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Should I give my birth father a chance?

 
 
Hanu 94
 
Reply Fri 4 Oct, 2013 12:12 am
My mother died when I was about 5 months old of camcer and I was adopted along with my toddler brother by a couple who use to babysit my older half siblings. When I was 3 my adopted father died. Less than a year later my adopted mother remarried and her new husband moved my brother, me, and her to South Africa from Las Vegas due to him being a South African permanent resident. For 5 yrs he loved my brother and me as his own and gave us an extremely privileged life. When I was going on 9 a man showed up and my adopted mother got very nasty and possessive of me and my brother. The man was our birth father and he was white which was bad because my stepfather had a strong dislike of white men. She convinced my stepfather to formally adopt us when she discovered the stranger wamted us back. We were adopted, but my adopted mother kept quiet about the man for fear of my stepfather's reaction.
The stranger showed up at our home one day when he found out about the adoption and my stepfather answered the door. He took one look at the guy then looked at me with my blue-gray eyes and my bone straight chestnut hair and put 2 amd 2 together. Our birth mother was black, so he knew she didn't look like me even though he'd never met her.
my adopted mother tried to explain, but my stepfathercwould not hear it. He said I was the bastard of a sellout whore and a white devil and had to go NOW. My brother has greenish hazel eyes and black hair, so my stepfather didn't demand that he
leave too. He looked very much like our stepfather who is of Kurdish descent. My stepfather pushed me out the front door and told the guy to take me back to Lithuania(the guy's native country) where I belonged. My adopted mother said over her dead body and pulled me back inside and shut the door yelling at the guy to go away and never come back.
From that day forward my stepfather always called me whore's child or bastard of a white devil. If mama wasn't home I literally had lock myself in my bedroom so he wouldn't try to send me to Lithuania. He adored me before, but the minute he found out I was biracial he rejected me.
I am 19 now and last yar I met that guy who is my birth father for the 1st time. He was very young(only 34) and acted super immature telling me that I was stuck up and shallow, because my adopted mother told him that ge lacked the means to give me such a wonderful life as I had in South Africa. I told him that I was adopted as a baby according to my mother's wishes, so quit blaming me and take it up with her. My adopted mother was with me and he got very nasty toward her for "stealing" his kids. I got in his face and told him that I'd pay him to say another word to her or even look cross eyed.
She and me returned to Cape. Town that very same night and I cut off all contact. When mama told my stepfather what I had done he began to be kind again because he saw me as loyal to him and mama.
A few days ago my birth showed up again and said he'd give me a trust fund if I moved to Lithuania and attended university. He is a former pro hockey player and has money in the bank, buto am scared I'll lose my stepfather's approval again. I am very confused amd don't know what to do.
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jespah
 
  2  
Reply Fri 4 Oct, 2013 06:12 am
@Hanu 94,
Talk to your stepfather and explain that you love him and you always will. He was there for you and you will be there for him. However, you have a birth father, and no matter how much anger there is, or denial, you still have a birth father. And no matter how he behaves, you were biracial the day before he found out that your birth father is white. It's only the amount of information that has changed. But remind him that putting conditions on his love for you, that you not be biracial, is unfair. You are who you are, and you were last week and last year, too. All that has changed is that he knows.

Then talk to your birth father. Explain that you love your stepfather and that you will not accept conditions on your relationship. Attempting to bribe you with college money is unfair and unethical. There is nothing wrong with the two of you having a relationship but him waving money around is only clouding things and making life extremely uncomfortable for you, and he should stop doing that.

Then speak with your mother. Inform her of what has been going on, particularly how your stepfather has been treating you, so that she can make an informed decision as to whether she wants to stay with someone who treats her daughter in such a way.
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Fri 4 Oct, 2013 06:25 am
You don't seem to have mature, stable adults around you - father, mother and step father all have their own agenda and all demonstrate selfish love for you.

Is there any other adult you can talk to about this?

It would be nice if you could go away to school in a neutral place and not be forced to make choices between unstable adults.
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