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Fri 22 Mar, 2013 09:09 pm
Ok, so I have a question. First of all, let me say that though I have had many relationships with women, and had no actual sex with a man.. I consider myself bisexual, with a tendency (recently) to lean towards men.
My problems doesnt have anything to do with my orientation, but infact a situation. For 2 years now I have lived with this guy, my roomate. We have always been the best of friends since.. and have always been very close. I discovered some time ago that I thought he was cute.. but nothing more than the occasional thought. Infact the odd thing for me was.. that my friend would often try to cock-block me when i was dating a woman.. and would often find reasons to fight with me.
For months it got worse.. we where both single and meeting the same women, who all tended to gravitate towards me. However when one of them really caught my eye. We got into a huge fight over a girl and i dont want to talk details.. but I got the worse of it.
However that night, he and I slept in the same bed and through the night we hugged.. without anything sexual. The next night, we where still trying to work out our problem.. and I tried to fall asleep. He turned his back on me and I spooned him and.. I got very aroused, to the point that I had to un spoon him because I need to unlodge my junk from his bum. After all, I didnt want him to know how I felt.
However, a couple of minutes later he turned around and.. began to embrace me. It wasnt a hug, but an embrace. He nudged his head towards mine and slowly caressed my arm and chest. He was well awake.. and I responded by doing the same thing, as well as stroking his hair. We stayed like this for hours until the sun came up. When it came time to get up.. he didnt want to get up, he just wished "too cuddle more". His words.
The next day (we where still working on our big problem) we talked about a lot.. we hugged and he said, that he was glad we could still be friends, but that we didnt think we should do what we did the night before.. because he felt "weird". I asked him if he liked doing what he did.. he replied "yes". So i told him not to worry about it, we where just showing our repressed fealings after having been through a lot of trouble.
So since then.. we have had a weird relationship, not sexual or overtly gay. But even more close and emotional. The problem is that now he is a dating a girl, and I believe he is crazy about her.. but he's still SOO close to me, that it affects me too much.
Every night, he needs us to hug.. (mind you my friend is very cold with people, he does not hug anyone else). He does so late at night, normally after we are both stripped to our underwear. But that isnt such a big deal, but if it doesnt happen one night, he's tense the next day thinking im mad at something.
When we are alone, he comes into my room my bed, and he lies with me watching videos very closely.. we often tend just to be in our underware, and more close than is expected "normal". When we sit together on my bed I will often put my arm around him, or graze his legs or butt. Putting my hand behind him, and he does not care or react. Things I guess a straight guy would say.. "hey dont touch my butt" or "skoot away because of the contact".
This also happens, when we often watch movies.. often my hand will be next to his butt, or grazing it, while we watch something.. often my hand will rest on his thigh under this big cover with both put over each other when we watch movies. Often so close, it could be said we are cuddling.
And often other things like, playing around or having contact with each other awkwardly happens. (most of it in our underwear, while cleaning house and such.)
The thing is.. aside from all of that, and one time.. when really, really we kinda touched each other (not counting, because none of us can say or have said anything about that).. We have not done anything that forces me to say, he likes me in that way.
I know he loves me as a great friend, I do too. We often say that, but I also believe there is something there.. and always has been. Some tension between us that still lingers, and is responsible for us being so emotionally attached to one an another.
But, now that he has a girl friend.. and I know he likes her a lot, and has sex with her, I dont know what to make of him. It's like he is curious about it.. but is only willing to go so far, but whenever I pull away from him giving him more alone time with his gf... he either gets upset at me for ignoring him, or.. just plain out seeks me out.. sad that Ive not spent time with him.
SO.. I am confused.. and Im guessing he is too. What do you guys make out of this?
If you can touch him, you can ask him.
@Ceili,
The thing is, I am not openly Bisexual.. nor am I ready to speak about these things without being sure of reciprocal feelings. I know he feels a great deal about me, I just don't know if its curious sexuality as well.
He is in a relationship, and I believe he would never cheat... however he might believe that because it's me, it wouldn't be cheating. Or if its something this secret... then it wouldn't count.
What im wondering is.. from what i've told you, does it strike you that he might be bicurious? or secretly bisexual like me?
HE thinks he's cuddling. YOU think it's a prelude to having a sexual relationship with him. Very confusing. You two really need to talk about it because YOU seem confused, he doesn't - he's having lots of sex with a female.
BTW - does he have older sisters or other siblings who cuddled with him as a youngster? You may be just a retro-substitute for that.
John Mcavenue - just ask him to suck your cock. You'll either get a busted nose and a requirement for a new room mate, or else a BJ. At least you'll know.
@johnmcavenue,
I think you might be similar and that it could be good to talk, as sans expectations as you could make it. That probably seems like a NO now, but you might wish you had sometime in the future, as this is a person who could understand.
On the other hand, things could go south, even trying to talk about it, with one or both of you getting defensive and then an obvious problem re staying roommates. But I think you're there already, might as well talk.
@johnmcavenue,
The rule of thumb is, your best friend and most in your common circle of friends should be off limits, especially the roommate. What happens if it doesn't work out as you planned, things go south quickly, and you have to stay with him till the lease is over. Very bad idea to begin with.
@ossobuco,
As I had said before I have not had sex with a man before, so I do not think that cuddling is a necessarily prelude to sex. But you have to admit that if we are under covers on the couch and his hand is "innocently" on my thigh and mine on his.. or he is sitting on my hand, then that is sexual.
Everytime thats been the case with woman i've been its always sexual.
He does have several young sibblings, however he is not at physical with any of them or.. with anyone else for that matter. When I met him he was very physically reserved with me.. but now it's the complete opposite. He is even physically reserved with his girl friend when he's infront of me.. he will not kiss her or be openly affectionate with her while im around.
Now, there is something else that makes me believe he is well aware of the behavior.. we have a third roomate. When we are alone he will engage with me this way, but when we are in the presence of my third roomate he will be discrete.
Granted.. so would I.
The thing that is confusing is as follows.. I do still have sex with women, casual sex.. he has his girl friend (who he is often frustrated with "sexually" so he told me) but he still is in to her very much.
I try and make sure we are just friends.. like we have always been, but even when i make the distance to just be friends.. he is always there looking for me. It's like he curious and wont go the next step.. the thing is.. im curious but im not sure i'd go the extra step unless he did.
@johnmcavenue,
I urge you to take the long view. Your room mate sounds conflicted, it's possible he might be bisexual, but it doesn't sound like he wants to be open about it. As it stands now, you have a room mate who has been physically violent, even if you engage violently back, that's unhealthy, and is a serious lack of control. He doesn't want women to think he is bi, you aren't ready to be openly bi, and while all this is confusing for you, the women you both dabble with are clueless.
I agree that he is probably bi, but there could be many reasons why he holds back and those reasons must be compelling for him. Please don't force him to take a step or make a public announcement for you. It's not even clear if you are interested in a long term exclusive commitment to him.....and impossible for me to know what he has in mind.
Intimacy between people is private, perhaps he wants it to stay that way. If you misjudge his intentions and force the issue, it won't end well. Hopefully the 2 of you can discuss this matter, but if he is uncomfortable it would be wise to step back and distance yourself.
@glitterbag,
Hey Glitterbag,
I am taking the long view, from now on at least. The truth is, that I am coming to understand where he's at right now. You see for me, i've already accepted to myself that I am curious about other men. But there was a time in my life, when i was begining to realize these things.. that I would not admit them to anyone. Much less myself, and its something ive accepted very privately.. and told no one about.
I believe he's just as curious as I was once, and perhaps im the person who drags it out of him.. like it happened to me a couple of years ago. I did not want a public declaration from him, infact.. I dont know what I expected. And I have to accept that despite his inclination towards me.. it's not the time or place for me to experiment.
You see, so you understand the picture.. I am not a dainty guy, I am his senior by a couple of years and I am bigger, stronger and often more intimidating (we are both 6footers - except he's 150 and im 180). (but we have never been violent to each other, aside from the occasional rough-housing). And thats just playing.
The thing is, we really do care for each other. It's frustrating for me, because our friendship now veers into something more of relationship like "fights about things, that would only offend your partner" kinda thing. And it is often emotionally draining. Imagine, having your best friend, girlfriend rolled up into one package... and then try to deal with the maintenance without the physical gratification that comes with a relationship.. and the early sexual frustration and anticipation of a relationship that might occur.
Fairly recently we both got drunk, and fell asleep together on our couch.. I awoke middle of the night, with his hand in my "lap" touching me. To which I responded to, by doing the same.. though this was done under the "im drunk and dreaming" mentality (plausible denial). The touching was "sexual" in nature.. but nothing more than "curious" as it did not lead to anything more than that. He is not ready, though I might be.
I agree that intimacy is private.. and I often think sexuality that way, because its different for everyone. I have had my experiences with him, and I would not tell a soul. But I posted here.. because I dont have anywhere to turn to, for curious questions, and its good to see some of these answers.. help me get perspective on things.
@johnmcavenue,
my feel is tat he likes you but is not read for anything.
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