what to do with my 35 year old son

falcon802- Welcome to A2K!

What I find interesting is that you posted this thread under "Parenting and Childcare". Your son, at 35, is NOT a child. I believe that by letting him get away with behaving like a child, you are doing him harm, and contributing to his difficulty in maturing. It is called, "enabling".

IMO, you need to read this guy the riot act. Give him a date, say 2 months from now, when you want him out of your house, and living on his own. How he does it is not your problem. Then stick to it. Good luck!

Phoenix, one is always a parent even if one's offspring aren't children.

I agree that he needs to get the boot. I am 35, I don't make much money, but I take care of myself. He can survive on a roofer's salary unless you're living in one very expensive area. Maybe the dead-line should be the end of the summer. He'll have a few good months of work by then and should be able to save sufficiently.

Let us know how it goes.

Jeez, I'm 33, married, and struggling with a private catering business. I can't say I've never asked the family for help in hard times, but I haven't been living under their roof for a very long time. I think he needs a wake up call, and also needs to stop spending his money on cigs and weed. Learning to manage his money seems paramount at this point.

You are doing your "child" more harm than good by continuing to support him and his bad habits and irresponsibility.

What happens when you aren't around to take care of him? Does he get a big inheritance he can live off of and a house? Who's going to bail him out after he blows that?

I'd give him a deadline of 6 months to find a new place to live and force him to live on his own. He's got to sink or swim sometime and better to do it while you are still around to emotionally support him.

I'm with the others. You might also want to lay down some rules, say, no cigs and weed in the house, and stick to them (if you're a smoker, too, you can't really complain about cigarettes, but you can certainly demand that he obey the law while he's under your roof).

He may or may not save any $$ and he may or may not smoke or toke any less but at least you're doing your part. And pick a deadline - 6 months would be the end of the summer, that sounds about right - to have him get himself in gear. And stick to that deadline. It's one thing to help out if a family member has been ill or lost a job or the like, particularly if that family member is doing their best but just can't make ends meet (hey, it happens). But you shouldn't have to support his lifestyle. He's a big boy. He can take care of himself. And if he can't, he'll learn to quickly.

ditto all.

i'm rather amazed that you say 'in the long run' because it seems to me the harm has been done - which is why he's 35 and thinks what he's doing is okay. Turn-around is what you're going to be doing, and I would say it probably won't be easy.

he needs to grow up - quickly

Yep. I really agree with what Jespah has to say on this.

One thing I would add is that when you set limits, they are well-thought-out and reasonable. There were two situations in my family where limits were set late, and then the adult children spiralled downward in an alarming and even life-threatening way, and the parents stepped in again.

At 35, while he should have the resources to live on his own, it is likely that he doesn't. So think of limits that will take into account an adjustment period -- he absolutely can't live with you after 6 months, but you will continue to provide some monetary support as needed until ____. After that you will provide no more than _____. Something that is staggered, rather than all at once, to give your son time to adjust.

Or else steel yourself for the possibility of watching him spiral down, no matter what.

Falcon--

Welcome to A2K.

I'm guessing that the question behind the question that you asked is, "Am I being unreasonable in expecting my 35-year-old son to grow up?"

I agree with the earlier replies. No, you are not unreasonable. You may be tired and disillusioned and disappointed, but you are not unreasonable.

Do you and the layabout's mother feel the same way about your pot-smoking star boarder? Do you have any other children? How is your health?

You know what must be done--can you tell us what the roadblocks are?

Good luck.

I feel for you. My parents had this problem with my older brother. Finally they told him he had to move out and if he didn't they would call the police. It was hard and my brother still has issues, but my parents had so much grief because of him. Please for yourselves and for him, be firm. Unless it is a temporary situation, an adult in their 30s should not be living at home. If he is then he should be paying rent and helping his parents. Basically pulling his share. I have a cousin in this situation. He still lives with his mom. I can see since it is only the two of them and he helps out - he pays for updates on the house, etc. I can also understand if the parents need help.

I apologize in advance for my post that will probably lack the compassion of my peer's. I too am 35. I moved out of my parent's home when I was 17 because I didn't want to live under their rules. His apparent worthlessness is mostly his own fault, but the remainder of blame falls squarely on YOU. Every dollar you give him frees up a dollar of his to buy weed. So, in actuality, you are buying his weed. Even if you didn't give him money; by supporting him in other ways; you are buying his weed. Think about it.

If you are serious about wanting a change; if you now realize the truth; give him 1 month and no more. Since you are somewhat responsible for his worthlessness, you might help him find the cheapest, smallest place in the area and pay the 1st months rent and security deposit. Make it abundantly clear that there will be no more help in the future. (If he ever calls and says he's hungry; give him a case of Ramen Noodles, but never cash). He then can choose to make the tiny amount of money necessary to pay the bills in the matchbox size apartment for as long as he wishes... or develop a work ethic (and the pride that comes with it) and save his money to improve his lot in life on his own. I honestly think that would be the single greatest gift you could give to him.

I remember reading somewhere that Henry Ford had failed in 3 businesses and was nearly bankrupt at age 40 when he started Ford Motor Company. It's never too late to learn. Your alternative is to continue treating him like a child until you die, secure in the knowledge that he'll be a basket case when you're gone. Why not do something proactive? He and you will both be proud of him when he becomes a useful member of the human race.

Ps. you might want to pick up a copy of "Atlas Shrugged" to help you understand the "goodness" in my advice. And, pick up a copy of "The Millionaire Next Door" for him so he can get a grip on how successful people manage money. In fact; pick up 2 copies of that one (you should read it too).

Sorry, but I think he's as grown up as he's gonna get. At the age of 25, this kind of behavior might be a phase. At the age of 35, it's a character flaw.

I have a brother just like this who is now 45 and still not working. Ten years ago, my mother could have written your letter verbatim. She decided to quit supporting him, and he just moved on to someone else. There's a seemingly endless supply of suckers out there. I doubt very seriously that he will change.

But please!....prove me wrong!!!

falcon, I feel for you as the father. We also have a 38 year old son living at home, because my wife wants it that way. I also left home at 17, and struggled through life the first 10 years after leaving home, but it was all uphill from there. I've always told our two sons that we would support their college education, but they were on their own after that. Our second son, although good in school, never "found himself." He's still working towards his bachelor's degree in psychology, and he still has one more year to go. We must have spent over $100,000 for his college education, but he still lacks a degree, because he's changed majors so often. If it were up to me, he'd be working or living as a homeless man. He's now become a life-long dependent, but I'm forcing him to move out after he gets his degree in psychology - whether my wife agrees or not. My wife also gives him spending money which upsets me to no end, but she does it anywho. My wife created a handicapped son - with my support, I'm afraid.

Don't give up hope C.I. My sister was a professional Student/Tree Hugger deep into her 20's. Then she married another professional Student/Tree Hugger and they now operate a successful Landscaping business that caters to the environmentally conscious elite. They are also home schooling 4 wonderful children, one of whom might be the smartest kid on earth. Turns out they are phenomenal parents and are quite successful too. See advice on books above. :wink:

Your son's character was set a long time ago. He will most likely continue the same path at home or on the road. But at least being on his own will prepare him for survival once you are too old to help him.

edgarblythe- Maybe you are right........but I like to be an optimist. Anyhow, being on his own will not only prepare him for survival when his parents can't take care of him. It will allow for his mom and dad to live out their years in PEACE.

falcon, you and your wife have to do the 'tough love' thing ASAP. Stop giving him money. He has all he needs. You feed, shelter and clothe him. He has no need for money. All you are doing is supporting his drug habit. STOP!!!

Like the others said, give him a time limit of a month or two the get out. Be prepared, however, for what might come your way on eviction day. He may not leave the house without an argument. Have friends or other family members at the house when that day comes to support you and your wife.

The idea of having children is to see them grow up and become independent. This concept got lost somewhere along the way in your family.

Have the three of you ever been through family counseling? If you have, it obviously hasn't worked. If you haven't, this is the time to start. Tell your son if he wants to continue living with you and your wife for the next month or two, he must attend the counseling sessions with you.

I think you and your wife have issues as well. You both are no doubt dependent on your son emotionally. You two have issues to deal with also, IMHO.

Think about it this way falcon, you and your wife aren't getting any younger. One day you will more than likely need you son's help and he will be absolutely worthless to you and won't give a crap about you.

I wish you all the best.

Now there's a scary thought for someone like me that has no kids.

I don't think we should depend on kids to take care of the old folks any more than parents supporting the kids forever. It's just not practical in today's mobile society where families sometimes live thousands of miles apart.

The bigger issue still points to what is best for this guy? Mom and Dad are obviously responsible and able to take care of themselves and him.
He has to learn how to take care of himself. It's why baby birds are pushed from the nest. The cycle of life will leave him on his own one day. Can he survive and make it? Not if he hasn't learned how to.

It's time for sonny boy to stop being a selfish child and start being a responsible adult.

I didn't mean to scare you with my comment, Camille. LOL

I just wanted to make the point to falcon that if he and his wife think that by housing their worthless son and putting up with him, that he will be there for them when the day comes when they need him to be there for them. I've seen parents/grandparents who believed that only to be left totally alone by their ungrateful child/grandchild.

As as a parent, I think we kind of expect that our children will be there for us when we are old. I've known people who took wonderful care of their parents/step parents when they got old and needed assistance. I've also known of people who didn't give a damn about their elderly parents. They paid minimal attention to them and couldn't wait for mom/dad to die so they could receive their inheritance.

I have a son and I certainly HOPE he will be there for me when I'm an old lady. If he isn't, I'm sure I'll get by somehow. That's what nursing homes are for.

These parents quality of life can't be all that good. Their son needs to get off the drugs and get his act together. Maybe even meet a nice woman and get married. Can you imagine being married to that guy?

I wouldn't wish him on my worst enemy. That man is totally dependent. and would sponge off anybody that he is able.
falcon802- Think of you and your wife. You are not getting any younger. Enjoy your life, and get that albatross off your neck!