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Sat 15 Jun, 2013 09:34 pm
My friend is being neglected/has been abused by her parents. She is currently 14 years old, and when she was younger, around nine, her father used to sexually abuse her by making her perform oral sex on him. He used it as a punishment for her. He also physically, and quite possibly sexually, abused her three older siblings. She never told anyone about her situation, yet her mother eventually kicked the father out for physically abusing all of them, herself included. Recently, her mother asked her father to move back in, because she "missed" him and needed the money. So, he did. This put stress on all the kids, and even drove the eldest sibling to attempt suicide. Yet her mother said nothing. My friend has tried to talk to her mother, but she won't listen to her, claiming they wouldn't be able to pay the bills without him. Odd thing is, though, the father doesn't even have a job, and the mother rarely goes to her own. The three older sibling all work two jobs while trying to maintain friends and good grades in college and high school. My friend doesn't even have a room. She sleeps on the couch in the living room. They all live in a very dangerous and frankly, ghetto neighborhood, in a very tiny house with six people and four animals. I'm afraid the father will start abusing them again, but I don't want to risk calling and getting the state involved, because they might split them all up, when this could all be solved by making her dad move out. I begged her to have a serious conversation with her mother without her father there, and when she did, her mom just said she knew and walked away. How can I help my best friend?
There are TWO abusers in the home - the father and the mother.
What a mess.
The kids need to band together and make it perfectly plain to BOTH adults that any abuse to any one of them will result in authorities being brought in.
Is there no other adult in these kids lives that they can talk to?
@it-was-a-lie,
I think you should talk to her again, just invite her home to you or go to a cafe. Ask her again about her situation at home and her feelings toward everything. If the situation really is as bad as it sounds, I think you and her should immediately contact child protective services, maybe it would even make sense to include her siblings in the conversation, in case they feel comfortable talking together about it.
Even if the father stopped doing it, I think it's still an unsustainable situation to be livng in, traumatic even just to see him every day. The mother seems to care more about her own neediness (which is obviously only of emotional nature) than about her children who should be protected by her!
I think you should help her (and her siblings) to get out of there as soon as possible!! Can you talk to your parents about this? Maybe they could help as well. I assume that you're not (much) older than 14 also, so the best thing to do is, contact an adult who you all can trust.
Hope this helps! I wish you and your friend all the very best!
@it-was-a-lie,
This is an emergency. Your 14 year old friend is living in a place where she is beaten and raped. There is not even a question here. Get the authorities involved! You should call someone who can help today.
From what you are saying there is nothing worse then where she is right now. She is living in a hell and she needs to be taken to someplace where she can be safe. Someone who is in such a horrible abusive situation will have trouble getting or asking for help for themselves, but this is such a bad situation that it is up to you to step in. Call DSS and talk with someone who can help, or find an adult you trust who will do that for you.
From what you are saying, there really isn't any question here. She needs help. Call someone right now.
@PUNKEY,
Thank you for the advice, and I completely agree with you. But the only adult that could really make an impact is K's (my friend's) Godmother, and my friend is afraid that if she told her she would say something to her mom who would lie her way out of it and maybe punish K for telling her.
@Valentineconstantly,
Thanks for your input! I invited her over today and spoke to her. She says she's so stressed because everyone is always fighting and yelling she actually got a peptic ulcer, so she came here and MY mother took care of her, because her own paid no attention. But my friend is so scared of being put in a foster home or being taken away from her siblings and basically her LIFE that I couldn't be the one to tell the authorities, so I begged her to tell her godmother, and she told me she would think about it and definitely do it if things stayed the same or got even worse. My parents know everything and are trying their best to help her with subtlety because she doesn't know they know. She's always at my house eating dinner with us and sleeping with me in an actual bed. But if something gets worse and she doesn't tell her godmother I will contact the state. Thank you again!
@maxdancona,
I know that her situation is HORRIBLE, and I'm doing my best to get an adult involved. Thank you very much for telling me what I needed to do, I don't think I would've had the guts to do it myself without your help. You may have just saved four children and four animals from hell.
@it-was-a-lie,
Okay everyone, I really need more advice! My friend is completely refusing my help, and gets angry when I push it. Her situation is getting worse, and the only foods she's been eating when she's home are fast food and poptarts. She was over at my house for about 5 days and she was so hungry for real food, so I told her that she really needed to tell someone. She got all upset, and no matter what I said or did, she just continued to be angry and claim she didn't need help. She kept saying that I "didn't understand" and that "she can't tell or else her sisters will be even more stressed" but I think her sisters being stressed out is a much less severe issue than her father abusing her or her mother neglecting her. How can I get her to see this?
@it-was-a-lie,
Okay everyone, I really need more advice! My friend is completely refusing my help, and gets angry when I push it. Her situation is getting worse, and the only foods she's been eating when she's home are fast food and poptarts. She was over at my house for about 5 days and she was so hungry for real food, so I told her that she really needed to tell someone. She got all upset, and no matter what I said or did, she just continued to be angry and claim she didn't need help. She kept saying that I "didn't understand" and that "she can't tell or else her sisters will be even more stressed" but I think her sisters being stressed out is a much less severe issue than her father abusing her or her mother neglecting her. How can I get her to see this?
@it-was-a-lie,
It is not uncommon for the abused person to rationalize and minimize the situation - for fear of more reprisals.
Have you talked to the other sisters about this situation?
I just wonder if the entire situation is accurate. You need outside collarobation that what she says is really happening.
I am concerned that no adults are around either you or her that you can confide in. Have you confided in your own parents? Could she stay at your house for a while until things got sorted out?
@PUNKEY,
Thank you for your reply, and no, I haven't talked to her sisters. My friend is very very serious about never letting anyone know about the situation that isn't in her family. Her sisters don't even know that my friend was abused by the father, she never told them because she doesn't "want to put more stress on them". They don't know that I know either. But yes, my parents know, and she has been over for long periods of time, the longest being around ten days. But she always gets homesick and wants to see her sisters and cats, so she goes home for about three days, then comes back. I really don't want to betray her trust by telling anyone else, and I know that she would get in trouble if her family found out I knew. I'm trying to give her the strength to confide in her godmother, the only adult she trusts. The godmother has pieced together that something is wrong in the household, but she doesn't know the extent of it.
@it-was-a-lie,
Look at this point you need to get the state involved there's really not much of a choice, this situation is going downhill fast from what it sounds and its only going to get worse. If she's really your friend she'll forgive you one day.
Thank you to everyone who gave their advice, I really, really appreciate it. While I was still deciding what to do, I accidentally let it slip that I posted this about her. I didn't give her details, but she was angry that I "told everyone about it", even though I assured her it was completely anonymous. Like I said, she is insanely cautious about keeping everything a secret. Things seemed to get better for a while, but recently (from what I've been able to pick up) their already low funds got even lower, somehow at the fault of her dad. Anyway, because of this, and the number of people in their household, they have little food. K, who was a little chubby around 150 lbs. and 5'6, is losing weight. She eats poptarts for breakfast, and chips for lunch and dinner. She is now around 140 lbs. or so and dropping at a steady rate. I am very, very concerned for her. Please help.
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