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Sat 7 Sep, 2013 05:16 pm
Hello Everyone.
I would really appreciate some thoughtful advice. I have been in relationship with a widower for over 9 months now. It is very complicated (I know, you are thinking it always is). But please read my story. The widower is a widower of my late best friend. She past away very unexpectedly late last year. We have known each other as families/ neighbours/ friend for around 7 years. Our children are very good friends too. There is also extended family (on his side) which is very evolved in all of this. We got together very soon after the tragedy (too soon), but I knew their relationship were very rocky and on a verge of break up. I knew she had an affair (with a family member, who is still in the picture very very much). My widower also told me (it was not easy for him) that they were not romantic at all in the last few years together. I knew that from her.
I love him, he told me he loves me, but our relationship is constant 'pull in push out'. We are very protective of children (mine, his, everybody's!) and we are very cautious of keeping our relationships a secret. We decided this a while ago, actually, I have convinced him. However, after our most recent 'break up' (yes, that is right), I found out that he did tell his sister a few days ago. She, in turn, told their mother, who is very supportive, as her and I are good friends. OMG, just even reading through all these, I understand how confusing and almost impossible it all sounds! But I love him, he is love of my life, and I do want to be with him!
@Samash,
I hate to reduce this down to such a quick simplistic piece of advice...but why not take a little break? Do you think there'll be any long-term damage done if there's a time out?
Honestly I'm not really following who has done-what-with-whom but frankly with that bit about someone having some intimacy with a family member... seems poor judgment on someone's' part. Was that with the departed?
@Ragman,
Hello Ragman, and thank you for your reply xx.
Yes, the departed.
Little break... that sounds good. I think that that is what we are trying to do. Well, that is what I think. But my widower told me that there is a great fear that we will hurt a lot of people if we 'come out', and we may need to try very hard to stay friends. We tried this before, and ended up in each others arms after 2 days.
@Samash,
Well, there's always loneliness to contend with. Sexual needs can often be mistaken for true love.
For the sake of everyone...see if a break can be sustained. How long has this person been a widower? You 2 have been in a relationship for 9 months,,,but how long since his partner departed?
@Samash,
From my POV, it's far too risky.
@Ragman,
Could you please elaborate? What is the risks? I am sorry, I probably sound immature, but I do need a life advice... Just so lost, hurting, guilty, happy, loving, sad and grieving at the same time ((
@Samash,
You've already underscored some of the risks yourself. There's plenty of risk of hurting others in the family if this goers bust. This sounds to my ears like it might be too soon for your partner.
Of course who am I to say? I'm just a little guy about the size of 1/4 inch stuck inside this little box.
@Ragman,
LOL! Thank you for making me laugh, Ragman...
Well, to be honest, his children are very receptive of me. I am not planning to be their 'mother', but we always were very close, and we have our relationships formed long ago. Now we are keep going, but perhaps, we are a bit closer. His family is very supportive of me too, we are all friends..
@Samash,
May it remain that way forever. Somehow you might slow it down a bit so you feel like you have your bearings a bit better.
@Ragman,
Thank you, really thank you... I don't know who you are, but I appreciate you taking your time to comfort me with your words xx
@Samash,
I wish the best for you and the whole family. The heart is the tenderest of all our organs. I used to think it was earlobes, though.
@Samash,
It is very complicated task but if you love him so yo can marriage. you also said that your child are friends one another and you he love each other and you want to be with him so I think you should marriage as soon as possible
@vikirichard,
Oh, ok. Thank you for your input, Vikirichard xx
@Samash,
Could I ask your ages?
Look, you don't want to be the "transition" woman - it sounds like you want to be THE woman. So he MAY need to stretch himself for a while i.e. be single in all sense of that word.
I started seeing another widower after just 9 months. I had taken care of my sick husband for over 3 years and he had nursed his wife for 7. We needed the friendship and it developed into something else. After a while, we both realized that we wanted different things. He married only 3 months after we stopped seeing each other. My point is that he may not know what he wants right now and although YOU think it's a sure thing, he is still grieving, albeit it is a conflicted grief.
As far as the family is concerned: you don't need permission to have a relationship - or their blessing. Don't let anyone push this too fast for the two of you.
Please slow down and just enjoy today. That's all we have anyway.
@PUNKEY,
Thank you for your reply, Punkey.
I am 39 and he is 53. You are right, I absolutely do not want to be the 'transition' woman. We talked about that, and he said that he really hopes and wants me to be the woman for the rest of his life. It is so confusing and hard. We 'broke up' 2 days ago, but keep texting each other with messages of support 'as friends'. Well, I stopped and he is keep going. Oh... I wish it all was less complicated.
And you are right about not needing a blessing. We have talked about that too, and decided that this is 'our' relationship, not anybody else.. We do have great communication. But we also a very aware and realise that we do not want to offend the family (his, mine) and friends by moving too soon. That is by far THE HARDEST part. Staying secret, constantly watching our body language when we are around other people (which is 95% of the time). I am happy to give him time to be single. I would like a break too... I am grieving as well and need some space. However, we also decided that no matter how we proceed it is not going to be easy, but it will be easier to be together... Not sure now...
@Samash,
For your own protection, I encourage you to not think of this as anything more than two people comforting each other after a tragedy.
In spite of the marriage being rocky at the end, he did love her at one time and he needs to grieve. So do you.
I wish you luck. Please have a clear and mature vision of this situation.
Time will reveal all.
@PUNKEY,
Thank you, Punkey.
Clear and mature... hey? Trust me, I am trying my hardest.
I know he loved her. But she betrayed him! Because that other man is still in the picture, I am worried that if my W will ever find out it will just destroy him. On the other hand, I know about the affair, and how it unfolded... And this knowledge is really hard to have and keep.
@PUNKEY,
Additionally, I appreciate your encouragement, but it is hard to think about this as just comforting relationship... Particularly we seems to be planning the rest of our lives together. Unimaginably hard...
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