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Did I do the right thing.....??

 
 
Reply Tue 5 Mar, 2013 12:30 am
my gf is a really really nice person..and she always helps others..but her ex cheated on her and she forgave him only like half..not fully but stayed friends with him...for 2 years she tried to change him and i've been with her...for 6 months now....and he made her upset and cry all the time they spoke.....and one day they stopped speaking but recently they started again.... during the time he wasn't around the relationship was better...and I didn't have to see my gf suffer....well he came back and started making her feel sorry for him again so she would help him with stuff...take up her time...and make her upset again...I told her this...and she doesn't see it...she said my problem if I get upset by him not yours....I said why do you speak to him and we argued..she said because he has no friends and has family problems....I need to help and be there for him....I was like but he's gonna hurt you again and I can't see that happen...she said he will change...I can change him....I said it's been 2 years 6 months has he changed...she said no....she said but I know I can....and he made her upset and angry the other day...recently he started taking drugs too...and he lies with a lot to her....I had to do something...she even tried to make me like him and argued with me.....and said he's an ok guy....he just has family issues and no friends...and I can help him.... I asked do u trust him...she said like 10%....I said how much does he mean to you...she said not a lot...I said why are u helping then...she said back to he can change.....so to protect her I said choose between me and him....and we had a huge fight....and she chose me....right at end after a lot... it was the only thing I could think of left to do...I couldn't see her hurt again....it was ripping me apart...did I do the right thing...???

I love and care for her more than anything in the world....I can't see her that way again...it was horrible....she said even if I killed her family she would still help me...that's how kind she is...which is too much kindness...but if I didn't...she would have been hurt badly by him... :/
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Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 1,161 • Replies: 16
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Mar, 2013 04:27 am
@fireflow,
She likes rescuing people. This guy is a project for her. And she is a bit of a pushover, as he is just not changing - and she keeps going back for more of the same. There are people who are like that. Is there something she is trying to change about you? This is not, really, not kindness. This is more like being a sucker, or maybe more than a little bit controlling.

Perhaps her next project can be to get you to use a period to end most of your sentences, instead of an ellipsis all the time. That would be useful, and presumably it would work.
cats4kiss
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Mar, 2013 07:06 am
There is a reason that he does not have any friends. He sounds like a "user" of people and resources. On the other hand, your girlfriend sounds like she can't accept failure and "Just Knows" SHE can change him. The first thing to learn is...
1. the "ONLY" one that can "SAVE" this guy... is himself. but before this can happen, he has alot of growing up to do.
2. Your GF needs to learn and understand that no one is responsible for that guy, or any other, except himself. And to not accept the fact that women really can't "SAVE" everything in the world, is childish and irresponsible. So, in truth... Any and everyone only has a limited success chance at best.
3. Know your limit. If it makes you cry... yell... or angry... you have past your limit and gone to far.
-----Now as for making her pick... what are you REALLY saying?-----
1. That you think she is stupid and can't learn or understand that she has to accept that there is a thing called limited success.
(and unless she really is stupid, that "making her pick" - trick... won't ever work again!) and can back fire.... then who would be the stupid one?
2. That it is far better to teach the one you love, the error of there ways, rather than to try to control them. (Which would you pick) - learn with a kiss or - learn with a stick (if you picked stick.. call me! - JUST KIDDING!!!)
3. Life with someone should be beautiful, and only tears of joy should be wiped away. Any other type of tears should be another reason to learn and talk.
So.... did you do the right thing? If you can learn from this... your one step closer to understanding limited success!
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Mar, 2013 07:31 am
Why would you want to stay with a girl who has no sense of herself and gets her identification from others? She will always be attracted to the loser guy who needs her and she thinks she's going to rescue/change him.

You may be too strong for her. She can't manipulate you.

You really ought to get her a puppy.
0 Replies
 
fireflow
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Mar, 2013 01:12 pm
@cats4kiss,
well she said she knows she can change him and knows it is possible and won't give up....he said he was smoking playing on her sympathy...he lied to her...and he just keeps doing worse and worse things...as more issues more fights...but he won't help himself....so my gf is forced to help him more and more and try to change him...so she becomes more upset over him not changing and tries harder...I asked why do you help...she said idk I just have to help him and ik he can change...Sad
contrex
 
  2  
Reply Wed 6 Mar, 2013 04:47 pm
@jespah,
jespah wrote:
Perhaps her next project can be to get you to use a period to end most of your sentences, instead of an ellipsis all the time. That would be useful, and presumably it would work.


And also avoiding text-speak like "idk" and "ik".
0 Replies
 
contrex
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Mar, 2013 04:49 pm
@jespah,
jespah wrote:
Perhaps her next project can be to get you to use a period to end most of your sentences, instead of an ellipsis all the time. That would be useful, and presumably it would work.


And also avoiding text-speak like "gf" "idk" and "ik" and "u".

Bottom line, fireflow, is you have to dump this broad. Do it soon.

0 Replies
 
contrex
 
  2  
Reply Wed 6 Mar, 2013 04:50 pm
@cats4kiss,
cats4kiss wrote:
3. Life with someone should be beautiful, and only tears of joy should be wiped away. Any other type of tears should be another reason to learn and talk.


What planet are you from? Are you aged about 12?

cats4kiss
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 6 Mar, 2013 07:50 pm
@contrex,
I am older than you... and I understand now why you can't get a woman. Well, a real one anyway. try Mars... over and out Space Captain Contrex! lol
cats4kiss
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 6 Mar, 2013 08:08 pm
@fireflow,
point out
#1. he will not help himself... what does that really mean? (a)He wants no help (b)why not try to get her wrapped around his finger, like old times.
Tell her that there are people out there that really do need help
(a) tell her to fly to Mars cuz you know a dude going there to find a real life girl.
(b) his name is Space Captain Contrex
fireflow
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Mar, 2013 08:05 am
@cats4kiss,
well after speaking more she found what I had meant and see's that she has neglected the relationship and that she failed to notice the problems growing with me and us because she was too focused on him...and too focused on his issues rather than our own and how she has hurt me and hurt the relationship...she said she won't focus on his problems much anymore and focus on me and the relationship and put our issues first and was sorry....but she said she can't stop speaking with him..because he still needs someone and is one of his only friends....should I leave it like this...or what should I do??

somehow I don't feel comfortable leaving it like this...even if it is some sort of success in a way...he takes her advice..does nothing with it...and yes as you said by B that is what is also happening which she cannot see or believe it...
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Mar, 2013 09:09 am
@fireflow,
If it bothers YOU, I wonder why she insists on having a relationship (any kind) with him.

She needs to let go of him. Cut it off. Someone else will come along for him, I'm sure.

Watch this . . . it indicates whether or not she can commit to you.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Mar, 2013 09:26 am
@fireflow,
She is an enabler. Is this guy an alcoholic, by chance? Because this is the kind of dance that addicts and enablers do, and they can do it for years. Don't get caught in the middle of this drama.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Mar, 2013 10:24 am
@jespah,
the first post talks about him (the sort of ex bf) taking drugs

whadda mess
0 Replies
 
contrex
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Mar, 2013 11:15 am
@cats4kiss,
cats4kiss wrote:

I am older than you... and I understand now why you can't get a woman. Well, a real one anyway. try Mars... over and out Space Captain Contrex! lol


Ignorant fool. I am almost certainly older than you; I have been married twice, and had many girlfriends. Go pound sand, idiot. You hear wisdom and ignore it. You great fool.

cats4kiss
 
  1  
Reply Tue 12 Mar, 2013 12:08 am
@contrex,
Hmmm Married twice? and many girlfiends? Did you ever get to keep one? You sound like a real pro! Everyone should follow in your footprints!
Is that what you needed to hear? "Go pound sand" (Idiot) and "Ignorant Fool"
sounds like a rant of a child, certainly not someone of great wisdom.
I am sure you will be a great leader of men one day soon! Maybe when you become one. good luck with that contrex
0 Replies
 
cats4kiss
 
  1  
Reply Tue 12 Mar, 2013 01:24 am
@fireflow,
Sounds like you have her thinking about it. Bravo! This is the best way to start.
She will be, after all, the one to end her involvement with her ex-boyfriend.
Not you. This is something you can't make her do, she will see, and act, as she learns and grows.
Ask her what the prize is, she's trying to get. If she says "I don't know"
Ask her to look deep into herself and ask herself why is he so important to her.
If she replies "He has no friends"
This is not an ansewer, It also has nothing to do with her. His ability to want or make friends is not her responsibility. So why does she think "this" is?
This is the best place to start.
It is more important to learn why we do something, that to just do it.
Also tell her that she does know why, deep down inside herself and needs to explore her own "Whys"
She can never help anyone untill she learns to help herself.
The same is true with her ex-boyfriend.
Getting her to explore herself with you can draw you closer together.So remember that if you get mad or yell, you have gone to far,and can do more harm than good. Take you time, hold her hand, look into her eyes and speak from the heart.
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