Was it my fault or I havent had a chance from the beginning?

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I know its kinda long post, but Id really like to hear few opinions so I can get a closure.
I met this girl (22) because shes a friend of my friend's GF. So we hanged out couple of times and she liked me, so she get my number from a friend and start texting me. After a month of texting (she was chasing me all along) we went out on a party and after dancing together we started kissing in a car and holding hands... After that there were more massages (every day) and i took her out on a first date. We hold hands entire time and kissed couple of times when i get her back home. Then she inveted me in cinema (she was all over me entire movie) and we went for a couple of walks together (like a couple – holding hands, kissing,...) and i can tell she was talking about things we willl do in future together so i thought, she really wants to be mine.

After 3 weeks everything started to fell apart. Less and less texting, when went out (alone or friends) she was moody. I fell something is not right. After a month she texted me that she is not sure if she is ready for a sirious relationship (she broke up with a guy 6 months ago, they were together for 3 years). So we talked, and agree we will take things slow but i didnt have any idea whats goin on until i realized she didnt get over her ex (we were at a party where she saw him plus he was drunk and came to her and said something and then left. I didnt see that but friends did). After that she started to avoiding time together so i told her she should just tell me if she doesnt want to see me again. She said she liked me (we even agree to have sexual relationship – she said she wont sleep with other guys even tho we are not in a serious relationship, because Im a cool person and she might want to have something serious with me in a future). I told her i cant be waiting if her ex is a reason we cant have a serious realtionship (i really really liked her and i was not far away to fall in love with her). She said every month (when shes has period) she gets deppresed becouse of him and she wants me to sweep her of her feet so she would never think about him again. So I told her she has time to think about everything (pretty sure that was a mistake) and then tell me what she wants for us (we didnt see each other for 2 weeks beacuse she went abroad). After she came back she told me she cant have a boyfrined right now. She didnt want to fool around and just have sex with me either.
She also has bad relationship history. Her 1st BF cheated on her so they broke up. After 1 month she started dating 2nd BF and after a while she figured out she didt get over her 1st BF so she cheated her 2nd BF with her 1st BF. They stayed together for 3 years, but 2nd BF was not treating her right (cheat her back and neglect her) and she is blaming herself for everything bad he has done in a relationship. They broke up/went back together for few times. now after 6 months since last break up we were together. She also said she will never forgive herself for what she did to her 2nd BF and that she is afraid to make the same mistake with me because she is not over her 2nd BF right now.

So i said we cant see each other anymore becaouse i cant be just friends with her. When i asked her whats the reason she wont be my GF she said she didnt fall in love with me as a main reason besides she didnt get over her ex. Now Im wondering that i didnt do enough (Im 25 and pretty unexperienced. I told her i have never had a serious relationship because I was too busy - college/semi-pro athlete. I think I lost some value in her eyes because i think she saw me as a catch and she also know for few girls they were interested in me from before - small town). I show her affection everytime we were together - holding hands, legs... but there was a date before she told me she is not ready for a relationship, when she has very closed/defensive body language so there were no physical contact entire date. We were kissing (tounge) at the end of the date (something I dont do often so i may be a bad kisser but i dont know. We kissed couple of times everytime we were together) and thats the reason why she didnt fall in love with me. We havent had sex even tho she gave me few subtle hints via texting, but i didnt want to rush it and i wanted to be spontaneous.

I had no idea that she has baggage and everthing wil go upside down. It was totaly unexpected – because she was so into me. Even my friends couldnt believe it (we were hanging around together for a mont with her). Did i made a mistake, do you thing sex would change anything or i havent had a chance with her from beginnning because of her ex? Im not beating myslef up becaouse of sex alone but because of a possible relationship we could have if i were more agressive towards that direction.

I also found out from a friend of her ex, that she texted him the following days after she saw him at a party. So have i ever had a chance to change how everything unfolds? Maybe she just dont like me that much?
I know thats the end but I d like to know if a ball was ever on my court - did i mess up? or i have never had a chance.

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@ippn1,

Don't beat yourself up about what's happened. She's still totally into her ex, so whatever you do, you'd always be second best. Stay friends with her, if you must, but my advice would be to find another girl who isn't carrying a whole load of baggage.

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@ippn1,

Quote:

I d like to know if a ball was ever on my court - did i mess up? or i have never had a chance.

No, you didn't mess up, she just wasn't ready to get involved with someone just yet because of her feelings about her ex-boyfriend and that relationship.

The ball seemed to be in your court, but then it took an unexpected bad bounce, which was beyond your control, and it went out of bounds.

It sounds like she does like you, and she was trying to let herself have feelings for you, and trying to move on from her past relationship, but, particularly when she saw her ex at that party, her "baggage" re-surfaced and interfered with her developing relationship with you.

Be glad she was honest with you about her feelings and didn't try to string you along. And it sounds like you enjoyed the time you spent with her, so you don't have to regret that. The timing just wasn't right for the relationship to go any further right now. Just chalk it up to experience, and stop questioning whether you did anything wrong.

Keep looking, and dating, you'll find someone who is wholeheartedly ready to have a relationship with you.

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@firefly,

Thanks for opinions. There are plenty of people who told me I made a huge mistake because we havent had sex. They say sex would make her attached and she would forget other dude easier. Im still confused, guess we will never know...

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@ippn1,

If she really cared for the other guy, but had sex with you, you'd be playing second best to the him - he'd have been an ever-present third party in your relationship. Sex isn't something that should be used as a trap or a lure or a tie. You keep asking your friends for their advice - think for yourself for a change.

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This girl clearly is not available. Whatever it is - ex boyfriend, her period, her past - she is just not ready.

Be glad you found out. Most girls are not as you describe her.

Move on. She sounds immature and needy.

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@ippn1,

Quote:

There are plenty of people who told me I made a huge mistake because we havent had sex. They say sex would make her attached and she would forget other dude easier.

No, sex would not have made her more attached to you and given her amnesia for her past. She wasn't emotionally available for a relationship with you, she had too many unresolved issues she still had to sort out from her previous relationships.

Look, this young woman has a lot she has to work out and sort out in her own mind before she can become involved with anyone new--and she knows that. Just accept it. You came into her life when she really wasn't ready for a new boyfriend, and she clearly let you know that, so stop being so "confused"--it had little to do with you, or what you did or didn't do, she had issues of her own--her "baggage"--that she needs time to work out.

So you didn't sweep this one off her feet, and make her forget every other man before you. That's life. Stop second-guessing yourself over this one, and go look for one who's really ready to get involved with you.

1 Reply

@firefly,

Well tnx for your thoughts. However what also bothers me is my inexperience - we were on a 6 dates alone plus some dates with friends , but I have never made a move on her (sexually). Friends tease me like ftw i was thinking (they all having sex 2nd, 3rd date), some even said i friendzoned her :-\ so i was not considered a BF material. They say sex likely wouldnt change the outcome, but there is a chance it would. Next time I ll try to have sex ASAP. At least I ll get laid.

After the last date she told me she likes how I didnt make sex the priority and that I showed her that Id really like to know her as a person. But on the other hand, she said that the whole thing drives her crazy and she often thinks about having a sex during dates.

Oh well, time to let go...

1 Reply

@ippn1,

Quote:

. Next time I ll try to have sex ASAP. At least I ll get laid.

Better luck next time, ippn1. I wish you well. You sound like a nice guy. I'm sure there's a lovely young woman out there who's waiting for someone like you to show up in her life. You'll find her, keep looking. And the search will help you gain more experience.

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@firefly,

I want to share with you guys about what happened.

After 1st month of NC, she came to the same party as me and my friends, because we have 1 mutual friend (my friend's gf). I said hi and ignored her for the night even tho she was in our circle whole time. Next day she texted me that she wish me good luck for upcoming operation I had (ankle) in next week.

Another month went by and i went to another party. Same scenario plus we sat at the same table whole night. It was obvious she felt uncomfortable from her body language. She was trying to talk to me the whole time but i ignored her as much as i could. When we got drunk, she was following me whenever i went to the bar or toilet. Finally she came to me and apologized because she hurt my feelings. She told me she had feelings for me and felt really nice when we were dating but she felt guilt about moving on and she decided to try get back with her ex. She told me that was stupid, she was talking about how she have realized he wasnt good to her and was not the right bf, and that she finally see, that there were more bad then good moments in her relationship.

So I gave us another chance. i told her I want to take things extremely slow because i dont want to get hurt again. We went on a date. It was a nice date - I almost forgot about all the hurt i experienced because of her. So at the end, i went for one goodnight kiss but it ended as makeout. She tongued kissed me for couple of times and then said that was not 'taking it slow' and smiled.

Next 2 days i havent got any text from her. I didnt send it either. So i texted her 3rd day since we were on a date (we were hanging and playing games at my friends house) and invite her to come over. She said she is sick and will not come. When i suggest another date the next week, she said she will let me know about it on monday because she will know her schedule by then. Today is tuesday and i still havent heard from her. I also saw she liked ex's brother (mutual friend on FB) photo on FB (her ex and his brother was on it). I felt hurt again and i honestly think she is just f.ucki.ing with me...

what now?

1 Reply

@ippn1,

She's horny but doesn't want to cross the line, still in love with her ex, hence the message on FB to her ex's brother.

Leave well alone... Baggage is way to big ...

1 Reply

@FOUND SOUL,

She texted me the next day she is busy because of her new apprenticeship and she has to go to bed early and she will not be able to go for a drink for the rest of the week, but she suggested a date next week. I didnt replied because it felt like a flake. I think if she wanted to see me, she would.
Next week i didnt get any massage from her, but when I was in a pub with her drunk best friend, she told me how she said i screwed up because i called her out no her ex and that i should never do that. She also said if i was better then her ex and gave her what she needed (I guess sex) she would forget about him and her ex was never a factor. They are both also convinced im in love with her and she said i shouldnt be so available and should play games before we would be exclusive... Then she said she has now 'someone who fucks her' in some town she has her apprenticeship in.
So i left her alone for 14 days, never sent anything to her, but 2 days ago we saw each other in a pub. She came there with some guy and some other guys joined them after a while. I felt like **** again. When we were living they were standing beside entrance so i had to pass them by. She turned her head in different direction when she saw me coming near. I wanted to say hi, but i didnt because of that. Then after half an hour she texted me, how she doesnt understand my games and she thinks that it was a total bullsh.it.
I replied she is no longer the one im interested in and she is the one whos playing games. I told her that just a pretty face is not enough for me to fall in love with a girl and that i ll no longer intend to be her ego booster.
Then i blocked her on FB, deleted all the massages and her number.

Feels bad man... Sad

:-\

1 Reply

@ippn1,

Find other pubs to go to and really cut off all contact.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Tnx for replies. I think I should be glad we havent had sex, because it would happen in a time everything was great when we were together and i already saw her as my girl. If we had sex back then im sure id be destroyed right now because that would be the first time i would have sex with someone i have strong emotions for. I think its a good thing i wasnt more aggresive. I dont know why there are moments i felt it might change the whole thing if we make love to each other. Probably because she mentioned when she apologized that if we have had sex she would fall in love with me and that she only have sex if there are emotions involved (then why her best friend told me she has someone who f.uck.s her now?)...
Also tell me, is this true that you have to play games with females before she asked you to be exclusive? Her best friend told me so and that she can tell im inexperienced for thinking otherwise. She also said i made huge mistake (turned her off) because i told her too much too soon. After 5 weeks of dating and seeing each other 2 times a week plus hanging out with me and friends, i called her out on her ex and told her that i cant be 'in line' if he is the reason she cant have relationship with me. Then i told her i really liked her and she is also great girl and it would be a shame if she chooses past over future. Are those games really important when it is obvious that you are attracted to one another??

1 Reply

@ippn1,

ippn

Not all girls like games. And, I think the dates you went on were great and what you did was great. She was attracted to you, kissed you, became more attracted to you, wanted you, waited for you to lead but that didn't happen which made her more keen.

But........................ the only thing that went wrong is there is an ex. Simply put. Yes, I believe when women sleep with a man, there is an instant type of bond, emotionally. Doesn't seem to be the same with most men but I think she is kidding herself that if she had slept with you, she would have become emotionally attached and forgotten her boyfriend. Because, if that was the case, she would have tried to sleep with you. She didn't "try" because she wanted to save herself still for her ex-boyfriend emotionally.

The guy she is sleeping with, she "thought" no one would find out about, it's just sex but her friend has a big mouth and has told you, probably a few others so it's sure to get back to her ex. She is just getting sex, nothing more, no emotions.

Always be yourself . Apparently, girls like bad guys that give them a hard time, don't call, make them wonder if they like them.. But, eventually, they get sick of being used. That is what your friends are telling you to do, be that way, end up in bed if it doesn't work out bad luck you got laid...

Is that fair one the woman? Smile

Especially, the one that really likes you but you decide you don't like her ?

Just be yourself.... and anyone you choose to hang out with and get to know, just be sure there is no ex.. No baggage. They are ready to move on...

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Was it my fault or I havent had a chance from the beginning?

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