Reply Sun 30 Jun, 2013 11:33 am

First of all, a bit of context: a suffer from borderline personality disorder (BPD). I don't want to blame everything on BPD - as I believe I have to take responsability for my actions - however I think it's a disorder that affects very strongly the way I think and feel about things, in a way that sometimes may be very distant from reality. So it's up to you to tell me whether you think I'm going nuts again or not:

Here goes: last September, my significant other got in touch with his highschool sweetheart (through
facebook). It had been about 20 years since they last saw each other and I wasn't very happy to see they were friends on facebook. She's very pretty, lol. Anyway, he was already friends with her sisters and mother before she joined facebook, and they also have a lot of friends in common.

So far everything seems normal - ok, I felt a bit uneasy and started following her posts every single day, paranoia thing, but at the same time felt that it would be normal for them to catch up.

A month later I realised she'd gone through his whole page on facebook and "liked" something he had posted a year before, when they weren't even friends. And the post she "liked" was a quote on "how to love a woman". Out of all the things he posted, that's what she liked.

Ok. Once again, she could have been checking his whole page out of curiosity. And could have liked that quote. Simple. But very uneasy for me.

By now I've had countless nights of nightmares with her. He doesn't know about this and when I asked about her, "oh it's nothing, but we were really close friends and have normal conversations!"

So I thought: it's ok to catch up and maybe they're not even talking anymore.

Two months ago, I checked his computer history and saw that "in the last 7 days" he'd been checking her photos - about 20 and had exchanged messages with her, but wasn't able to read them. In the last seven days. So I asked him: have you talked to her recently? He said no. I said "it's in your computer history". He said he didn't remember. That it was probably something unimportant". He acted very deffensive. I said "let me see then. Let me read it". He wouldn't let me. He didn't let me.

Now you may say that I had to right to a) not trust him b)go through his things c)ask him for his personal stuff and that he was right to say no. But I don't find this natural. At all...if I had nothing to hide I'd show it straight away.

He then said he had already deleted the conversation and that he didn't remember it. That sometimes they wouldtalk about trivial stuff, that she was having a hard time because her husband had left her with two kids. And I'm like wtf, one thing is catching up, the other is having kind of intimate conversations that I don't know about.

She lives in a different state so I'm sure he hasn't seen her, but in two months he'll have to go to her state for a few days (work) and I'm terrified they'll meet up. He would never tell me even if it was innocent. And I also don't think it's very appropriate for them to meet, although some of my friends say it may be natural. Well, it COULD be natural if she was a long time lost friend, but she's his ex-girlfriend. And very hot too.

I know, there has to be trust in a relationship but I'm finding it very hard to deal with this. I've tried talking to him but he dismisses everything. He once told me that if I wanted he would delete her but I said no. Don't wanna go that way.

Jeez, I'm damned. Your thoughts on this?

P.S. Also: pretty much every woman that he comes close to I think he'll cheat on me with her. Or I think he'll want to have something to do with her, and that she's probably easy going and happy and that he'll prefer her to me. It's just so hard living like this. But I don't know if it's just me, or if he's really doing something that triggers this. He's divorced and I know he has cheated in the past (not with me).
I don't know if I'm being sick or if it's my intuition telling me to pay attention.
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Reply Sun 30 Jun, 2013 03:00 pm
Pay attention.

I feel sorry for you that you have to live under such circumstances. It must be exhausting and it must zap your energy.

So, why do you keep this up? This kind of relationship can't help your BPD. It only feeds your worst fears and thoughts.

Reply Sun 30 Jun, 2013 03:44 pm
Why don't you show him your post, and any replies.

Regarding him 'forgetting' :

If he has had a recent conversation (in the last week) with his high school sweetheart about her about her struggles after breaking up, there is no way he would have forgotten - so he has lied to you. There are two reason he may lie to you : 1. He doesn't want an argument with you, because he knows you're insanely jealous; or 2. He's hiding something from you.

Regarding him not letting you see the messages :

He knows you have BPD, and if he knows anything about it, he should be showing you how trustworthy he is, not feeding you fears. Knowing it's an ex of yours - if it was all innocent, the first thing he should have done is openned the message boxes for you.

In regards to him deleting the messages :

That's fine (rather unlikely, but fine) - for if he does that with her messages, then he does that with everyones messages. Ask to see, not the contents of the messages, but his general inbox - which should have a list of messages from many of his friends. Within each friends inbox, the messages should have message dates. The number of messages, and message dates, will inform you if he deletes messages as standard practice, or not.

In General - if you are married to someone with BPD you have to make certain accomodations to make the marriage easier. If you have BPD and are married, you also have to make certain accomodations, which it seems like you are trying to do.

I'd suggest the two of you sit down with a doctor who specialises in your disorder (which may just be your family doctor) and sort out some ground rules for the two of you living with your condition...because you shouldn't be having this sort of fight over hidden messages to old flames.

Reply Sun 30 Jun, 2013 04:22 pm
I echo what Vikkor wrote.

No matter what your love interest is doing (or not doing) right or wrong, you need some counseling. You seem a bit highly focused (obsessed) about this activity. I don't state this in any way critically or judgmentally. You recognize that you have BPD and that I'll assume came from having seen a counselor at some point. Are you still seeing a counselor? Sorry but I missed it if you stated this earlier.

If he is doing it (or thinking) of cheating, shame on him. However, your responsibility is to lessen the stress and paranoia for both of your sakes. My policy is that if my g/f or wife had spied on me, I'd have a serious discussion with her about trust issues.

However, me personally, I'd not cheat and I'd not be looking up old g/f and/or keeping up a steady dialogue if I bumped into her online.
Reply Sun 30 Jun, 2013 04:30 pm
"This kind of relationship can't help your BPD. It only feeds your worst fears and thoughts. "

I think you're so right...I keep this up because there is a possibility that I'm seeing things where they don't exist. I mean, trying to see things from his point of view...I can see myself talking to an old flame (in an innocent way) and hiding it from an insanely jealous boyfriend so that he wouldn't freak out.
At the same time, there is the possibility that there's more to it.

And I really don't know for how long I can take this. Suffering from BPD is bad enough as it is. This kind of thing really makes it worse and makes me worse. It's exhausting.

I want someone who will make me feel peace, in spite of knowing noone can really do that for me, it has to come from within...but it would be great if I could have someone transparent, without this kind of doubtful behaviours. Or maybe it's all in my mind. I don't know. Oh well...

I'll really focus on myself now. I want peace. If he wants to go find another, then let him.
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Reply Sun 30 Jun, 2013 04:35 pm
Hi Ragman, I saw a conselour for two years. I'm now more confident but I still have BPD and now I'm in a relationship that I feel triggers my worst fears. But I don't know if it's the relationship itself or if it's my head playing.

I just wanted peace, you know? It's so exhausting. Living worried, depressed, anxious all the time. Nightmares, worst case scenarios, going week on the knees. I don't know. I wish I could just be at peace.

I don't really talk to him about BPD or my fears - not much, anyway. When it comes out, it's usually an impulsive thing that makes me look crazy, then we make up and I don't bring the subject up because I fear it will drive him away, thinking that I'm sick or disturbed or something...

Which would make me look bad compared to all the cheerful happy girls that he knows (or at least look like it...well, I always tend to fantasise great things about other people and the worst about myself)
Reply Sun 30 Jun, 2013 04:44 pm
I'm sorry to read how you suffer with this. You're right...this activity doesn't help with your problem. However, I'm not sure what to suggest other than seeking more counseling ... In some cases I might suggest couple's counseling. Though, in this case it sounds like individual therapy might serve you better.

In one case that I knew of, a woman I know with a similar situation (she had BPD) etc. ... she did better after she parted with b/f and then continued therapy.

I wish you peace and confidence.
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