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To call CPS, or not to call?

 
 
Reply Sun 3 Feb, 2013 06:24 am
So, here's my situation. I'm currently going through a divorce. My ex wife has very serious issues with the concepts of truth and loyalty as they pertain to marriage. That said, she has also made very serious errors with regard to caring for our 5 year old daughter. What's worse, any time that I try to discuss them with her to illustrate their severity, she lies and says they never happened, that she doesn't know what I'm talking about. Her most basic error is putting her own needs and wants in front of our daughters. Doing that to me is one thing, but to her child is something all together different. The following is a list(not in order of occurrence) of the things that scream neglect to me:

1. Wife leaves front door to house open, child walks out, grabbed by mother(thankfully so) about 3 feet from a very highly trafficked road. Wife calls me at work to tell me, is hysterical, and seems genuinely sorry. So, I let it slide. No one is perfect.
2. Wife falls asleep on couch while caring for our daughter(mid-afternoon), daughter exits house, found walking down the street by a neighbor. Wife doesn't wake up until neighbor rings the doorbell to return my daughter. Again, wife calls, hysterical. On this one, I don't let it slide. As a parent, she has an obligation to regulate energy output so that she has enough to stay the hell awake when our daughter is under her supervision and it's 4:30 in the afternoon.
3. She makes new friends from work, wants us to hang out with them regularly, I go to meet them with her, and our daughter goes. Other husband gets drunk, and becomes verbally abusive to his own wife. Puts my daughter in a full nelson "playing" and squeezes so hard she bursts into tears. His kids are present, so I console my daughter but don't confront him. He also has a pit bull in the back yard. I don't buy into the "all pits are bad" mentality, but less than two weeks after me insisting that we don't associate with them because of an uneasy feeling I had while over there, this guys 2 year old daughter is literally almost mauled to death by the pit bull. 87 puncture wounds, multiple deep lacerations, one lost ear, countless surgeries and a long recovery. My wife's excuse for insisting on hanging out with them against my judgement, she needs friends.
4. This one is fun. Her parents are toxic. Divorced themselves, both deceitful, both manipulative, both verbally abusive to my wife in the earlier part of our relationship. Truth, her mother loved me. I had no reason not to like her. Save the fact that she was a hypochondriac, a viscous manipulative liar, called my wife fat constantly, and pulled my daughters hair as a means of discipline. Her dad, a 300+ truck driving country bumpkin never much cared for me, but we did ok, for a while. Problem is, my daughter has now witnessed two cases of animal abuse towards her own dog. Case one, dog put in choke hold, force fed a jalapeno pepper. Case two, repeatedly punched in the shoulder by him. He also, in the early stages of our relationship, slapped my wife. As far as her parents go, I didn't anything to do with them. My wife having a relationship with them was fine, until my daughter was born. I begged her to just avoid them for a short while, but she argued that they were her parents, and she wanted to see them. What could I do. So, because they were so important to her, her mothers dog was able to bite my daughter in the face not once, but twice. The latter almost costing my daughter her left eye. And her fathers house is where she has moved with my daughter. It's disgusting and unsafe by anyone's standards except his. Power tools everywhere, chemicals(household and automotive) everywhere. And three massive fish tanks that he cleans just enough to maintain "murky" visibility. Trash on the floor, every open surface is a catch all. Wood on the floor in the living room, wood piles full of rusted nails that are covered in grease in the back yard where my child is supposed to be able to play. And still, she insist that these people are good for our daughter, even though they constantly make disparaging remarks about each other in earshot of my daughter, which I then have to field and explain why papa said the mean things about nana, or vice versa.
5. Financially, she cant make good, solid choices either. 2 months after our daughter was born, she was out with her dad buying a new car while I was at work. Never told me. Never considered that she was $5000 upside down on her current car, or that the payment was going up by $120 a month. And it was an SUV to SUV trade, so that argument was out the window. She got a credit card and maxed it out in two weeks. On what you ask? Clothes for herself. The zinger to this one was, that would have gone a long way towards clothes for our daughter. Better than that, just emergency back up funds. Second zinger, she didn't tell me that the card even existed until it was maxed out. And to this day, I don't even know what the card looks like.
6. Lost our daughter while at a company event. I mean lost lost. To the extent that a manager had to essentially bring the event to a standstill and have every present employee and patron search for her. In later argument, she blames the "babysitter". This "babysitter" was herself, and her dad.
7. She constantly forgets to take her medications for thyroid, depression, and adult ADHD. This results in constant fatigue and mood swings. I'd have to remove my shoes to count how many times I've gotten home from work to find my wife passed out on the couch or in bed while our daughter is somewhere in the house. And at all hours of the day at that. Her dad is a trucker and may be gone for days at a time. Any time I text her and get no response, I instantly go into panic mode, worried that she fell asleep while caring for our daughter.

Deep down inside her is the girl that I married. The one with priorities, that knew order of importance. This current version(affectionately named wife 2.o-who are you), loves the idea of being a mother, and lacks the understanding, integrity, and moral compass necessary to be a good one to our daughter. She is selfish, and quite literally, only makes decisions based on how they benefit her and her needs. Which is why we are getting divorced. Because of her deception and disloyalty to us, her family, she can no longer deal with me simply wanting the truth from her about things as they go in a marriage, and my getting upset when I didn't get it. Which was very, very frequent. She does not understand how bad the environment is in which she has forced our child to move to, nor does she understand how damaging it is for a 5 year old to see her dog being beaten. Or be around a table saw because it's been next to the kitchen table for almost a year. Or have access to a bevy of chemicals that could do who knows what to her, should they be consumed. She refuses to move out, and I can no longer accept this setting as my daughters primary residence. I have no vendetta against my wife. I love her. I was still begging to work this out two weeks after she filed. But her refusal to see the damage being done mixed with very dangerous living conditions, yet refusing to acknowledge, accept, and change it keeps me constantly worried.
So, important part. Is CPS necessary? My wife will not give into my request for primary, even though my environment is infinitely more conducive to the proper development of a child. And I'm tired of listening to her rationalize how toxic her parents are. And when she's not rationalizing their behavior, she's flat out lying, saying it never happened. I have all the evidence I need to go forward, but I don't want to make things harder on my daughter than I need to. But I can't think her life is any easier as it stands right now, spending 90% of her time over there.
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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 804 • Replies: 8
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sun 3 Feb, 2013 12:48 pm
SHE filed for divorce?.. . .h-m-m-m

If what you say is true, you are surrounded by idiots. And stupid people are dangerous when they have power.

Your daughter is at risk. You have enough evidence to get physical custody of her and keep her away from such toxic people.

Only you can decide: either stay in this squirrel cage or get your daughter and you to a safe place.
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sun 3 Feb, 2013 12:56 pm
@chorridge3,
talk to a lawyer....generally everything you say will be disregarded because of the divorce but there are ways to get the state to take you seriously. i expect that you will be told that you need to wait for more profound neglect.
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 3 Feb, 2013 02:10 pm
I'm not an attorney, but I'd call a good divorce lawyer for a consult as soon as possible. Maybe you already have one. I'd personally call cps, but probably would ask the attorney first for his or her thoughts on proceeding.

Hawkeye might be right about it being taken as a divorce ploy (it sounds to me, though, that you are genuine in your concerns).
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sun 3 Feb, 2013 03:18 pm
@ossobuco,
Not so much a ploy but divorce tends to be instigated by the wife, and when it happens the husbands are often unhinged(they never saw it coming) and telling stories that have her as the crazy bitch, which tends to be more emotional response than truth. All parties tend to dismiss the claims of men at this stage.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 3 Feb, 2013 04:20 pm
@hawkeye10,
I have a relative who was major screwed by false accusations, and the screwer was using it as a ploy as conceived by a friend (admitted to me later by the accuser when it was way too late.) So, I am thinking that others who work with the courts thinking this kind of stuff is going on may be likely.

However, chorridge seems observant, sharp, able to state his case well. I believe him.
I'm just no expert to advise.
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sun 3 Feb, 2013 05:07 pm
@ossobuco,
in my experience it is mostly women who use lies in an cold overt attempt to manipulate in these situations, the men are usually lost/grasping for straws/lashing out at having been hurt.....ie the men are hot.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 3 Feb, 2013 07:51 pm
@hawkeye10,
I don't have data to refute you, and not in the mood to look stuff up.
In my experience, both men and women can be be plain old mad on their own course, to the detriment of their children.

I don't think that data matters to this poster.
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sun 3 Feb, 2013 07:59 pm
@ossobuco,
ossobuco wrote:

I don't have data to refute you, and not in the mood to look stuff up.
In my experience, both men and women can be be plain old mad on their own course, to the detriment of their children.

Agreed, but the motivation to fight even when the fighting hurts the kids varies by sex. We talk a great game that it is kids above all, but we dont do it...at.all.
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