I'm scared to get better

Forums: Mental Health, Depression, Suicide
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Sometimes I wake up, lay in bed and just think I want to die then spend the next couple of hours thinking about how to do so. Sometimes I wake up and feel a little hope. And sometimes I wake up and I can’t help but think of last nights nightmare. My dreams are so uncomfortable and horribly vivid. They’re so vivid that I think about my dreams through out the whole day because they’re so uncomfortably real that I feel like it happened… Anyways throughout the whole day I’m just an emotional roller coaster I’m fine, I’m sad, I’m crazy, I’m hopeful (this is rare), I’m sane, I’m insane, I’m nothing, and I feel nothing. The times I feel happy or hope I get scared. I’m scared of getting too happy then falling back down into my deep depression. It’s false hope that I’m setting up for myself. I recently left college after my first semester because I couldn’t cope with my depression. Everyone tells me that I need to get mentally better before I make decisions, but I can’t help but think about my future and what I’m going to do next. My mind is constantly running and thinking. Even when I have nothing to think about I realize that a song is playing in my head. I inevitably think about going back to college and even research some new colleges to attend, but then I just get so scared all of a sudden and I feel pathetic and bad for myself. I then flashback to the person I was earlier this year. I was excited for college, my depression was controllable, and I was on the right track, everything was fine! I just want to be that person again. How did I end up like this? How did I change myself without my consent, without my knowledge? I had my life in control and now I have no control. I was certain about my future and now I have no certainty at all. So this is why I’m scared to feel happy. I’m scared to get better because I know that my depression will come back. I don’t want to stay on this roller coaster. I want to get off. I NEED to get off. For my sanity. I beg God to push me off of this roller coaster. I’ve been fighting so hard to control my depression and I’ve had my successes and failures. But I don’t want to keep fighting. I don’t want to try anymore. I feel like I cant. I’m currently on three anti-depressants and I can feel them working. I can feel parts of me dying because of the medication I’m on. I don’t want them to work, I don’t want to get better because I just don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t cry anymore, I can’t feel my emotions flow out of me through my tears. I loved crying, I loved releasing my sadness and I can’t anymore. I feel INSANE. I feel like somethings wrong in my body. Why can’t I cry? I feel sad all the time, but I don’t know why. I feel stuck in this world. I feel stuck in my mind and body. I want to break out and be free. Aren’t people supposed to love life? Aren’t people supposed to want to live? I don’t want to live another day. I just want everything to end so I can finally be free.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 4 • Views: 1,256 • Replies: 6

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@mes1234,

Mes without revealing anything critical to your ID you might reveal something else about yourself; eg, sex, nationality, family, aims, activities, motives, etc; whether you might have a guess as to its cause; and what attracts you to a2k where you're as likely to be attacked as helped

(1) Psychiatry might work but it's very expensive. Confiding in a close friend whom you trust

(2) Sometimes it's purely a chemical matter: Some tiny substance, its source forever a mystery, circulating to your brain through your bloodstream. An ordinary MD might be able to suggest a substance which could counter its effect

(3) On the basis of (2) above, when all else fails: Taking extreme care not to overdose, experiment with various over-the-counter substances. When I get moody I take a combo of St John's wort, kava kava, 5-HTP, and ginseng

(4) In any case don't despair: With age and experience you might clear up

Perfectly serious, happy to chat, I am [email protected]

PS: Many of us won't read such a long, drawn-out posting. Condense, organize, paragraph for new OP

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How long have you been taking these medications? It takes two weeks for some of them to really make a difference.

In the meantime, join a therapy group and find out how others are dealing with the same situation.

Exercise helps, too. Are you at least walking every day?

This is going to take WORK. If you stay in bed all day, nothing will happen.

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@PUNKEY,

Quote:

…….two weeks for some of them to really make a difference.

OTC nostrums typically 1-1/2 hrs

Quote:

In the meantime, join a therapy group….

…..unless you'd have to drive a long way

Quote:

Exercise helps, too. Are you at least walking every day?

Good'n Punk

Quote:

This is going to take WORK. If you stay in bed all day, nothing will happen.

On the other hand maybe you're not getting enough sleep

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@mes1234,

Life has been hard for me too, and I think I know how you feel. There were times when I would daydream about ways to bring my pain to an end, but I don't do that anymore.
For me accepting my situation and choosing to change some things have brought me out of that way of thinking. We can choose to rise above our situations and live to help others who need us. If you are alive and able to communicate there are people who need you.
The question is will we offer bitterness or hope? We are living in a world filled with people who need hope, and when we are so broken we don't have much hope to give. Perhaps when you rise above this you will look back and say even this worked out to be a good thing.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, but I can tell you that with time things do get better. Choosing to look out from my own misery and offering to do what I can to help others has giving me the strength to get through some dark times. I pray that you will find strength. My prayers are with you.

I'm scared to get better

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