I live with husband damaged by war.

Greetings from Serbia (Europe). Sorry for my English mistakes. I was born in 1983 and still live in a small village in western Serbia, in a same village was born and still lives my husband, born in 1981. My story is long and sad. Don't think that i am political, in the beginning of this text, i must mention some political history of my country, because it has something to do with my life because we are victims of a war, so i have to explain, be patient, i have no intention going political. Read the whole text or don't read it at all.

I believe that most beautiful childhoods can be lived through in villages, my village is deep in the mountains, beautiful summers, beautiful snowy winters. We used to play most beautiful childhood games in a beautiful mountain village, in era before all these computers. My present husband was my neighbor back then. He is my first boyfriend, first husband and only man in my life. Today he is 32, and me 30. We entered in relationship when i was 15 and he 17. As you probably don't know, in Serbia, every mature man must spend one year in army to serve the fatherland. In year 1998 my husband and his best friend from our village served in Serbian Army. In 1999, when he returned from the army we got married, i was 17 and he was 19.

But in Serbia's province of Kosovo, Albanian Radical Islamists rebelled against Christian Serbia and started the war, and in march 1999, US/NATO attacked Serbia. It was all out war, president Slobodan Milosevic proclaimed mobilization, every male citizen aged 18-55 had to go to war. In first days of war, Serbian Army came to our village to pick up male citizens for war. Military Police entered my house in 5 AM, they pulled my husband from the bad, he was still sleepy, they put army helmet on his head and put rifle in his hands, i was pulling my husband, crying to officer that he stays. My husband said "Don't bring shame upon our family name, president and fatherland call to war." And he left with officer and some soldiers the house. I was shocked. I took some old uniform from my father and dressed it, and i left the house running to join my husband to fight in a war. I saw huge colon of tanks, military trucks and buses, they had some big audio stuff that were speaking loud Milosevic's speeches and some military music. Women of the village were crying, men were singing with flags and pictures of Milosevic how they are going to destroy NATO imperialism and etc... I ran to my husband's truck, yelling "For the fatherland!", ah... youth... and officer gave me his hand to climb on a truck, but my husband lied without blinking, he said "Officer please, she cant even handle kitchen knife properly, cant imagine her with a rifle, she will just get killed, its a waste." Officer listened to him and told me to go back to my house, and army left to neighbor village to pick up men from there.

My husband insisted that he gets in to same company with his best friend from the village. And because he and his friend just finished with army service year before in 1998, Army sent them to Kosovo province to the border with Albania. And that was the most dangerous area back then. And in just 2 weeks of war, Albanian radical islamists caputred my husband and his best friend. They tortured them for 2 months, and after 2 months our army liberated them from those animals. They broke every finger to my husband, they were cutting him by some knifes, they even forced them to fight their own comrades, and those who lose don't get water, or food, or get beaten entire night. They were held in some old house in the mountains where terrorists were hiding. And this is how my husband's friend died. Terrorists forced them to fight each other, and the one who wins must cut off head of the loser. They didn't want to fight, but they forced them after few days of beating. And my husband's friends fell on the ground on purpose and told to my husband to kill him because my husband is already married and has someone at home. They were both 19 !!! My husband couldn't cut off head of his best friend, he fainted 4 times, terrorists got tired and slaughtered my husband's best friend in front of him, forced him to watch. Few days after our army found those terrorists and killed them, they found my husband hanging upside down, he was hardly alive. They transported him to Belgrade (Capital of Serbia) to VMA hospital. VMA hospital is biggest hospital in South-Eastern Europe located in Belgrade. That is where i saw my husband after 10 weeks of war. By the way NATO/terrorist aggression stopped in 2 months. I saw my husband, beaten, broken, his skin was blue, because of the beatings. He was insecure, shaking, many doctors around him, i almost fainted when i saw him, because before the war i remembered him as the most beautiful young man you can imagine, he was tall, with black eyes, hair, very handsome.

President Slobodan Milosevic heard of my husband's horrors, he came to visit, he gave him some medals for bravery, he gave us apartment in Belgrade, he gave pension to my husband (at age of 19, sad) found me a job as medicine sister in some local Belgrade's hospital and president personally ordered doctors to take care of my husband. I still didn't know what really happened to my husband. I saw some general whispering to president my husband's horrors, president, i remember, was cursing those terrorists, while general was whispering to him. Then i realized how bad situation really is. My husband stayed in Hospital for 6 months, then he moved to our new apartment, before that we lived in village. Before doctors let my husband to return home, they held council with me. They gave me tons of medicine, they told me to never argue with my husband, to always hug and kiss him, they believed it is important to express my love by touching. To never mention his fallen martyr friend. And many other instructions, they gave me those white things to take care of his wounds. And then one women doctor whispered to me that my husband cannot make a baby, because terrorists were kicking them in to genitals every day, so he lost ability to have a child, she told me that only chance of having a baby is by artificial insemination.

When i saw my husband naked at home, i was scared by all those wounds and scars. I couldn't hide crying. Terrorists used to cut his muscles at hands and legs, so every move was painful to him. His psyche was destroyed, he would wake up screaming almost every night. I could hear him moaning because of the pain, or crying and bagging for mercy while at sleep. His wounds would open in the middle of night, he would scream in the pain and bleed, so i had to stop that. "Lucky" for us i graduated medicine school and i could deal with those terrors. We lived for around 6 months in that apartment given by the president to us.

In October 2000, USA got rid of Milosevic and installed puppet capitalist regime. (I am not blaming Americans, you are victims of the same thing in USA i believe) That puppet regime kicked me and my ill husband from the apartment, they took away many of our social money aid we were getting from the country, when i tried to rebel, they told me that we are lucky that we didn't end up in prison for corruption because we were "friends" of Milosevic. Us friends of Milosevic? Two unimportant village folks destroyed by war? Sure... We returned to our small village, and since then we live there. In 2000 Serbia wasn't socialist country anymore, it turned in to evil capitalist greedy ****-hole with puppet regime that only steals money from the People. There was no more free education, so my husband had to give up on plans for collage, there was no more free health care, so we didn't have money to take care of my husband's health needs. My husband somehow was healthy enough to work at our farm so we could earn some money, but we never had enough to take him to Belgrade to cure my husband.

My husband, even today is a destroyed man. He spends day looking at one point, he cant get rid of depressions and fears. He became so insecure that when i try to reach something above his head, he brings his arms in defensive position above his head. He cant control it, because of the beatings he got by the terrorists. Our sex life is sad. Since war my husband never asked me for sex, it is me who must do that, which is unnatural for Serbia as conservative country. I remember before the war, he liked to dominate in sex and everything, but after that horror he survived, he would accept sex for me, not for himself or us both. And when he does accept, he does nothing, i must do all the work, mostly. And i am not some ugly wife, not to be arrogant, but i am very attractive. He was full of sense of humor, he was the most important guy in the village, when we were kids he was the main kid, everyone listened to him, he liked sports, he liked parties, to get drunk sometimes, now he is so insecure, passive, sad, it brakes my heart.

Once he tried to hang himself. He was in a toilet for too long, luckily my father was with me, so when we broke in in to toiled, he already started to hang, but somehow we saved him, he was screaming that he wants to end the misery. He survived around 10 huge depressions since 1999, i don't count the smaller ones. We did found medicine for that, because Serbia is Orthodox Christian country, not sure that you know, but Orthodox Christianity is oldest branch of Christianity, it's bishops are direct successors of Apostles, and way of worship, chanting, priesthood everything is still done in a 2000 years old way. So we have many monasteries in Serbia and around my village, filled with monks or nuns who dedict their whole life to God, they are very spiritual, and all those Serbs who have some issues, they go and talk to elders. Elders are very old and wise monks who advice troubled People. So i would send my husband to one elder, that died not long time ago aged 102 ! Only that elder knew how to calm down my husband. He knew the magic trick, and that eased my life a lot. But that elder died. We were at at least 20 psychiatrists, and all of them would talk the same thing and suggest same thing, it didn't work.

Few years ago, it was cold winter, i woke up, i saw my husband left, bed was still warm, so he left not long time ago, i looked at living room where we have fireplace, he likes to sit there, psychiatrist told me he does that because he feels safe there. But he wasn't there, i ran outside i saw him he lied in his pajamas in to snow to commit suicide, i was so scared, but he was alive, he survived that. Now i developed new tactic, when we sleep, i hug my husband by arms and legs, so when he tries to leave the bed it wakes me up. I removed all guns, and pills from the house. He told me that he made a promise to that elder when he was dying that he will never again try to commit suicide because it is mortal sin. So i worry less now, but i am still vigilant. Those terrorists did all the worst they could think out. I still don't know the half of it. I used to make my husband drunk so he could tell me a bit what they did to him, once when he was drunk he admitted to me that those terrorists raped him and his comrades, and most of his comrades were killed in most horrable way in front of him. In 2000 and 2001 my husband used to pee in bed, he was so humiliated i was telling him it's nothing, but his manhood and pride were hurt.

We have small farm, and farms in Serbia are not like in America, huge and where everything robots do. Here People still do in old good way by hands producing normal healthy food. Of course we have tractors and such machines. We sell some sheep. But we are not wealthy. Whenever my husband would go to sell our goods, those traders would rise their voice without a purpose, my husband would get insecure and lower the price so that could doom us, so now i do the trading of our productions.

Last year we went to Sea in Montenegro, they speak Serbian there and is closest to us. I bagged my husband to go, he didn't want, i wanted to bring some life in to him. When we are at beach, he would just look at some far away point at sea, when we went to restorant, he would just stare at his plate. When we walk at the beach, he never looked at other women like he used to before the war. He is mostly silent. There are many parties in those clubs around the beach, i sent him there, without me, he did nothing. As i told before, my husband is very tall, and handsome, has that a bit beard so many girls tried to hit on him, and every time he would look at them like at crap and those poor girls would run away from him, i laughed so hard, i spied at him, to be honest, i honestly hoped that he would do anything, even kiss someone, just to bring some life in to him, but it didn't work. He is so silent and good now, anyone could exploit him, he doesn't care anymore for anything. When we eat at launch, many times, my and his parents would join us, because we all live in the same village, we all talk and eat, only he eats in silence, and when he tries to say something, we all shut up, hoping he will say something important, and he just says "Hand over me a salad." And then we all dissopoint.

These last days he suffers from severe depression and anxiety. When we sleep, he shakes because of fears, when i fall to sleep, he goes to other room and cries there and who knows what he does, so i wake up and i drag him back to our room. And that happens many times during one night. He got some new psycho problems, his own hands freak him out, he questions himself why is he caputred in his body, once he was afraid that he will forget how to bread and he fainted and he hit wall by his head. We don't have money anymore for doctors. I wrote down all those many advices we got before and i use them. I hug him all the time, when he watches TV, when he sleeps, whenever i have a chance i was told to express my love. I love him so much, i cant discribe it. I only need to hug him and i feel happy, but his life is destroyed by those terrorists. He cant function, he loves me very much, and without me, he would commit suicide long time ago. That elder died and only he could stop his depressions and anxiety.

I am scared, my and his family help me but we cannot work out. I don't know what to do. If you have some smart and good-intended advice please tell me. I cry almost every day because i am helpless, i hide that from him because who knows what could cause that. I didn't want to write this to Serbia's forum, because Serbia is small nation only 8 millions population, People could easily truck you. So i typed some US forum and i ended up here. Sorry for my English mistakes, i have only high school.

By the way, i spared some money for artificial insemination and i hope that child will change things around. We always wanted kids.