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Partners guilt after having sex with brothers wife

 
 
Reply Sun 26 May, 2013 09:38 pm
There is no way for me to make this sound good, so here goes.

Before my partner was my partner there was an incident where his brother's wife started coming onto him. He was living at the time with another brother where the front door is always unlocked during the day. The story goes, he was sleeping and no one else was around and she took the opportunity to go into his room and stick her hand down his pants and so on. I don't have the details on how that ended but then there was nothing else for a year. He never said anything because he didn't want to upset his brother and just avoided ever being alone with her.

After a year, he moved out with his friend. His brother (with the wife) invited him and his friend over for dinner. My partner didn't have a car at this time and he was waiting for his friend who had a car to come home so they could go. The wife turned up instead and the friend was not home yet. She started again and this time they ended up having sex in the lounge.

Since then, there has been nothing else and they tend to avoid each other during family gatherings.

I asked him about his reasons for doing it and he said that he just wanted sex and was kind of desperate at the time. It wasn't her he wanted but she kept persisting. At this point in his life he had not been in a relationship for 6 years and was off from work and basically playing PS3, watching porn and smoking and drinking most of the time.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him but it really was a low point for him in his life in all areas and he can admit to it.

Within the next year he met me and completely turned his life around. He stopped drinking and smoking, got a full-time job in finance that he works really hard at and is the most caring and loving person I've ever been with. Everything he does is for us.

But the guilt is really affecting our relationship particularly in the bedroom. He has been to a doctor and a specialist, had tests done and been told the problem is not physical but mental.

I want to know about possible ways we can try to get through this. When this happened, we didn't know each other. I'm not angry or mad. I think we all have periods in our lives where we do stupid things that we regret. I want our relationship to continue but I want him to able to move past this.

Any suggestions?



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Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 1,837 • Replies: 11
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jespah
 
  2  
Reply Mon 27 May, 2013 07:40 am
Yes. Psychotherapy. For both of you - him to cope, and you to cope with him.

He was told the problem was not physical, but mental, but then what? Given the level of detail in your post, I don't think you're leaving out therapy, so I'm wondering why you have not tried it.
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Mon 27 May, 2013 04:12 pm
@michellebelle,
From how you describe it, SHE came on to him, - in fact, sexually assaulted him. Is that right?

If so, he needs to realize that he has been used by this woman!! She took advantage of him. Now he carries the guilt for messing with his brother's wife.

He also needs to realize that she is probably doing this with other men, too, right now.


OR - he is in love with her and can't relate to other women.

He could speak to a trusted adult or professional counselor about this.

Let him go to sort this out by himself.
michellebelle
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 May, 2013 05:42 pm
@jespah,
He went to a specialist months ago who said he was physically fine, prescribed pills, which made an improvement but there were still problems and it's $70 for three pills! Madness!

He only told me about this incident this weekend on Sunday and its Tuesday now. Up until now, it's just been a laundry list of excuses to the point where I started to think I was the problem. Seeing how it was affecting me, he told me the real reason. We are currently looking for a therapist though. He had been afraid to tell me because he didn't know how I would react.
0 Replies
 
michellebelle
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 May, 2013 06:06 pm
@PUNKEY,
I would agree that it's assault when you find someone asleep and do that.

His guilt seems to come from:
1. Not stopping her and letting her do it
2. It being his brother's wife

He definitely needs to sort this out and see a professional.

He comes for a really big family and so there a lot of family events and she is there. There was one just this Sunday night and I saw that she kept glancing at him then see me glaring at her and then she would look away. He never looked at her or interacted with her, didn't even notice she was looking at him until I mentioned it. He just acted like she wasn't there and we sat well away from her.

She is a hideous lady. 15-20 years older than him with a daughter who is 21 and my partner is 28.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 28 May, 2013 06:28 am
@michellebelle,
Yes, he needs to see someone to talk about this. He WAS assaulted. He needs to know that he was not at fault, did not initiate the act and she is now stalker.

If this were turned around, (and she was an older male) she would be charged with rape.

Hopefully, your BF will come to a point where he can confront her with her act.

PS - the brother probably knows about her behavior. She sounds like she has done this before with other youngsters. Stay away from her.
vikorr
 
  2  
Reply Wed 29 May, 2013 12:22 am
@PUNKEY,
Quote:
He WAS assaulted. He needs to know that he was not at fault,
This won't wash with most men, and with a guy suffering guilt from the given circumstances, I would very much suggest this line never of thought never be brought up.

By the way, fault doesn't exist - influencing circumstances and personal responsibility for ones action does.

Personally, I'd approach from this angle :

- You were in X situation, with Y & Z circumstances beforehand
- she turned up and surprised you, and she did A + B (and you may have done C), which put you in position D
- You f##ked up, and chose to E
- as a result you feel guilty (and possibly F& G)
- You think H&I about your brother
- you feel J&K about your sister in law

Is any any way you can make it better?
- will telling your brother make it better (the answer is No!)
- will anything else make it better (the likely answer is No!)

Live with the consequences (because you're stuck with them), admit you have weaknesses, admit you make mistakes, get on with life, and build who you are into someone you can be proud of...even while you may retain some sadness for the mistakes you made - you're human.

Now...what are you going to do about our love life? (the answer should be something along the lines of - get on with life, and focus on making it better between us...even if that doesn't happen straight away).

Just my thoughts.
Pearlylustre
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 May, 2013 01:21 am
@vikorr,
Quote:
Live with the consequences (because you're stuck with them), admit you have weaknesses, admit you make mistakes, get on with life, and build who you are into someone you can be proud of...even while you may retain some sadness for the mistakes you made - you're human.

I agree with this - sounds like my life!
laughoutlood
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 May, 2013 01:52 am
@Pearlylustre,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desensitization_(psychology)

Grope hug.

A whit of inurement as i prefer to refer to wit, to it is the answer.

0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 May, 2013 04:42 am
@michellebelle,
Living with guilt is a horrible thing. It will affect everything.

Then he has the problem that blood is blood and he acted against that.

Personally, I think therapy may eventuate in the suggestion that he tell his Brother no matter what the consequences are.

And, I think that you may find that the baggage is too much, I believe that bettering ones self as you have described is a therapy for him, to be a better person, through his hatred of what in his opinion "he" did.

But, he does need to come to the conclusion that it was her will and his decision to go with that.. What his Brother thinks when he sees that, will be crossed and possibly he will lose his Brother hopefully for a short time not fully but it's what he has to face and should realise he has to face.

His Brother does not deserve a cheating partner.

His Brother does not deserve his Brother sleeping with his wife.

And, you, do not need to be blinded and see the good in where he is now, possibly based on your support, rather be wide eyed for the future because he did do something that is beyond just cheating. This is your life too, there I agree, you also need Therapy to establish how you really feel deep inside and not sugar coat how he is "now" ... Now does not have to be forever either. It can always divert.

You say he was / is 28, her 15 years older. Don't use the Cougar thought pattern in your mind, it always takes two but a person will always put blame and try to make his partner have pity to blame the other person.

Have a serious think .
0 Replies
 
Mrknowspeople
 
  -2  
Reply Mon 2 May, 2022 11:47 pm
@michellebelle,
michellebelle wrote:

There is no way for me to make this sound good, so here goes.
ended up having sex in the lounge.
Any suggestions?

Yes, an old asian man named Confucius say, "You have sex in lounge, you a ho." so I don't think that helps you. Make better choices and stop playing with the Lemonis fever...it isn't a garden of.
0 Replies
 
Mrknowspeople
 
  0  
Reply Sat 14 May, 2022 09:02 am
@michellebelle,
Not credible. It is a lie. Prove that it happened
0 Replies
 
 

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