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Should my daughter visit her mother in jail?

 
 
1924
 
Reply Tue 5 Mar, 2013 08:33 pm
her mother is going to jail for one year for forgery related charges. I am wondering if I should take me 14 year old daughter to visit her but I am not sure if I want her to be in that kind of environment

it has nothing really to do with the mother. She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions, She also never did anything bad at all before this. Also, her mother is showing regret and no defense at what she did and has admitted to being a bad influence to her daughter so that is why I am still willing to stick by her. And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment or anything either, it is really only the type of environment. Also, if I take her to visit she might think "mom went to jail, she has no right to tell me what to do anymore" .Which would just be a stressful thing. I even heard her express a kind of joy at her mother being locked up and having to take orders from other people. While that is understandable since she did commit a crime, since her mother has shown remorse for what she did and clearly still cares for her daughter, I think eventually it needs to be put behind us. If I do decide to take her what should I say to her beforehand?

also, what should we use the time we have for visiting to talk about so maybe it can be a positive type of experience?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 7 • Views: 1,366 • Replies: 6
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boomerang
 
  2  
Reply Tue 5 Mar, 2013 09:34 pm
@1924,
What does your daughter have to say about it? Does she want to visit?
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Wed 6 Mar, 2013 08:23 am
@1924,
I think it depends on what kind of relationship the two of them had before this "incident." If it was good, then yes, take the child to see the mother. No sense in seeing both of them suffer.

If the relationship was strained (more than just 14 year old angst) then leave it up to the child only. The child's feelings shouldn't be sacrificed for the wellbeing of this adult who should not use the child to nurture herself. In fact, it may be in the best interest of the child to keep the adult away from her.

More details are needed. In the meantime, be sure to let the social worker at school know what's going on and get that person's input.
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tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Mar, 2013 08:35 am
@1924,
If your daughter wants to go, then let her go. She's apparently old enough. However, if she doesn't want to go then don't force her to go. She probably has some internal issues and feelings she has to work out regarding her mother.
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96daviesa4
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 Apr, 2013 03:53 am
@boomerang,
In my personal opinion, I believe that your daughter should be allowed to visit her mother.
Before you make a decision, I think you should talk to your daughter and find out how she feels: could she cope with seeing her mum in prison - you should perhaps ask her mother how she feels too about the possibility of a visit.
I don't know how long her mum will be in prison: if it is for an extended period of time, I don't think that her mother would cope with not seeing her daughter for that long.
If they don't see each other, things might be difficult for them when her mum comes home: it might cause family issues. Your daughter may feel a distance between them as her mum will have missed out on events that have happened to your daughter whilst her mum was in prison.
Sometimes it is hard to talk to someone about things that are important to you, unless you can do it face to face.
According to research in America (Ross D Parke: University of California): seperation will cause distress and depression for both parent and child.
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FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 Apr, 2013 04:14 am
@1924,
Environment.

Is your daughter mature? Mine is and was from 11. She knows right from wrong but she also knows love.

Taking 12 months away from seeing her Mother, her Mother seeing her daughter is that something you are prepared to do?

Your "wife" is showing remorse you can express to your daughter "why" she commited forgery I am sure you know what the reason was.. To live? To survive? Feeling down about her life, wanting more for her child, thinking they could have a better life, she could and give more to her child?

This is what you need to establish and discuss with your daughter... Or that she was lost , for that moment.

People make mistakes throughout there life, all their life really how many have you made? Some that were illegal ? Drinking / driving, texting, something? It happens...

Discuss this with your daughter, her Mother is her Mother you already know the answer as you are defending her, here in this thread.. It was an error..

Don't look at the environment rather the reason, outcome, and love.
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maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 Apr, 2013 04:49 am
@1924,
I would absolutely bring my daughter to visit her mother. I don't see any benefit from keeping her away. You risk doing harm by keeping her away.

Relationships are important. This includes a relationship between a daughter and her mother. Just based on this, I think you should take your daughter to visit mother. I would feel strongly about this even if the other things you say (i.e. remorse) weren't true. If you don't take your daughter to visit, you are taking something away from here.

The daughter is 14. She is old enough to understand what is going on.

You should let daughter and mother have time without you. There is no need for you to be in the middle of this relationship. Don't forget then when mom gets out they will continue to have a mother-daughter relationship and there is no reason to protect your daughter from the truth (which is after all not a particularly violent crime). You have no right, or need, to try to manage this relationship.

I would ask my daughter about her feelings, just to make sure she understood what she needed to understand about the situation. Then I would let my daughter and her mother work it out there.

I feel very strongly that keeping your daughter away is a very bad thing (unless there is some really good reason). Think about what you are teaching her. The world is filled with imperfect people. If we abandon anyone who makes mistakes, we will all be very lonely indeed.


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