Help! Getting so lost...

Reply Mon 22 Jul, 2013 05:04 pm

Well Im getting pretty lost now and cant seem to find a way out. Maybe you can help. Try not to be judgemental what I need right now are the first small steps.

I've been having an affair with my business partner for around 18 months now. We spend days at work very close - sometimes 9 hours a day always have lunch and sometimes breakfast. We have declared our undying love for each other. Both have unsatisfactory marriages.

6 months ago wife finds a hotel recept, puts two and two together and I move into the spare room. She suspects business partner but has no proof. I persuade her not to cause ruptures because the business is our livihood. Somehow I manage to keep the wolf from the door of my business partner and her marriage survives intact. I have since moved out and have my old flat.

Having got this far I now want the relationship with my partner to be over as it is unsatisfactory for me. I love her very much but have told her she either carries on without deceit (ie ends her marriage voluntarily) or we end the affair. She continues to do nothing, saying nothing to her husband but not allowing us to end, So I try to end it - several times in the last 6 weeks - but every time I try to end it it is impossible. She gets upset, plays emotional games, long days become difficult until I eventually capitulate and we get back together.

I cant move on, I cant clear my head like I should be doing right now. She says she wants to leave but cant think about what to say. A lot of you will say walk away but unless her husband finds out she will continue to turn up at work and hassle me. I've asked her nicely, aggressively and even begged her to leave me alone but she keeps coming at me. This hard because Im in love with her. She is in love with me. But she has kids and wont leave her home. I'm considering asking her husband or at least getting his radars up a bit so she will learn a harder lesson but then that then puts the business at risk and indeed me (he will kill me). Maybe I should leave - but this is a big business and Ive worked really hard to get to where we are.

So any small suggestions gratefully received. xxx
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Reply Mon 22 Jul, 2013 09:08 pm
Why is this woman still your partner? Insist on ending the partnership. Buy her out or have her buy you out.

You know you need to end this and not seeing her every day would help.
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Reply Mon 22 Jul, 2013 09:35 pm
You do realise that, not being judgemental of the affair - it's almost impossible not to be judgemental of your incredibly poor judgement in all this?

You got yourself involved in an affair that could :
- if it went sour - ruin your business (your livelihood), OR
- if your wife found out it could ruin your marriage and associated assets

The question I have is : having gotten yourself into the most tangled affair possible - how do you expect anyone else to get you out of such a mess?

Further complicating matters, you fell in love with her...but...she doesn't appear to have any intention of leaving her husband.

If she's not prepared after what you've tried, she won't be leaving him.

You now have a decision to make about how you want to carry this forward. That's really the most I can say - make a decision, and stick with it.

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Reply Mon 22 Jul, 2013 10:29 pm
I don't want to be judgmental, but a few more details would help. Do you still love your wife, do you have children? If so, you may benefit greatly from couples therapy. If not, you may need to seek therapy for yourself to get back on track. I'm not suggesting medication, I don't know how long you have been married, if you were happy or content until you met the current woman, perhaps you can rebuild on that foundation.

As far as the other woman, she still has an exciting, secret her husband and children don't know about. But you are living in your old flat. If you were a woman I would tell you to run as fast as you can. Bottom line, you don't seem very happy right now, you may be worrying about what your family and friends think. Nobody wants to hear, "try counseling", but you can talk to an impartial 3rd party who can help you. If you don't click with first one, find another.
Consider this, you are expressing you have a difficulty in your life and you have
taken a big first step. Good luck to you.
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