more than I did, instead of saying after an hour's visit every day- "Bye, see you tomorrow!" and leaving her alone. Next time I visited, she was in a coma and dying.
But the trick is not to dwell on it because there's nothing we can do about it now, and i can live with that..
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