I think he has been unfaithful but he keeps denying it. I don't know what to believe. PLEASE HELP!

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This is long but I want everyone to get the full picture. I've been married 30 years to my husband and we have a daughter who lives in her home with her husband and 3 children. I have worked full time and was the bread winner for 20 years of our marriage. 4 years ago I basically had a break-down from stress and had to quit my job, leaving my husband the sole provider. It was hard and it still is but he insisted that it was OK and that he didn't mind. I have extreme anxiety and find it difficult to even imagine having a job interview so I have tried to earn money by selling things online. Of course this is nothing like the money I use to earn but it is something. My husband was proud of what I was doing and always expressed it.
My husband was transferred to a new area at his job at the end of 2011. That is when I started seeing big changes. I found out that he was now working with a woman(I'll call her DEE) that I have never liked because during intervals of our marriage, this girl appeared to be going after my husband......or maybe it was vice versa. 15 years ago he drove DEE to work but didn't tell be about it. I found out only because he was leaving 10 minutes earlier for several days so he told me he was taking someone to work. Of course he didn't volunteer that it was a woman....I had to ask.
Then, I'm shopping with my husband a few years later and DEE comes up and hugs him then has the gall to give me a snarl of a look. This upset me and my husband said that he couldn't help it if she hugged him. But what made her feel so comfortable with my husband that she thought that she could?
A few years later, my husband comes home and tells me Dee is getting married to Steve and she is WAY too good for him. I again was stunned. Whay does HE care if Dee is too good for Steve? I thought he acted jealous.
A few years after that, we run into Dee in a parking lot as we were getting ready to back out. She runs up to the side of our car and my husband gets out and they beggin to talk. No one acknowledged me.....it was like I wasn't even there. My husband apologized but I began to remember all the other run-ins we had with her so I was really upset.
NOW.........Here we are ...........my husband has now been working with Dee since September of 2011 and this is where I have noticed BIG changes in our marriage. First he worked TONS of over-time, all of which can be verified....believe me I verified it. There were days that my husband worked 16 hours, went to bed and did it all over again. I felt really bad because I'm not working and he is doing all this work. I tell him that he doesn't have to and please not to. BUT he said he is doing it to increase his top 3 years for retirement purposes. Ok.......................
Well I later find out that DEE is also working tons of overtime.
The changes in our marriage.......................
My husband never asks me about my day...........He has not wanted sex the entire year of 2012 and the 2 times that we were intimate, I initiated it. In 2011, we had sex 2 to 4 times a month. ..................... He never asks about my day or how my business is doing. He said he really doesn't care about my business. I told him that he use to care and ask about it. He said he was just humoring me for the last 2 years. I was HEART broken! .................... His eating habits changed and table manners changed. He wanted ALL gaseous foods out of his diet and he complained about the meals I made that he has liked for YEARS! ................ He started using words that he has NEVER used before............He started criticizing the house, the furniture. He was giving me critical looks with a face that showed distaste at what he saw. He would be sure to stare at my chin where my age is starting to show. He stared at my hands in disgust. (((((((Just for the record, I've been told that I am a very attractive woman. I'm not young and my age is starting to show....but still attractive)))))))). ............He started taking his Kindle fire into the bathroom, to work, EVERYWHERE! I would look at the history when he was in bed but it was always deleted. BUT in September 2012 , he forgot to do it and there was the proof that he was looking at porn. I confronted him, stunned, betrayed, He knew that I didn't approve of porn. He told me he was addicted. I was SHOCKED!!!! WHO IS THIS MAN!!!! So now the Kindle is now gone and I had to use passwords on our desk-top.......................
But things were still very strange. He seemed distant from me, he was here but not here. Then there were days that he would come home from work and he was in an ECSTATIC mood! I've never seen his so happy about his job! This is where my thought of DEE started coming in. One day my husband wanted to eat a REAL gassy meal (Mexican with beans) I was surprised. I told him he hasn't wanted to that in months! He said he did today AND he wanted a beer. My mind was racing!!!!! I just had to ask him this question but in a nonchalant way......"So, is Dee working tomorrow?" he said "No, she's on vacation on week!" I was LIVID!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him why I ws mad but he made some lame excuse. But I wasn't fooled, I just kept my eyes and ears open. NJow the holidays were rolling around and my hubby had no interest. Didn't want to put the tree up, didn't want to decorate, didn't want any Christmas gifts. SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much NOT like him. He also started talking more and more about money. How he wished we saved 100,000 dollars ????????? Where the hell did he come up with that figure??????? He told me that I had to get a job and he didn't care if it was at McDonalds. This from my loving husband who USE to support me and told me I didn't have to work!!!!! He was telling me everything opposite of what he told me a couple years ago! It was like he was being influenced by someone else!
I finally blurted out that I know he is having either an EMOTIONAL affair or an EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL affair with DEE. HE WAS SPEECHLESS! He stuttered, he walked away , he denied. AND THEN he said very loudly "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT IS DEE?" I told him that it has always been Dee.........We had a HUGE fight and I told him about all of the changes I've seen in him since he started working with her a year ago. The attitiude, the table manners, the money, the lack of sex. I told him that he wanted Dee now because I'm not working and she is. She has a 100,000 pension and we already spent my pension (I bought him a new car and payed off debt). She is 10 years younger than me and doesn't have any wrinkles, she is petite and I am tall. She is an extrovert and I am an introvert. Everything he wants now is totally opposite of what he has.
He then looked confused, he started stammering, he cried, he told me to leave him alone. He later came up and told me how he has taken me for granted, that he loves our home and our tree, That I'm a good mother and grandmother.
He has never admitted it but I asked him to stay away from DEE at work. We have had more fights since then ......This Christmas has been horrible. I would ask him questions about what he and Dee would talk about and I kept getting inconsistencies. First he NEVER talked to her, she would do all the talking. Then he says he only chit chats, doesn't talk. My husband is a talker and a flirt....I can't believe any of it.
There has been so many more lies that I have caught him in but the most heart wrenching thing for me is that my husband is extremely sad. I see tears in his eyes that he denies. He is moody and he says it is because I don't believe him and he doesn't know how to prove that he didn't cheat. He said he didn't want sex because he was exhausted from all of the work. He doesn't appear to be home when he is home and when a sad lost love song coe on, he tears up..............denying it of course. This causes MORE fights because I just want him to tell me the TRUTH! I would forgive him but I need the TRUTH! He told me I wold never get him to admit it, because he didn't do anything. He SCREAMS all this at the top of his lungs. I'm afraid he will have a heart-attack.
My thoughts...............he loves Dee but is afraid to leave me because of our family, because I'd be destitute with no medical insurance, income, nothing. He is afraid of what others will think of him. But the problem is, he is so unhappy! I am unhappy and cry all the time. I've been clinically depressed and suffer from anxiety since I quit my job and this is just making it worse! Almost suicidal. I know my husband has had to go through alot with me quitting a very high paying job and then all of my mental issues. But I always had dinner waiting for him, a clean house and clothes....he was my priority.
We are seeing a marriage counselor but it doesn't seem to be working. He continues to deny anything happened emotionally or physically with DEE and I stilll think that there is. We are in a no win. What is strange is that my husband says that he hasn't talked to DEE since I asked him not to. This is if I can believe him because he does lye ALOT. I find it odd that she stays away and doesn't ask him why he is ignoring her. Oh yeah, Dee's husband also works for the same company and he just got transfered to another area. Is it possible that everyone knows about this triangle but me?
Am I crazy to think this way? Could I be driving my husband away with false accusations? Is he hiding something? I just don't know what to do but I do know that my once happy home has become a hell I can't bear. I was once a VERY independent woman with her own income and if I wanted to I could have just up and left and not put up with all of this. Now I'm scared, poor and alone.
Please HELP!

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This thing with Dee has been going on for years. Yet your husband and her have not made any real overt signs of being together romantically. I think you are looking in the wrong place for your husband's issues.

His behavior seems odd, but we are getting just your side of the picture.

Do you have too much time on your hands? Is there any reason why you can't work - yes, even if it's at Mcdonalds?

He said "Why do you think it's Dee?" It could be someone else, or male menopause, depression, boredom --- or all in your head.

In any case, you need couples counseling ASAP.

1 Reply

@killing me softly,

I read every word, and I feel your pain, from such a sincere post. I am not qualified to give you advice, but feel like I have to say something. I am not even sure if you will read this post, as often we turn to the unknown looking for answers.
Please, you should never feel suicidal, life is to short, as it is, and regardless of our own thoughts, think about the family and friends we would upset by been so selfish. I know it must be hard, and life sometimes, turns a different direction, but those directions in life, must not change who we are.
Your husband sounds depressed, unhappy that he as not exceeded his expectations in life, unhappy that he could never give you more.
Unhappy he can not make you happy, tired and stressed, worried about his time in life, worried the days are getting less and the grim reeper is at the door, and his time as ran out.
And he could never give you more, or never make you young again.

Your insecurity and feelings of anguish may be misguiding your thought's and logic.
16 hr shifts, all i would do is want to sleep..

A female friend, maybe he felt like he could confide in her, maybe she listened just a bit more than you did, maybe your anguish to regain success clouded your thoughts,
Ask yourself this, who's house doe's your husband sleep at night, he comes home to you, he cares enough to come home.
Love doe's not die, maybe things in life can make love blind, but it doe's not alter.
He's sad because your sad, and maybe the tears are tears of fear, fearing the one he loves will one day depart, tell him money is not important, life is about happyness and nothing else mattes, plan a holiday, take a break, and don't be accusing, there is no point, if he wanted to go, he would of been gone, simple.

And i am a guy, and i look at my partner every day, and it upsets me to know one day she will be gone, and vice versa. IT upsets me that i cant make a better life, but never ever will i not be me, and let the depression gods take over.

1 Reply

@steve123,

Thanks Steve. I really do appreciate seeing another side to this and the sincerity and care that I hear in your words.
I have thought he may be going through a mid-life crisis........I was hoping it was only that. But let's face it, people fall in and out of love everyday. This woman may give him feelings that he hasn't felt in years. After 30 years with the same person you no longer get the "butterflies", the fun of getting to know their little quirks, and you have someone who hasn't heard all of your "stories". She probably boosts his ego which I admit I don't do enough of.

I will get 1/2 of everything including his pension which is another reason why I think he is staying among other things.

I have been feeling very suicidal and yet I was tempted to call 911 for help. Which really doesn't make sense to me since I thought people who wanted to kill themselves just did it......no thoughts of intervention.

We have our good days and our bad. It can go ok until my husband tears up for no reason at all. Or he hears a love song and tears up. Or he asks me off the wall questions like "do you think I'm good in bed".......

He never talks about the future anymore or the past for that matter. When I bring up memories that are good, he just kinda shuts down and shuts me out. I don't know what to think.

Thanks again Steve for your time

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Thanks for your reply Punkey. I definitely have more time on my hands than I use to but believe me. this isn't in my head. My husband went from being very loving towards me to being cold.
I can get a job and I have been trying. I haven't had any luck but when I run out of options. I will definitely try McDonalds.
As far as his statement "Why Dee?"...........yes............I have actually asked if it was someone else and the answer was "no".
I don't know if you know anyone who has problems telling the truth but my husband does. I don't know what to believe anymore.
As far as his side of the story..............well,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,that is something people do NOT get with these forums.
But his side of the story will be that he is faithful to me and his only fault was looking at porn and working too hard. He will say everything else is in my head....

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@killing me softly,

I love the porn complain as if you have any rights to judge his private viewings of such materials.

Can not picture my wife having a problem with my porn collection that she had jokingly label Bill's girls.

If you are so judgmental over very normal male sexual interests then I can see part of the reason he would pull back from you.

I would hate to be in a relationship where I would need to locked my wife out of my internet viewing history/delete same or have her for that matter feeling the need to spy on me.

You both need counseling in my opinion at least.

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@BillRM,

I have every right to judge his viewing of porn. Watching porn is the same as cheating. ............unless the other partner watches it with you or doesn't care. I CARE AND SINCE DAY 1 of our 30 year marriage he KNOWS I CARE! He knows what I think of porn. how it degrades woman, how a wife can't compete when being compared to the spray painted bodies, the silicone, and ALL the different types of women. SORRY ............. I disagree with you completely.
BUT lucky for you your wife has no issues with porn.

1 Reply

@killing me softly,

Yes the butterflies do die, and the excitement goes as sometimes boredom creeps in. The same old routine ,robotic like in nature ,that causes an emotional reaction.
Your hubby sounds like his confidence as gone if he feels the need to ask after 30 years if he was good in bed.
Maybe your sadness is having effect, and he does not know what to do for the best.
I have been with my partner for 18 years, she as developed a problem for alcohol, and a similar situation , I do not know what to do for the best, she often accuses me of fancying some one else, but not once have I strayed.
And don't get me wrong it as been vice versa when I have been the one accusing.
What I am trying to say, is sometimes things are not the way they seem, we can become easily confused and misguided as our emotions we can not control.
So these are the times we need to use logic, ask your self this,
is your husband a prize catch and I dont mean just in you eyes,
Does he dress up more often than usual
does he bath more than usual, even though this may be due to the fact of long hours at work.
Does money strangely vanish
Is this dee a prize catch, would she if she is married, what does this dee's husband look like,
Logic, think unemotional logic,

This way if nothing else, you will see the realism of how you feel, and whether you suspicions have any foundation.

Think hard, is it really a reality of this happening. Im not going to say its all in your head, I know emotions can run riot, and love can make us suspicious.
And I have always considered love to be more of an infactuation, but thats just me.

1 Reply

@killing me softly,

Quote:

Watching porn is the same as cheating. ....

Nonsense and I mean nonsense as by that logic having a sexual dream that involved someone other then you is the same as if he was cheating on you in real life.

Bet that if he looked at a good looking woman on the street or even on a TV screen you give him hell.

Thank god my wife is no where that insecure concerning my love and loyalty to her even if I enjoy looking at good looking women.

I am beginning to think he would be better off leaving you as being in a relationship where I would need to hide normal male sexual interests from my mate would get old in short order.

1 Reply

@steve123,

Steve, if it is an affair, I think it is an emotional affair that has not ,possibly, gotten to the physical part of the relationship. Working side by side everyday, they share something that I don't share with him. Job related issues, the stress, and then there is the personal life problems that they talk about. Add to that the fact that they worked a lot of overtime. I never saw my husband and she did. She is having marital problems that my husband told me about prior to me accusing him of caring for her.

Her looks? I would say she is a "plain Jane". Not more attractive than me BUT 10 years younger. She is very petite and I'm tall. She is VERY outspoken and I'm quiet. She also had a reputation for sleeping with a lot of men at the office prior to her marriage. Dee would be a prize catch over me because she earns the same amount of income as my husband and has a large pension. I have nothing.

My husband? Not a looker but it is all about his personality. He is one of the nicest people I've ever known and he would give you the shirt off of his back.

Her Husband? Not a looker and believe it or not, resembles my husband LOL! I don't know if he is a nice person but I do know he left his first wife and children for Dee.

My husband has not tried to improve his appearance and I haven't noticed an extreme amount of money disappearing. BUT I think his "Am I good in bed" question was him possibly trying to get reinforcement for what he was ABOUT to do. I think there was about to be "physical" contact in the near future but I may have nipped it in the bud with my accusations.

They say emotional affairs are much worse than having a one-night stand. The two people actually start to get feelings for each other and may fall in love.

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@BillRM,

Well all you need to do is look up the stats on what porn is doing to marriages. A lot of divorces are happening because of porn. The men get to a point when they can no longer perform in bed with their wife because they need the excitement of porn to get it up. And when they start becoming immune to the "fetish" of the week, they have to move it up a notch to more perverse or hard-core porn. Their brains start to rewire and it changes their views about woman. Some men have even attempted rape because they were into watching that type of hard-core porn .

Having a dream is completely different than voluntarily watching porn.

Yes, he may be better off without me.

1 Reply

@killing me softly,

Quote:

Well all you need to do is look up the stats on what porn is doing to marriages. A lot of divorces are happening because of porn.

Where do you get your information from the Christian channels?

Quote:

hey can no longer perform in bed with their wife because they need the excitement of porn to get it up.

LOL I do not think that my wife have any complains that I had lost any interest in her over the decades as my sexual partner!!!!!!!!!

Quote:

Yes, he may be better off without me.

We agree on that it would seems.

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@killing me softly,

Reading through this, I feel for both of you, but mainly for your husband, who it appears to me, has just been involved in a normal friendship with a female.

My reasoning is as below :

Quote:

My husband was transferred to a new area at his job at the end of 2011.

15 years ago he drove DEE to work but didn't tell be about it. I found out only because he was leaving 10 minutes earlier for several days so he told me he was taking someone to work. Of course he didn't volunteer that it was a woman....I had to ask.
10 minutes early –he’s doing a favour for a friend. They certainly wouldn’t even have time for a quicky with that limited time frame (when you consider travel time, and for a woman, after sex make-up time)…so it’s friendship.
What if he didn't tell you – not out of spite, but simply because he foresaw what your reaction would be?

Then, I'm shopping with my husband a few years later and DEE comes up and hugs him then has the gall to give me a snarl of a look. This upset me and my husband said that he couldn't help it if she hugged him. So he didn’t look guilty? Was it a ‘I’m sick of your jealousy of a friend’ snarl?

But what made her feel so comfortable with my husband that she thought that she could? Friendship?

A few years later, my husband comes home and tells me Dee is getting married to Steve and she is WAY too good for him. I again was stunned. Whay does HE care if Dee is too good for Steve? Friendship? Wake up - of course he cares about her. That doesn’t mean he wants to hop into bed with her.

She runs up to the side of our car and my husband gets out and they beggin to talk. No one acknowledged me.....it was like I wasn't even there. Have you considered that she knew what your reaction would be, and may not have wanted to deal with that if they included you? Rude, but also understandable

My husband apologized but I began to remember all the other run-ins we had with her so I was really upset. Of course – he wants to keep the peace, but also won’t give up his friendship – as is his right (to both keep his friends, and to want a peaceful marriage).

I have noticed BIG changes in our marriage. First he worked TONS of over-time, all of which can be verified So this is legitmate – and background information.

There were days that my husband worked 16 hours, went to bed and did it all over again. That is HUGE.

Well I later find out that DEE is also working tons of overtime. So? If they work in the same office, doing similar types of work, she obviously would. Even if it’s different sort of work – it’s in the same office which has large amounts of overtime going.

My husband never asks me about my day...........He has not wanted sex the entire year of 2012 and the 2 times that we were intimate, I initiated it. The vast majority of people lose their sex drive when they are overworked. Likely your husband isn’t any different in this.

He never asks about my day or how my business is doing. Overtired?

I told him that he use to care and ask about it. He said he was just humoring me for the last 2 years. I was HEART broken! Overtired? – can’t be bothered getting into a dramatic argument – too draining –say whatever to end the argument….? Rude, yes. Understandable?

His eating habits changed and table manners changed. He wanted ALL gaseous foods out of his diet and he complained about the meals I made that he has liked for YEARS! Err... Did you know by the way, that people who do shift work, or excessive overtime – especially middle aged and older people, are prone to Irritable Bowel Syndrome? Look it up on the internet – this could have been for medical reasons.

He started using words that he has NEVER used before He moved to a new office. It may have a new culture, it may have articulate people, it may have rude people…they work a LOT of overtime together – in which circumstances, such things often rub off.

But things were still very strange. He seemed distant from me, he was here but not here. Excessive overtime, leading to excessive tiredness, leads to less tolerance for minor irritations. The more tired a person, the lower the tolerance threshold. When it goes on too long with the same irritations – the tired person starts distancing themself.

One day my husband wanted to eat a REAL gassy meal (Mexican with beans) I was surprised. I told him he hasn't wanted to that in months! He said he did today AND he wanted a beer. Probably got sick of not being able to eat things he liked.

My mind was racing!!!!! I just had to ask him this question but in a nonchalant way......"So, is Dee working tomorrow?" he said "No, she's on vacation on week!" I was LIVID!!!!!!!!!!!! Why should he tell you when she’s on holidays?
And what has she got to do with his changed eating habits - which are probably symptoms of IBS?

Didn't want to put the tree up, didn't want to decorate, didn't want any Christmas gifts. SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much NOT like him. He's worn out?

He also started talking more and more about money. How he wished we saved 100,000 dollars ????????? Is it what he thinks he needs, so he doesn’t have to work so hard before retirement?

He told me that I had to get a job and he didn't care if it was at McDonalds. This from my loving husband who USE to support me and told me I didn't have to work!!!!! Is he worn out, and wanting some help?

I think you get the idea without going through the rest.

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I think he has been unfaithful but he keeps denying it. I don't know what to believe. PLEASE HELP!

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