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Thu 27 Jun, 2013 09:04 am
I'm a very happily married guy in his early 40's with two kids. We've been married over ten years and are madly in love, and have an enviable relationship in terms of communication and trust. Our sex life is pretty good considering we have kids; we manage to have sex at least once every 10 days or so. Not as much as I'd like (what a shocker) but for where we are it's good. But once in a while I look at porn online as a means of release. My wife has been okay with this in the past, but would prefer I didn't do it. However several months ago I stumbled across a web chat room where you can watch other people's cameras and broadcast your own. It's totally anonymous and no one shows their faces, only neck down kind of stuff. I visited the site several times, justifying it as just another kind of porn, "live porn" if you will. There was never any one on one activity; that's not how the site is set up - you watch several broadcasts at a time and maybe someone watches you if you were "lucky" (the female to male ratio was off the charts as you can imagine). Anyway, it started to feel like what I was doing was really gross, and after weeks of mustering up the courage, I told my wife everything. I love, value and respect her too much for it to continue.
Obviously, she was devastated. She feels betrayed, angry, and disgusted. She feels like I cheated on her and doesn't know how to rebuild our trust. I've been 100% open and communicative, ready to listen and not at all defensive. I have acknowledged the pain I've caused and apologized profusely, and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to repair the damage.
The question is, how can I best support her as she moves through this? What do I do? As ridiculous as it sounds, it had nothing to do with her - I wasn't pushed away, I wasn't unhappy or mad at her, I'm intensely sexually attracted to her - it's not like an affair where it's totally cut and dry cheating. I just wanted to find a new way to get my rocks off, but I've hurt her beyond measure and it's killing me to see her like this.
Any insight or comments or advice would be most helpful and appreciated.
@davidparker,
Just a thought. She may see the progression from video to live porn where others can "see" you as a threat. In other words, she could be worried about where you go from here.
Look, you are a happily married guy and I think to make things right you need to dump the porn altogether. Make an effort to be intimate with your wife a bit more often.
@davidparker,
First, answer the question to yourself of why you chose to reveal this to your wife. Instead of walking away from that website leaving your wife ignorant and happy, you chose to shatter her world. What an insanely selfish thing to do. Did you figure that while it would screw over her life, it would make you feel a little less guilty? Were you trying to motivate her to have more sex? You don't owe us an answer, but you clearly should try to figure that out for yourself before you can try to "support her."
I agree with engineer: there really was no reason for you to tell your wife about your cyber sex gone wrong/guilt thing.
Was it perhaps to let her know you needed more intimate time with her? Well, it backfired, by friend.
Stay off the computer. Pay more attention to her. Don't bring this up again.
Assure her that she is the only one you are interested in. Take her away for a romantic weekend.
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