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Fri 26 Jul, 2013 05:48 am
So, here goes: I know my husband loves me very much but, at times, he tends to be really selfish and I’m sure he doesn’t realise it – when confronted, he acts really surprised and sometimes dismisses what I say, saying I’m just being too demanding and that he had no intention whatsoever of being selfish or insensitive – he is though, and I know that if it was the other way round, that is, if I acted towards him the way he acts towards me sometimes, he would be outraged and all hell would break loose.
Examples: if I get sick (like if I get the flu or something “unimportant” like that) he offers to buy me medicine, acts worried at the moment but, the next day, seems to have forgotten it all and doesn’t even ask how I am feeling.If I say I’ve had a bad day at work, he won’t pay much attention. If I say I have an important meeting the day after and that I’m really nervous about it,he won’t even bother to send me an sms the whole day while I’m at work, with encouragement words, nor does he ask me how it went when I get home. It’s like he doesn’t even remember. On the other hand, when he gets sick it’s like he’s about to die, complains like a child and wants me to be around all the time;if he has a bad day at work, he will be the unhappiest person on earth and I always stand by his side.
Yesterday I was particularly down due to my grandfather’s death (who passed away 3 months ago), I had a breakdown and really needed to be comforted. All he said was “that’s sad…” and immediatly changed subject andstarted talking about the political situation in Brazil (I was like WTF???).
The worst kind of thing he does, which I think it’s reallyselfish of him, is when he goes away for work or to visit his mother andsometimes DAYS go by and he won’t say ANYTHING. I know for sure he’s not cheating, he just sits there at his mother or wherever he is and, if he’s busy or entertained with something, won’t tell me ANYTHING. In normal situations, if he’s fine, yes, he’ll call, but if he’s worried about something, he just shuts down and doesn’t care about anyone in the world but himself.
In January he went to see his mother and I hadn’t heard of him in 2 days and I was going mad, and then when he bothered to switch on his phone he had this really awful sick voice and told me he’d been at the hospital with serious flu, but had been at his mother’s resting since the day before. I said: "were you so sick you couldn’t even move your fingers and bother to send an sms?? I was worried sick" He said “oh, but I was feeling so down, I barely got out of bed”. It’s not like he’s cheating or something, I know for sure he was at that hospital, I know for sure he was sick at his mother, but I think this is double selfishness– not thinking I’d be worried sick and not bothering to ask how I was.
I surely think he takes me for granted.
I don’t understand this behaviour: no matter how worried I am about something, I never Forget my SO and I always bother to ask how he is.It’s just the natural, normal thing to do.
I know he’s not a bad man (although I’m focusing on hisdownside here), and nobody’s perfect, but sometimes he can be very annoying and unconsiderate without realising so: maybe I could just give him a taste of his own medicine, but I can’t seem to do it, I feel bad and guilty and feel itwould be kind of childish of me to do so.
He’s just like this – shuts himself down but it can be very hurtful. I’ve talked about this before but nothing has changed. He thinks I’m too demanding and doesn’t realise the consequences of his actions – however, i knowhe’d GO NUTS if I did the same.
Suggestions on dealing with this? Is it possible to?
Thank you!
@AnaMaria83,
Opinions please? Pretty please?
@AnaMaria83,
I read through your post earlier. I find that IT is well written and has made me think on this awhile. I commend you for seeing both sides reasonably.
This sort of presentation of the problem can make it even harder to comment on. I wish i could say I had some sage advice to offer you.
1. Clearly, as far as you've presented this he seems selfish. The word tone deaf comes to mind. You might be by your nature unselfish. He needs to learn how to be more considerate. Somehow...through counseling...or by some means...he needs to grow. Maybe this is even a case of his immaturity. Too hard to say.
2. It seems he is taking you for granted. You need to tell him (but not through revenge methods) the error of his ways without putting him on the defensive. This might take a objective 3rd party to teach or present the problem and method of raising his awareness.
3. Maybe your dialogue or conversations with him when these selfish acts occur come across as too demanding. You need to learn how not to be so demanding. this will take time and patience.
4. That business of his not being in tough with you when he was in hospital and ill is too loaded with trouble. That is just dead wrong on his part. That behavior is what a single man might do.
You need to decide ..both of you do...if it's worth it. I will guess that you both feel this is important enough to change your ways and learn how to diffuse the conflict.
@Ragman,
Oops...that should have been written: "being in touch"
and...then...
"in hospital and becoming ill"
Realize that you are married to an emotionally unavailable person.
Therefore, you need to be very directive in what you need from him, i.e. "I want you to call me at 5 p.m. to tell me about your day. I will be waiting for that call. I expect it from you. Is that something you can do?" or "I am sick. I want you to check in with me in two hours to see how I feel."
Sorry, but this guy just doesn't get how to nurture and he will have to be taught what you want.
@PUNKEY,
Is it possible that he loves me?
I mean, I may be programmed in a certain way and it's hard for me to understand how or why could anyone behave differently.
But I thought care came with love, right?
@Ragman,
Thank you Ragman. Very helpful.
@AnaMaria83,
He loves you as much as he can.
@PUNKEY,
I'm surprised in a way. I thought people would say he's a dirtbag and tell me to dump him. I'm happy things don't sound so bad after all, maybe I'm really being too demanding and should just chill and look at it from another perspective
@AnaMaria83,
I haven't seen where you wrote that he has cheated on you or has been nasty to you. Neglect or being dismissive of you or your needs on the other hand is not something that should be tolerated.
That is why I wrote what I did earlier. This is a tough one to advise.
I'd try to be less demanding and see what develops on his part. Of course there has to be an agreement on his part to be more sensitive and less dismissive.
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