Sat 28 Sep, 2013 06:34 pm
We met online and dated for 2 years before getting married 3 months ago. We have been long distance in dating, but seen each other every week. I am military and she lives 3 hours away from me. At the least I would go see her every weekend, if not stay for longer, but I literary went down at least 90% of the weeks because she would get mad if I didn't come see her. Now that we're married she has still lived apart because of her job and school. She is self employed and tutors and it doesn't make a crazy amount of money, at least not all year round and she won't get a second job because she says shes too busy and doesn't want nothing minimum wage, but regardless if she moved over by me we wouldn't have this issue because her job pretty much is paying for the gas and we are paying for her rent and mine. Also she says she needs me to give her rent money because the military gives me housing allowance which is like $880 but my rents only S450 a month, so if we were smart we could be saving this money. Instead she lives with her dad and splits the rent which is S350. Before we were married she lived with her mom and didn't pay rent, but wanted to move out, and now she want's to move out on her own so she can waste more money, and she wants me to give her $500 a month on top of me paying for the gas to get there and back, which costs $100 round trip, not including what we use there, even though we usually use her car when I'm there. Now I'm in a boring place, like there's really not to do here and I understand she has lived there her whole life but she needs to grow up and move and be with her husband, because this is no marriage. Anyway she has been really busy with work lately and she sleeps in till at least 3 everyday when she doesn't work so we barely talk like we used too. Things are fine when I'm visiting her, but sometimes even then shes busy with work, but here's the big thing. I gave her an ultimatum last week and option 1. MOVE!,-she didn't like it. Option 2. You can be there, me here and we pay for our own bills and I will see you once a month until I can save my money to where I want it to be, and if she wants to come see me once a month then we can switch off and see each other twice a month.-She agreed to everything except me not supporting her. I told her I don't mind supporting you if you needed help once in awhile, but not all the time if you to live away from me. For one we're throwing away about $800 dollars a month that we could be saving and I showed her the #'s if she moved over by me and even if I paid for everything I could be putting away at least $500 a month, probably more and she could find a job and make money that she could do whatever she want's with. Plus I would like to do nice things for her and take her out from time to time, but we haven't been able to because I can't afford it. She gets mad, and I'll show her my money and she tried to help me manage it, but it's still where she would be over there which is stupid because we save so slowly that we would get no where, not to mention the miles on the car that I'm still paying off. I hate struggling like this with money when we shouldn't have to. We should be setting ourselves up for our future and she could be putting all this money away for her school, because I'm taking school for free right now along with the G.I Bill when I get out...that is if I can get out, but she's putting me in a position where we aren't going to have anything and no jobs are guaranteed that I'm going to have to stay in the military and that's something she definitely doesn't want and I would like to be able to get out. Plus how I said she was going to school, well shes got a lot done and is ready to start the nursing program but she hasn't been going to school since last fall and she just recently told me she had an appointment with an advisor about the nursing program, so we will see. Also she says it's just because of where I'm at if I were to move anywhere else she would move. Anyway back to Option 3. Annulment because I don't want her to just be using me for my money. I told her about me not coming down as much to save money and she said okay but that's going to affect our marriage and she wants an open marriage. I was like WHAT!? No and was ready to leave, then she said sorry it was just something I was reading and thought it might help us relax more. Now we were fine until another week I decided no I'm not going to have you living apart from me and living by your terms and I came up with an awesome plan and she agreed to everything except she said all the bullshit you put me threw I deserve S500 and I told her I have to think about our relationship and I told her after our fight I answered these two questions...1. I still love you and 2. I want this to work, and that you need to do the same. She said I don't care we have more important things to worry about! Like what!? Deciding if you deserve S500? We haven't talked since Wed when I told her I need to think and she said alright talk to you later. I don't want to contact her though and see if she will say anything even if it takes a week but the first is coming up on Monday and she will need rent money so we will see. This is kind of unrelated but our honeymoon is scheduled for later this month and if it takes till then I won't contact her and just do my own thing, but I just don't want that plan to backfire. She always says to she would rather have memories then money and there really are some factors as to where I trust her and think she isn't trying to play me, but with everything bad that's happened, especially because now we are reaching that breaking point, it just seems like if she truly cares she needs to put the relationship first. I don't know what to do!? Of course I love her very much and I trust her but at the same time I don't trust her with some of the things she has said. Also she's told me I need to be more dominant and grow some balls some time and I have no problem doing so when need be but I think she just hasn't seen it from me and doesn't believe that when I try to put my foot down I'm going to keep at it. Because I have given in to things before but it was never something this big so I'm definitely not going to give in on this one and maybe I shouldn't of even tried to compromise the little bit I did, but right there tells me it seems like I'm the only one trying to help our relationship and its not fair to me the way she's acting toward me. Maybe she really doesn't feel like I'm serious, but I'm just afraid to lose her too and don't want this to back fire by standing my grown. Anyway what do I do and what do you think? Please help!?
I only skimmed this, sorry.
But you should not be living apart. There is no reason for that to be happening. That would be a huge red flag for me.
Most females are nurturing, compassionate, and affectionate. So living away from their spouse, that they truly love and cherish, would be devastating. The unwillingness to compromise is selfish and childish. Giving the ultimatum was good, it's a deal breaker, and there is no reason why she should have every thing she wants in your relationship and you only get a piece. She either moves with you or not have you at all. That is not unreasonable terms for a MARRIAGE. Dont know how I came accross this. Good luck to you!
Your wife needs to join you. That's part of the marriage deal. She is not keeping her part of the marriage vows.
And you need to know that you may have to support her when she is in school or when the children come. You seem resentful about giving her money and being the breadwinner.
You two need counseling, too. I know there are chaplains on base that you can talk to. Do that now. You need another perspective on military marriages, her part and yours.
Good luck. If you love her, then make this work.