Scatalogical Terror to Increase Excrementally

High-ranking U.S. government officials have held near round-the-clock meetings in recent days to comb intelligence reports that suggest the possibility of scatological terror activity in the United States. U.S. officials, saying California is the location of highest concern, expressed fears over the use of a range of devices that included mischievous ham-and-egg gassers, perhaps a "dirty bomb."

U.S. officials, Ed Garson and Mason Riley, speaking on condition of anonymity, said investigators became interested in Flight 68 after intercepted "chatter" among suspected flatulists led U.S. intelligence to believe an arse-onist's attack might be imminent. The chatter included a specific dietary references to sauerkraut, cheese, deviled eggs and beer, according to one federal law-enforcement source.

With that information, U.S. authorities contacted French intelligence concerning the possibility that suspected flatulists might be destined for America. They prevailed upon Air France to cancel Flight 68, as well as others bound for Los Angeles International Airport (LAX(ative)), because the original intelligence information warned of more than one flight being sullied.

Phillippe Polovshin, a tourist planning to visit the U.S. from France, was scheduled to fly from Paris to Los Angeles when the scatological terror alert was issued. "This is not new to me and my family," he said. "We are from Russia - from old Soviet Union. Flights getting cancelled at last minute happened all the time." In 1983, Polovshin's family defecated to France.

In his pre-Christmas Press Conference, Homeland Security Department Secretary Tom Ridge confirmed that, "the U.S. intelligence community has received a substantial increase in the volume of feculent-related reports. It's a gas-gas-gas," says Ridge.