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Tue 5 Feb, 2013 10:11 pm
I walk around with a huge ego and think I am great. I demand what I want and take it. People say I am handsome, smart, funny.
The thing is; when I am alone, I feel like a monster. I obsess over my skin, I've had this rash-like acne since I was a teenager. It is just a redness and tiny little bumps. It is so non-significant, but it drives me crazy when I look in the mirror.
I feel unwanted all the time. I demand that the women in my life actively chase me, but never chase them too far. I am afraid of being rejected just shut down and wait for them to mend the problems when we have fights.
I miss all of my exes and feel like a jerk for how I pushed each of them away. I know I am doing the same to my wife now and wonder how long she will put up with my ****.
When I am angry, I am the meanest person in the world. My intelligence is unmatched, I work on things like integer factorization algorithms and somatic hybridization as hobbies. But, when I am angry, all of my intelligence turns into the bitterest sword that cuts through people mercilessly. I strum through all of my cunning to find the most hurtful things to say and lay into them relentlessly. I am such a dick.
I have a fear of anything I can't control; flying, asteroids, brain aneurysms, you get the idea.
I start too many sentences with I.
I come from a family of athletes and I am just a 170lb scrawny ****. I want to work out and become bigger, but am too lazy. I am incredibly lazy, I don't do ****.
When I go out, I put on my mask and am a fun guy that everyone likes. The truth is that I just want to be alone. I just want to be in a little room with a computer and food. I want to run away from everything.
I get bored easily and give up on whatever I am doing. I am bored with writing all this even.
Any ideas of what I could do to be less of a loser? Not seem like less of a loser, but actually have the emotions of someone that isn't so pathetic.
@AnotherIdiotOnline,
I didn´t have such a good day either but let´s face it... look at so much honesty there is here.. AND pointing out the things you wanna change are already a good step for the change.
I like your little story. also I realised that sharing yourself (as you are doing here) will help a lot for your transformation and adding the fact that you will find people in the same situation than you.. including me. I don´t have any answers for you, unless that yeah, we are all a bit psycho I guess.
A nice thing which I think is exciting is telling your story to someone or part of your story ( it might get you out of your boring and funny subjects that you always talk about. For example:
"I feel that I put a mask on when I am at parties, do you have this sensation as well?"
And my questions in return would be.. Who asked you to be funny at parties? Who asked you to be a good husband? Why is it wrong to tell mean things? Why looser seems so rejecting?
and I would put an other word.. expectations.
@AnotherIdiotOnline,
I'd suggest therapy of some sort but it can be time consuming and expensive and of course doesn't always work
One might confide in the trusted companion unless he has a bad choice of friends. Also it might help to read as much as he can about nearly anything
His problems could be contingent on age, nat, ed., family, early exp, etc , things a therapist might ask about; which for some reason a2k'ers are reluctant to reveal
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