Letter I wrote to my best friend I need advice.

After two years I can't believe I'm afraid to tell you this in person. You are my best friend and I love you. I am so happy you got your pictures of your babies. They are so adorable! I don't why I feel this way, but I do when I see the videos or the pictures of you, Samantha, Raiya and Skylar together as a family. I feel Jealous of her for having that wonderful family with you and letting it go. Samantha leaving you was one of if not the stupidest mistake she ever made in her life. Seeing those videos of you guys as a family makes me sad. I don't want it to be and I know you guys were a family and of course you guys shared a life together and you have picture together and videos too. I just feel like If I had a family I would do anything in my power to keep my family together. I guess as
even through its nonsense I am jealous of Samantha. She is a ***** and she has taken your kids away. I know she wasn't always a *****, but I guess I feel like some of the things she has done I would never do,like take a mans kids away, but I'm still alone. I don't know if that makes any sense. She had an amazing family and am jealous of her for having it and I can't understand why she gave it up and didn't fight for it.

Everyday people tell me I already have a family Roxie, Riley and Me, but its not the same. Of course I love Roxie and Riley with all my heart and I miss them when I'm not with them. I know I'm still learning as a parent and I'm not the best parent ever, but I love my kids.
I feel like I let fear and low self esteem run my life. I tell
myself in my head that no matter what I do I will never be good enough and I build **** up in my head and then get upset about it even through it might of not really meant anything or I put meaning behind something that it isn't there like I'm trying to justify my fears. It's not that I'm never happy or that I want drama I truly don't. When I get upset it has nothing to do with you or me not loving you with all my heart.
I love you in a way I have never loved anyone else before and truly you are the only man I want to be with. I guess I have a lot issues I have to work out for myself. After I get upset I always regret and wish I could take it back.

All I have ever wanted was a family.( like the one you had with Samantha does that make sense at all?) All I ever wanted was to be loved. I know that ever girl has dreamed about her wedding day her entire life and I honesty could care less about a wedding I just want the family. Just recently I realized that my whole adult life just wanting this family what have I done with my life to contribute to a family.

I have no career, no stability and nothing to offer, Now I'm desperately clinging to anything to get a career, but I know that will not happen over night. I feel like I have wasted my whole adult life. I feel like **** when I look at myself and where I let my life go and especially this past year not working. I can make excuse after excuse that I did it out of fear of not seeing you again or I didn't want to work minimum wage and struggle, but none of that matters I truly ****** up not working and no ones fault, but my own. I guess I took advantage of the fact that I always have my parents house to go back to, but after you turn 18 you are the only responsible for your action. It doesn't matter what anyone else does the way you hold yourself and the way others perceive you is your responsibility. I overreacted in situations before and said and I did things I regret, but no matter what anyone else did I am to blame for those situations. I am the only person responsible for me and my actions. Sometimes I feel like I ****** my life up so much I don't know how to change. I have been the same way for so long I don't know how to be anything else. One of the biggest mistakes I have is quitting sky security. It wasn't the best paying job, but it was full time and a good job. Why did I give up on myself. I lost my place and took so many steps back in my life. At the time I didn't think it was worth it. I was depressed and let it go and I don't ever want to do that ever again. Have you ever just known in your heart that you are better than where you are at that time in life? Does that make sense? I love you with all my heart and all I want is to have a family with you and sometimes I fear that things have gone to far from those few moments in the beginning where you could see us having a family together that things can't be fixed and I guess sometimes no matter how much you love a person it isn't always enough. I just had to get this off my chest.

That was the letter I feel like so I made so many mistakes that it has gone to far and there is no repairing us. We dated for about a year and then he broke up with me and we have been friends since. I still love him, but it feels like no matter how hard I try things just keep on falling apart.