Problem teen! Solution: Turf him out?

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I am a female single parent with a male child who will be 19 at the beginning of April. I love him dearly and although I like having him around I also can't wait for him to leave home. This is such a dilemma for me and I feel depressed and guilty.

Getting him to do more than feed himself and put his clothes on is very exhausting. There is only one income coming into this house and to ease the financial burden I made him claim social security. The good thing about him being on the dole is his employment adviser who is helping him get into work. I was having no success in getting him to apply for work. Recently he has had a few days work with a security agency.

Our accommodation is small: we have two bedrooms, one bathroom with toilet, a kitchen and a lounge. His room is very small and this is why he has taken over the lounge. He occasionally fills a plastic bag with rubbish, but usually the rubbish is left on the floor. It is awful. The kitchen is awful also. He has trouble throwing things in the bin. Empty packaging will be left on the side or in the fridge. Peelings etc. are left on the side, on the floor and in the sink. I give myself such a headache getting him to do better.

My brother kindly gave me his dishwasher when he moved in with his girlfriend. This is such a blessing for me. Before, facing the stacks of dirty dishes made me despair. I have shown my son how to use it but he doesn't and his attitude says he has no intention of using it.

I can't afford a washing machine at the moment. I manage by hand washing something on a daily basis and every now and then using my mother's washing machine. Six days ago his trousers got messed up (not the first experience of this) and they have been in the bathroom soaking since then (same as last time). I remind him about them daily. Today I asked him when is he going to wash them, his answer is he doesn't know. I have asked him if he thinks it is fair for me to use the bathroom with that awful smell in there. He doesn't reply.

As I sit here typing this I feel as if I am going to have a breakdown. No matter what I say to him and how I say it I am making no progress. I feel there is only one way to resolve this situation and that is for him to move out.

I haven't said anything to him yet; I don't know how to either. Am I being harsh in wanting him to leave?

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No, you're not. And it's probably to his benefit for you to act now rather than later. See this thread:

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=20901

It sounds like counseling may be in order, at least to help with the transition.

Sorry you are in such a difficult position, and good luck!

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erzulietara--

Welcome to A2K.

You say that your son is 19? Does this mean that he's been a legal adult for more than a year? A legal moocher?

You've put up with a lot--and being a Suffering Single Parent hasn't made you happy or your son independent.

Are jobs available in your area? You say he's on the dole--does he help with household expenses, or is his dole his spending money?

Don't toss him out tomorrow--but sit him down and explain that he can't be a mama's boy forever. Here in the States, The Fourth of July is also known as Independence Day.

Pick a date--it needn't be the 4th of July, but three months is enough time for him to find a job and start accumulating a nest egg to pay the rent and security deposit on his own place.

Meanwhile, assert your independence. You are paying the rent for the lounge--and the bathroom. You have the right to enforce your standards of cleanliness.

Your son is terribly talented at ignoring broad hints. Stop hinting. Act. Pick up all his goods and chattels that are littering your home and your life and chuck them in his bedroom. In your place I'd be very tempted to put his stinkin' wet pants on his pillow. Dripping wet just might make your point.

If he objects, point out that he's lucky his garbage from the kitchen hasn't gone into his bedroom as well.

Yes, you love him. You also have--or should have--too much self respect to live in squalor and wait hand and foot on a lazy lout.

Good luck. Remember, we're here to listen.

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I'd probably sit him down and talk with him. Let him know how hard it's been for you and what you're considering. Suggest that in order for things to work you'll have to work it more like a partnership and less like a Mom/Son arrangement.

Try to let him see you as a person and understand everything that you have to do in a day - then compare it with what he has to do in a day. He may get the picture.

I'm not a believer in "get the kid out as soon as he's 18, 19...whatever" - it won't really make a difference in the end whether he leaves at 19 or 21...

It is important that he's respectful of other people and can take care of himself though. Open the door to non-confrontational conversation and see where that leads...

my two cents...

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I am a 19 year old and what your son is doing is ridiculous. My sister seems to be on the same track and the only way my mom could get her to listen was to tell her that anything left out of her room at a certain time at the end of each night would be thrown on the lawn. than includes undies, books, school stuff... And my mom only had to do it once. Legally your son is an adult. He needs to get his act together. Either get a job or go to school... he needs to contribute to the household in some way. Even if that includes working around the house till he finds a job. it is time for you to be able to handle your own household. It seems like he is walking all over u. I agree with the pants on the pillow thing. sometimes tough love is the only way to get ur point across.

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Doveyluvr has a good idea about the tossing of stuff on the lawn. I'm sure that would be a cure for some things.

I also question whether he might be depressed. Is it possible to get counselling for him, as sozobe suggested?

Rather than asking him when he is going to do something, I would suggest telling him. For instance, his pants in the bathroom. Tell him he can either move them out now or they will end up in the trash can. That sort of thing.

Good luck!!!

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Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate them. After I threatened to throw his trousers in the bin he stomped around a bit and tossed a few items out of the bathroom; but, he started on those trousers. Success, I thought until he put his hat and jacket on.

For some years I have been in an emergency situation; I could only deal with the things needed for our survival. That meant working at any job, no matter what it was and no matter what hours.

Now that I have a m-f that is 9-5, pays a lot better and doesn't leave me feeling like death; I am faced with this new situation of regaining control of my household. It will take a lot of hard work.

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erzulietara--

Yes, giving a 19 year old a crash course in maturity won't be easy.--but it will be rewarding.

What are you doing about those pants? And the rest of the bathroom litter? I'd recommend, his mess, his room.

Then give the bathroom a good scrubbing now that there is nothing in the way.

Sometimes cleaning a bathroom can be a rewarding experience.

Good luck.

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I agree. At 19, he must learn to pull his own weight.

This is the deal he would get with any other roommate: If he pays half the rent/mortgage, then he gets an equal say in the rules. Until he is contributing equally, he has to live by your rules. And I would not hesitate to lay down the law. If you don't want to live in a pigsty, that's your right.

And regardless of whether he is contributing financially or not, he would be expected to clean up after himself anywhere. Despite his actions, he is no longer a child.

Good luck. Growing up is hard. I think you can do this with love, but still be very firm.

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I agree that it is not harsh. I would suggest if you have a trouser or similar problem in the future that you remove the messed clothing and put it in his room. Ahh reading Noddy's response - Noddy says it all. And be specific on what he should pay, dates to move out, changes to be made, etc. and follow through. It will be hard, but you will both be better for it.

The only other thing I can add is I wish you the best. It appears you are on the right track, seeing how you handled the trousers thing and your son's response. I would guess you will get more sulking, but it seems if you are firm he does do what needs to be done, that much is promising.