Need tips

Firemanbud--

You have my sympathy as far as your mental confusion goes, but the jealousy is no longer justified and the jealousy is getting in your way of moving on.

The only way to stop brooding over your soon-to-be-ex-wife's current infidelities is to get a life of your own.

You can't sleep? Read a good book. Watch the boob tube. Do push ups.
Focus on yourself, not on the woman who is scheduled to become part of your past.

Now I'm prejudiced here. Years ago I had a messy marriage and a messy divorce and an ex-husband calling me up screaming "If you ever sleep with anyone else, I'm going to kill him and kill you and not sent the child support, either!"

He was usually drinking when he called "to share", but every call deepened my level of disgust and contempt.

If you are hoping that you and your soon-to-be-ex can work something out in the future (which doesn't seem all that likely to this outsider) stay away from her in the present and find yourself a life.

A2K is a good place to question and complain.

Hold your dominion.

Firemanbud, I absolutely want to write something to you - but I'm at a loss for words at the moment. However, Noddy was not and said exactly what I feel. Get your own life - this is your chance for a new beginning.

What things should you work out after the divorce? You will be divorced and that's an end to this part of your life.

My ex wanted to 'stay friends' when he left me after 15 years. Well, I don't want him to be my friend, I don't want to see him, talk to him - he has no room in my new life. Because this is my life now.

I hope this makes some sense to you...

I have to agree with Noddy here. It is doubtful that in the light of your story that there will be any chance of "working things out" AFTER the divorce. I would suggest, as you aren't sleeping anyway, to get out and experience some nightlife for a bit, and socialize, no expectations, of course, but that sort of contact with the outside world can have a cleansing effect when you are really down emotionally.

Fireman-
I know exactly how you feel... A few years back, I had finally found the man of my dreams.. he was everything I ever wanted... I got "bored" so to speak.. Got tired of the routine and wanted some excitement... So I found some which was a HUGE downhill spiral from there... I can't really give you advice on this one, but can empathize with you because when he moved on with his life, I suddenly realized what a mistake I'd made after all those sleepless nights and those horrible, gut wrenching visuals and all those sick questions you ask yourself... Just wanted to let you know that I can relate

Bud, what happened to the nurse?

Bud--

Part of your problem may be that you are not getting enough sleep. I just finished William C. Dement's The Promise of Sleep. He points out that all manner of problems in the Western World are caused by short sleep.

If thoughts of what-might-have-been are keeping you awake, you are probably sleep deprived. You are likely to show poor judgement, fall asleep behind the wheel, forget important details....

Question here: If you and your wife are separated, is it a physical separation? How do you know where she isn't at 4 in the morning?

If you are still co-habiting to save money..... Which is more important, money or mental health?

Start sleeping 8 hours a night--or 8 hours whenever your job permits. Get yourself physically exhausted instead of mentally worked up. Ask
your doctor for sleeping pills to tide you over the transition between Married and Single Again.

For the next year, devote yourself to yourself rather than to your soon-to-be-ex-wife. She doesn't need you--and You Need You Very Badly.

Good luck.

One of the main problems with relationships, that causes a huge number of breakups, is the consideration of the partner as 'property'.
By your comments this is obviously the case here, and the cause of your great distress.
Other human beings, regardless of the seeming choices they have made must be given the right to choose their own 'path'.
Having this 'right' in hand, usually makes it easier to justify trying harder to make a relationship, which provides a good degree of satisfaction, work.
Frequently slipping into a relationship where, since one or both are 'married to someone else, they are obviously not 'owned', is alluring for one in a styfling situation.
The sense of being 'owned' is probably the strongest 'putoff' one could imagine.
If your wife's boss had stolen your 'widescreen TV set' would you be equally annoyed?
Your wife's comment that this might later be "worked out", suggests that she realizes the shallowness of her 'flight to freedom'!

sozobe,
My wife told me we could work on things and I decided not to see the nurse. The nurse wanted more than I can give at this point. I call my wife at 5am an talked for an hour and a half. She is set on a divorce but says we may have a chance after that. HUH
I love her very much but I do not know what to do. I have held off dating becuse of her little hints of working things out, like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit. I guess I need to just move on and hope she finds that it is not what she wants. Thanks everyone.

I have a half dozen nurses calling me, asking to date. I need to take one of them up on thier offer. I just do not want to hurt someone becuse I am rebounding or something.

Your wife has already proven that she likes to dangle you on a string, firemanbud. Don't let her do that to you anymore. That's what all that "maybe-we-can-work-on-it" stuff is about...her keeping control. If she was serious about you, she wouldn't be seeing someone else. She has moved on.

Time for you to move on, too. Call up a couple of those nurses and ask them out on dates. Just go and have some FUN! Nothing more, nothing less.

Be completely upfront with the nurses that your divorce isn't final either on paper or in your head. Those who mind will turn you down. Those who don't will be glad to spend an evening with you.

Do you really want to get back together with a woman who lives a double standard? Who makes all the rules? Who wants you to be lonely while she's bedding other men? Are you crazy?

One of you guys hook me up with justa_babbling_brooke, wow what a BEAUTY. jUST KIDDING, on the hook up part. I must say she is a beauty.

There ya go. LOL

Seriously, go out and do things. 5 AM isn't too early to exercise, I bet. If you aren't sleeping, making yourself tired through physical activity should help. Or, read a book, toss a movie on the VCR, do crossword puzzles, hit the batting cages, play poker with buddies, whatever it takes to get you to do something else and think about something else.

Because when you do, you'll find that these feelings are getting a bit crowded out by the busy, interesting life you're leading. That life might include dating, it might not. But you're right that she's dangling a carrot in front of your nose - and if you have dozens of carrots around you, that one carrot won't look quite so tempting and it won't take up so many of your waking thoughts.

Hi, Fireman........I remember you and the very abusive wife who loved to torture you when you were still togeter, and who still enjoys her sadistic pleasures now that you're apart.

You wife will always be like that. She'll never change.

You, however, can re-take complete control over your own emotions about her, but it'll take some real work.

You obviously are turned on by women who abuse you, and you need to change yourself.......you need to re-train yourself......that's the hardest thing on earth to do, but if anyone can do it, you can.

All it takes, is to give up that familiar feeling (you know what I mean) and promise yourself to not feel anything for a woman unless she treats you like the prince-of-a-fellow you know yourself to be.

And any woman who doesn't treat you like that, must immediately become total trash, in your mind.

Go out & practice this.
It'll take a few months, but it'll be more than worth it.

I promise you!