head feels like it will blow

You say you have been in the hospital - is that right? Then you have talked to someone about this, right? What do they say?

Your dad is an asshole - he cheats on his wife and discounts his children. He uses you to fill his needs. Everyone acts like they don't know what's going on, but they do. Have you talked to your mother about this?

I can understand why this upsets you.

Your entire family needs counseling.

I wud not care about his private life.
From your post, it sounds like your mother does not desire your help.

Just enjoy life as much as possible.
Make plans for more and better enjoyment in the future.

I advise u not to get emotional about the situation; that helps no one.
U might consider getting a BETTER mental health care professional.





David

You say you have been in the hospital - is that right? Then you have talked to someone about this, right? What do they say?

Yes he sent me to hospital on several different times at the beginning between ages of 16-21 I could not tell them the real reason as I was scared it got back to my mum (I just said I was depressed from the bullies and attacks I had in younger years (on my 16th birthday and 4 attacks while I was 16 and 17) to be honest though none of that hurts as much as this does but I am ashamed about what he is doing and I guess that played a factor of it, after I blew up on finding out I never spoke of it again. I know now that he prob only sent me to hops to cover his tracks e.g. 'oh she lies don't pay any notice to her' but he must have known he was doing wrong to me it seemed he sold me out instead of stopping what he was doing.

Your dad is an asshole - he cheats on his wife and discounts his children. He uses you to fill his needs. Everyone acts like they don't know what's going on, but they do. Have you talked to your mother about this?

Yes once and it went pear shaped. she said when I was around 17 that I was so troubled I made him leave if thats whats going on, I felt awful not only had my dad sold me out to cover him, my mum was now blaming me for his wandering off. (it was in a heated argument, through anger or not it was still said) I never spoke about it after that. Since keeping quiet I've just been watching it all go on and to be honest I feel mum doesn't want the hassle of divorce or having to meet anyone new or dating and stuff like that which I guess is fair enough but I feel it is wrong but I can see where she is coming from.

since being quiet my 'dad' must think he has free rein and do as he pleases as now he is never home, he is out most of the day at work (he just goes to her house as she only lives round corner) I don't go out anymore as I hear loads of crap that annoys me more (I've had people say to me 'oh thank your dad and %$£$ for there lovely gift they are such a nice couple) grrrrrrrr I don't wanna know ( I have bad cycles and one weekend he was being a knob to me so I blurted out what I was told, he went silent and said 'oh is this one of your lies again' well this finished me as being older I turned round and snapped back ' don't you dare try saying its me again for years you have had me cover your dirty tracks you stay away from me this is the end of u and me I hate you and everything you do to the family I was fuming, he stayed silent until I left) since that he tries to be over kind to me but i've had it. it's only through the years (growing up I guess) that I can see how it is, for years I blamed myself for everything yet now I see its him trying to cover himself.

I wud not care about his private life.

it's kind of hard when it gets rubbed in my face a lot, thats why I don't go out anymore due to his private life getting told to me I hate it.

From your post, it sounds like your mother does not desire your help.

mum mum is fab she has always stood by me and helped when she can but this is hard for her too I don't hurt my mum so I keep shhhh me and my mum are very close now. she knows I hate my 'dad' and I'm sure she knows why but its never said, I don't want her hurt he does that well enough on his own. I just tell her I will always stay with her no matter what but 'dad' on the other hand can go rot, although recently we chatted and she said 'it's only u who hates your dad everyone else thinks he's amazing (which is true but they prob wouldn't think that if they all knew what he was doing) I told her to just look after herself, (I feel he is up to something really bad but I try not to think about that and I will deal with it as it happens)

Just enjoy life as much as possible.
Make plans for more and better enjoyment in the future.

I've tried believe me but I am trapped, I can't get time off as I make him to much money he hates it when I am away, I can't plan nothing as I have nothing he controls everything.

I advise u not to get emotional about the situation; that helps no one.
U might consider getting a BETTER mental health care professional.

lol emotion comes if you want it or not, I looked up to this guy thinking he was amazing so when I 1st found out it felt like he was a stranger I couldn't believe it, he crushed me, and as for better help, well I'm done with all that it's all down to the person to help not to pay someone to help plus theres no point as I won't tell them as I'm so ashamed of him and whats going on .

I guess I'll be just stuck here forever. he is very controlling and knows how to upset me and puts guilt on me a lot he is awful about my mum and bro yet talks highly of me to anyone it's all changed since I blurted out at him I guess he feels guilty but I don't care its gone on for to long and I will never forgive him for the past

like he taught me when I was a child 'it's easy to break someones trust but it's a lifetime challenge to regain it' now look what he does pfftttttt what a idiot he should take his own advice

It IS possible to control your emotions.
I have succeeded with that. U can condition your subconscious mind with suggestion to it.

A talented mental health care professional (maybe a psychiatrist)
can assist with that, and make it easier, so that life will be more pleasant for u.





David

It IS possible to control your emotions.
I have succeeded with that. U can condition your subconscious mind with suggestion to it.

I am controlling them I am numb to it now I have put it to me and mum are close and my dad doesn't exist well he does but he is not my 'dad' he is a stranger although he tries to get close to me I just don't allow it I won't have him manipulate me like he did

I just get wound up when its rubbed in face i.e. when he drives past with her in car or I go out and get told stuff but I don't react anymore I just get a little upset but I shake it off as none of this is my fault no matter how hard he tries to make it seem like it is. he used to raise his hand at me years ago but he doesn't now as he knows I will flatten him he wouldn't dare raise anything at me I think it's prob coz I turn round and say 'none of this is the families fault it's your doing not mine its you breaking family up not me' he walks away then, I can tell it's all getting to him as he has gone really stressed and you can tell something is playing on his mind but he still carries on. he smashes stuff up and when I here him I will go downstairs (incase my mum is in harms way) and I will just look at him and say 'what on earth are you doing? maybe if you take a look at yourself and sort out your issues maybe you won't get so angry, maybe you should see someone for your anger problems ) that prob winds him up more as its not me biting I just laugh at him and walk away which I know winds him up more as more stuff gets smashed he's a joke but he's only like that as he knows what he's doing is wrong either that or his bird is doing that 'its me or her' thing again

he will put himself in a early grave at this rate but again he blames everyone but himself. he needs to realise what he has got and work on it, it won't get better if he doesn't. the annoying thing is, is that he will slag everyone off (but me) to me and I will never agree I always say how great mum and bro are and if anything is not sitting right its him not us as we all get along fine.

A talented mental health care professional (maybe a psychiatrist)
can assist with that, and make it easier, so that life will be more pleasant for u.

I've seen several shrinks and they helped me realise that people hurt others to make them feel better and a happy mind is a happy life but when your trapped with guilt it's hard he has mental abused me for years making me think I am worthless and hated (this was done when I was young he wouldn't dare say anything like that now as I would start with him) but then again I stay away from him a lot so I don't really give him chance to talk but he notices it and always tries I just have no interest so I give 1 word answers so he knows I'm not interested or I just say 'do you mind I'm busy' if he's in a room I tend to walk out

to try and sort myself out I'm going to try my own business on the side to try and get extra cash to get out as I am getting old now I want a family and it will be too late soon, he will have no part in my childs life if I ever get preg I wouldn't want them to get hurt like I have!! I just need out my mum said she will help me move out as she thinks its best too (prob coz she thinks he will get better but I think he will get worse or even leave) I don't know I just know it's hard, it also plays a part in mine and my fellas relationship as I have strong feelings about cheating and lying (obviously) yet I've never been cheated on. but he is understanding and just tries to comfort me when I am down, I just say it's stress or being tired.

What kind of business is this that you make so much money (that benefits your Dad, you say)

You say you are working on the side. What talent do you have that you can do this?

There are many people who feel trapped in a relationship. You are somewhat trapped because of your age, but since you have some kind of marketable talent, you will be able to support yourself some day.

I am concerned about the obsessiveness of your feelings, however. You may need medication to get these thoughts about another person under control and put them in their place. Actuall, the passiveness of your mother is another factor. She has not protected you and the home from his behavior. BUT everyone has their reasons for what they do. You may understand these later, as you get older, and can figure out what's going on in their marriage.

ANYWAY - You don't want it to ruin your entire life. You are only about 1/5 through your time on this earth. Don't let these bad thoughts train your brain to react for another 75 years or so!! Get some help ASAP.

*What kind of business is this that you make so much money (that benefits your Dad, you say)

family business I am very good at my job I am a workaholic I love my job but I found out it is funding there time together e.g. holidays and general living

*You say you are working on the side. What talent do you have that you can do this?

No, I want to work on the side for extra cash I have many talents I am very creative and I generally get asked to make gifts for others I just don't charge anything at the moment.

*There are many people who feel trapped in a relationship. You are somewhat trapped because of your age, but since you have some kind of marketable talent, you will be able to support yourself some day.

I am trapped because I am old I get hardly any cash for my hard work (he just uses it all for lush holidays for him and his bit of whatever it is) I can't escape as soon as I say I'm leaving he says 'why bother you won't get anywhere, you need me. how can you dump on your family like this. your grandparents would be cursing you now. So it makes me feel bad and I stay.

*I am concerned about the obsessiveness of your feelings, however. You may need medication to get these thoughts about another person under control and put them in their place. Actuall, the passiveness of your mother is another factor. She has not protected you and the home from his behavior. BUT everyone has their reasons for what they do. You may understand these later, as you get older, and can figure out what's going on in their marriage.

it prob sounds obsessive but it's like I am working for the other two and letting them be happy while we all suffer from it we just have to let him do as he pleases so he doesn't get upset. my mum is not to blame, she blames me for dads behaviour as when I was a young child I got bullied and apparently 'dad' didn't know how to cope hence him wandering. which I can see why, I guess I feel guilt to my mum for being troubled and making her husband find somewhere else. I think my mum just wants it forgotten with as she prob thinks it will push him away more hence me never talking about it anymore I don't want to upset her.

*ANYWAY - You don't want it to ruin your entire life. You are only about 1/5 through your time on this earth. Don't let these bad thoughts train your brain to react for another 75 years or so!! Get some help ASAP.

lol how old do you think I am? I won't live to 106 lol I am middle aged it's just I found out at a young age its been going on for a long time, I can't get help as I don't talk to people about it in real life as I am ashamed of it and I don't want to be looked at as though I am helping them again a guilt I feel for mum as it is me who is giving the other couple so much money to have fun.

If I leave I have to leave with nothing and start new but I can't until I have a good plan to keep my money at a flow otherwise I'm on the street

**I am concerned about the obsessiveness of your feelings

I also wondered why I can't just ignore it, I guess it's because I don't want it happening near me I don't think it's something anyone should do to anyone.

Am I too moral? am I just different thinking all this is wrong when actually it's right? I mean it looks like most people do it so what the hey :/

am I just being selfish like dad says if I walk away so he doesn't get my cash flow ? so I should keep funding it no matter how moral or not it is?

I dunno maybe it is just something that happens to everyone but they don't say? if it is then what is the point of even being with someone? I don't get any of it. if I left then I won't see it, so it may be better for everyone as it's only me who finds it wrong

If your mother doesn't care,
then what difference does it make??

Its not like he was running amok committing murders.

U 'll be happier if u take the vu that:
"Its none of my business; I 'm not committing any offense."

I've been thinking and I am just going to try my best to ignore it all and try and get on with my life pay more attention to my fella otherwise I will lose what I have and I don't want to

it's just hard when I see him with her driving past me and friends and me explaining that its just a friend he drives about etc mind you I've been covering him and his lies for over 16 years so a few more won't hurt

from now I am just going to concentrate on me and thats it everyone else's problem is theres not mine if 'dad' wants to betray and hurt others thats his choice but I can't let everyone blame me for it it's nothing to do with me

Thanks David it feels like a weight has been lifted just talking about it thank you I feel miles better I guess I just needed to let it out rather then dwelling on it

and after reading a lot on this site it looks like most do it anyway so it's not like a big deal anyway and after all like you said he's not committing any murders or anything

I think this is such a mixture.





No wonder you are confused. 16 years later so around 32 years of age. Your Father is still having an affair yes, and you work for him. Your Mother initially was in denial but as the years have gone by she has realised you didn't lie at all. She is still with him? Where do you live at home still?

The hardest thing of all is what you went through at such a young age. Knowing what you saw, felt but being told you were a lier and sent to a clinic for mental health. Like it is you.... How long does it take to get over that when what you are after is normal. Nurturing from your parents and a happy childhood that strengthens you to become an Adult and get on with life in a good with with love and back up.

People probing and establishing why you fantasise yet it's real.

Your Father got caught out. Your Mother is now close. She didn't want to believe what you say, thought in her eyes it was fantasy you were young, she knows better.

Your Father on the other accord used your thoughts, and knowledge to his advantage.

Your Mother sounds as if she wanted to believe.

You sound as if you wanted to too but ended up telling, good for you.

Look we can't choose our parents, we just cant.

But we can choose how we live out lives, the lessons we learnt the things we liked and did not like and ensure we take that into our future.

You sound as if, you gave up, have given up, you are so young, don't ever let other people rule your life. You belong to yourself. Who he is, he is... What he did, he did.

You understand it now , finally know why, finally know it wasn't you. Do something about that, see someone and grow and be who you now what to be... If that means, ignoring your Father? For now, that's the way it's going to be at some point you will forgive him in the understanding that you worked it out as you have, the using... But, knowing you are better than that, he did not control the rest of your life, just the beginning.

U are very welcome. I 'm glad to have been of any help.
May your life be filled with Beauty and Success !





David

as reading this the first thing I thought was ...................nail on the head you basically said exactly how it felt, it also brought a tear to eye

yes she's with him but like u said we all wanted to believe it was rubbish but no yes we live at home.

I'm going to just get on with trying to make myself happy and not get wound up by anything I see

the future (whats left of it) is mine and it's only me who can make myself happy

so thats what I am going to do thanks everyone

Good for you

We only live once, in this body anyway. Enjoy your life, focus on you and stay around positive people.

May the BEAUTY in your life
be exceeded only by your JOY !!!





David