I just want to feel happiness

I’m in constant emotional and mental pain. But this pain is caused by myself, my mind is just not right. I’ve been depressed ever since I could understand what the word meant. I was born in Indonesia but moved to the states when I was four to go to school here. My whole life I had to deal with culture differences. I’ve tried to commit suicide in 8th grade, but in reality I knew it wasn’t going to work, it was a cry for help. I’ve been on anti-depressants for many years, but they haven’t seem to be working. Earlier in the year I was going to a nice private college in New York but I had to leave school because of my depression and anxiety. I was smoking weed every day and maybe that was why my depression got out of control, I really don’t know.

Anyways, I just have no will to live. I just don’t want to feel anything anymore, why do I have to suffer through this pain? Don’t I control my life? Don’t I have the decision to end it all? I just feel uncomfortable throughout the whole day. I don’t have a job, I don’t have school anymore, I have no worries and no stress so why am I in constant mental pain? It just doesn’t make sense why someone has to go through this. The only reason why I haven’t commit suicide is because I’m too scared of the pain. I’m not afraid to die and I know that if I do die it will hurt those around me but I just can’t stand this anymore. I know my family will cry for days and be hurt with what I had done, but they will move on. The truth is I’ve always been too nice to people, I always care about everyone else except myself. Because of this I’ve made many fake friends that simply don’t care about me.. I mean I’m sure some do, but none of them have really kept in contact with me. I’ve been used and taken advantage of many of my friends. I’ve always put friends in front of family. I’ve always tried to make my friends family. The reason for this is because I feel uncomfortable with my family. I know they care about me, but they don’t understand what I’m going through and none of us really communicate well with one another. That is why I feel so alone in this world. I just want to die and I don’t understand what is so wrong about that.

I feel like I have this tape in my head that’s on repeat that contains every single horrible and uncomfortable memory. I’ve remembered all my bad memories and I feel like I’ve lost most of my happy memories. I’ve changed as a person. I used to be confident, strong, and outgoing and now I’m too anxious and I’m afraid of a lot of things and I don’t have the motivation to do anything. Literally all I do is sit on the couch and watch tv ALL day long. I’m currently waiting to get into a program at the nearest loony bin to seek treatment. I’m am just so desperate to feel better and I just can not wait. I seriously can’t wait that is why I just want to die.

I can’t cope with how I feel because nothing makes me feel better. Nothing really makes me happy and I’m scared knowing that the things I loved doing don’t make me feel good anymore. I’ve purged and I’ve cut but nothing makes a difference. I need some serious help.