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Wed 20 Mar, 2013 06:04 am
well here goes nothing. over the past 2 years i have started to notice some things that are raising red flags.
i have suspected my misses of cheating on me for far longer than this though.
she works as a cottage lead at a memory care facility so a meeting once a month is not unusual that has always been the norm.
recently though, she has been having meetings during the middle of the month and she seems to have one just about every weekend she off.
her place of work decided to start a behavioral unit, or so she says, i haven't verified this through any other co workers,,,,yet. the meetings for this behavioral unt was voluntary for all cna's except her, they were mandatory for her. some of those behavioral meetings took just a single hour others took 2-4 hours and she had one that was an all day deal.
i know my GF well and i know how she hits me in the 6th sense sort of way, just something that becomes after living with someone for 13+ years. women can relate really well to this, most men , not so good aT IT.
her daughter, my step daughter, made arrangements to sit a friends dog while she was on vacation. whne it came time for S/D t return the dog they went to the friends work. timing is important, theres a reason i say this. so the S/D asks mom to go with her to drop the dog off, not a problem.
they leave the house at 9:30A and it's a 30-45 minute drive to the friends work, they say they were there for about 30 minutes. you ever hear of someone dropping off a dog at someone's place of employment? during that day they supposedly went driving around,,,, for 7 1/2 hours, my GF has been in an accident that really messed her up, 5 broken vertabrae in the lower back and 2 in the neck, ruptured diaphrahgm and 25 broken ribs wit only 2 of them not broken. she took a hit to the kill spot, fractured the skull in that area. you know just below and behind the ear.
during this drive i got a gut punch at about 2:30 in the afternoon. when she got back home she did her best to avoid me, no eye contact, didn't want to speak to me. every time i've gotten a gut punch from her it has never been a good thing. we had seperated for about a year near the end of that she had done some legal stuff and each time she gave me a gut punch, just not as hard as the one i got on the dog day.
then theres the lies, about how much she got back on taxes and the things she bought. she told me 1900 is what she got back , how much she really got back was over 5K, she told me this later.she had bought her and her daughter a zippo lighter, but she says the daughter bought them. granted not a big issue and i could care less either way. her reason fro the lie , so we would have enough to afford a car. i already knew that there was no need to lie to me on that.
back to her work. now that the behavior5al meetings are done she now has all of a sudden become the super over all of the leads, which means she has to go in on her day off and train any cottage lead that might need help or is new to the position. something she will be doing today. it just seems to me that she is having to many work related things that are going on where she doesn't have to clock in such as meetings every weekend she is off. this trainigng she is to do today is on the clock.
over the last 2 years she has treated me more as an incovienence rather than her SO. i feel as if i'm nothing more than bed warmer.
i have been trying some new things and each one is getting shot down with rejection. most recently i tried sexting her at work. the first ime she chewed my butt about it, the second and third times i got no response and she stated she doesn't want this to occur any more, just not in so many words. so i won't try anything new again thats for sure.
so am i just going nuts for no reason or is there something there?
You are all over the place with this, and are seeing a conspiracy under every bush.
That doesn't mean there isn't something going on, but from this side of things, you just seem to be bothered by everything.
Assuming she really is a supervisor at work, there are any number of reasons to go in on odd days - people in charge are often tasked with all sorts of extra work (it's a part of why they're paid more).
If it bothers you so much, why not drop in on her place of employment? She's going there on the weekends, and I take it you don't work then. So go - with a big smile on your face and perhaps even a small bouquet of flowers and take her to lunch.
If there is nothing going on, then you had a nice lunch, and your lady got flowers and it's all very sweet. And tell her that you're proud of her for taking on more responsibility - new duties at work, in particular becoming a supervisor for the very first time - can be rather frustrating. She'll appreciate knowing that you are in her corner.
If there is something going on, then you'll know, and you'll just be out the cost of a small bouquet.
As for what happened with her stepdaughter, there are any number of reasons (BTW, some people are allowed to take their dogs to work, or maybe the dog owner was taking the dog home right afterwards - this is a red herring and you are being jealous and overthinking it) for them to be driving around that have nothing to do with you and your relationship. The step daughter might be upset about something, and want to talk things out privately. Or whatever. I think it's counterproductive for you to fixate on her time with her child - don't be suspicious of that.
A lot more troubling is the money thing. But if you keep separate accounts, recognize that you are not going to be privy to everything that she makes. Do you file your taxes jointly or separately? If jointly, then you will need to know her income in order to prepare her half of the taxes - and you should know the contents of your returns before you sign them, even if you did not prepare them. If you file separately then, well, you have fewer reasons for knowing, but there's no law that says you can't ask - "Honey, when you got promoted, did they give you a raise?" And if they did, the proper response is, "Let's go out and celebrate your raise." And if they didn't, then commiserate with her about having extra work but no extra pay.
And if she is lying about all of it, then that is another lie you have caught her in.
But do try a friendly route first. I think a lot of people go to DefCon 5 really quickly, when they are concerned about their marriages, and they ignore the fact that they are married to someone and should be able to at least attempt communications with them. Try that first, okay?
@jespah,
the fact she has lied to me about the finances, something she has never done before to my knowledge, does lead one to see, as you say, conspiracy under every bush we keep seperate accounts but she has never hesitated to show me the bills and income. same here, i have no reason to. how would that benefit the relationship or the house hold, is my line of thought?
also note, i'm sorry for the info being all scattered like that and thank you for your input, i'm reasonably sure some of it if not most of it, is just what she says it is , but there is the lie factor and you just don't get gut punched by your 6th sense for no reason, all moms know this, as do most dadsit's just certain things are not fitting with the rest of the puzzle is all.
to be honest with you, i don't care if she is having an affair, just let me know who he is , where he lives, and what you 2 will be doing( social wise, i can figure the private out), so i'm not going what was she doing here when i have to go running to the hospital because she was in an accident. especially when i drop her off at work and come home with the only transportation we have. see what i mean?
@lug mauler,
It's not even necessarily an affair - this is also the behavior of people with addiction problems, such as excessive gambling.
I do urge you to talk to her -
is everything all right? That's four easy words, yes?
Ask.
And you will get -
* a lie - okay, well, that sucks but at least it's helpful. If she can't trust you enough to tell you, then things are likely to be over
* a confession of an affair - awful but at least you know, and can take whatever action you deem necessary
* confession of an addiction, a gambling problem or some other issue - awful but you know and can take action as you will
* information on a problem not with her, but perhaps with your stepdaughter - again, unpleasant but you'll know and can take action
* something else - although in all honesty I'm not sure what else there is
Of course, you don't necessarily know you're being lied to while it's happening. But opening up the line of communication has got a potential for a positive result or at least a productive one, and it won't hurt you to do so. Before writing her off and resigning yourself to your fate, can't you muster up four little words and ask her that question?
@jespah,
i like your reply. thanks for the help.
Has she been promoted? You say this is a new department for work. Perhaps she has to set it up. This is like starting up a new business and takes lots of time.
In any case, you and she are NOT communicating. You need to sit down with her and do a "State of the Union. " After this long, you deserve to know what's up. I really think that either her daughter is taking more of her time/money or you two are going thru the '14 year itch' - quite common for relationships.
Take her away for an overnight stay and do some pillow talk.
PS - Are you working, What do you do? You seem to have a lot of time to focus on her.
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