Sun 6 Jan, 2013 11:55 pm
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 11 months and we became sexually active after the 3rd month. We were each other's firsts so a whole new world came into play for us both. We have fought our parents, and what everyone says to stay together, we are very much still in love, and still affectionate. But it's not the same affection as it was a couple of months ago. We still hold hands, kiss whenever, hug, wrestle with each other, laugh, compliment each other, admire each other, cuddle, nap together, go almost everywhere with each other, but it used to include seduction as well. Like a spank here and there, groping, teasing, licking, grinding but now it seems like i'm the only one who still shows affection like that.
Our sex life was good, could've been better but it was still really good. We had sex maybe 1-3 times a week, and I would always give him oral or hand jobs even if he asked or not. It became a daily thing for me to please him because I wanted him to feel good and I wanted him to maybe give me a little something-something back...but I don't get anything. Out of our whole relationship he maybe has gone down on me 5 times, fingered maybe 10. At first he didn't like doing it because he didn't really know what he was doing and felt bad because he couldn't do it. But now he has stopped trying. Even when I beg him, plead him and hint at it he won't do it. I wasn't the greatest at bj's and hj's but hey, with 10 months of practice you get pretty good. I tried to be laid back about it for the past 3 months but I have a high sex drive and he did too for a long time, but now his sex drive has gone down a lot and he's supposed to be in his prime. He's a year older than me, ranking at 18. I've talked to him about this recently because I've become a little upset and he assures me it has nothing to do with me, it's not my looks or weight (which aren't bad at all) but I'm still very insecure, thinking that it is me. Maybe i'm not hot enough? If I looked like Natalie Portman (one of his favourite lady actresses) would he want me more? Probably...so I can't help feeling like it's because I'm not good enough for him.
Anyways....he has a constant tendancy to finish too early or not be able to keep it up. At the beginning of our experiences it happened often but some of the times he could last pretty long. Every time, and for a long time now it has been an in-and-out sequence. He has become very upset with himself and we have tried everything: More masturbation, doing it once before and then trying sex later in the day, trying it more than once to see if it lasts the second time, numbing condoms, condoms on and condoms off, putting a really tight elastic around the bottom of the shaft to trap the blood. Nothing has worked and he has lost all hope. He has shut down and no longer wants to try, he feels useless. I reassure him every time that it's okay and I don't mind, it's the intimacey that counts for me but it doesn't help him.
For the past month or so pleasing him was a daily basis thing, to make him feel good and maybe want me, yes. But I wondered if his sex drive decreasing was because of that. So I stopped doing it for a while and he became really horny as had I. We kept that mood for about 3 days and on the night we were getting all undressed to do it, his friends showed up at the door claiming to be a cock-block. They thought it was funny. So I thought, oh well we can wait until tomorrow. He texted me later that night when his friends left, saying he was going to watch porn on his 3D tv. I got defensive and told him that I knew if he masterbated he was not going to be horny for me the next day. I was right. His mood had stopped and he had no intention of doing it with me, but he never expressed it. So I sat, horny all day, waiting anxiously for our fun and he fell asleep an hour before we were supposed to. I didn't wake him because I was discouraged to know he obviously didn't care enough. He claims it was his Tylonel3's that put him to sleep, and that I believe, but I still knew he hadn't wanted to even try and help me. He let me down and I was very upset. I have become sexually frustrated and so I talked to him about it.
He says he's sorry and he wishes he could explain why he doesn't want to do it anymore, and why he barely does it himself. He thinks it's stress getting to him, but I am just a stressful as him and my sexual drive is just as high. I am getting a very short end and it's happened way too fast. I don't like have to bitch at him to get him to do anything to me either. He doesn't go down on me, finger me, he won't even use the vibrator on me and that doesn't take any work at all. I don't know what to do anymore and I need advice.
How should I be handling this? What could the problem be? Why can't he last? What can I do to help him last longer? Can I increase his self esteem or sex drive? Is there anything I can do to make him want me, or want to please me without bitching and begging for it? (It's rather embarrassing to beg my boyfriend to please me when he's so quick to receive such things himself) Like I said our regular affections have not disrupted, only the seductive like ones and it's only him stopping that kind of fun. I accused him of being bored of me, or wanting someone else and he denies it. He hasn't cheated. He's not gay. It's not my looks or weight. I don't want an answer that resorts to breaking up with him because I love him and he loves me, we've given up everything for one another and we have fought to be together. We won't give up being with each other.
I am desperately seeking this advice, as I cannot go to my parents about it (they're mad just knowing i'm sexually active), and I wouldn't want to embarrass him to my friends asking them for advice. So please ASAP help me, I'm too becoming hopeless, frustrated and very insecure.
We have also tried different positions, different places (shower, bed, car, floor) He can't help it and he feels soo bad
The first clear red flags i see are 1) he could get it up enough to watch porn on his 3d tv. Sorry but porn can ruin relationships. He may be in his prime but if he's gotten used to watching girls with 36DDD boobs take a giant penis for 30 minutes while she sticks her tongue everywhere possible...that kind of numbs your brain to sensual things you do with your spouse/gf, etc. If you're used to seeing perfect 10 models naked while you masturbate it's going to affect the way your brain interprets your gf's kissing and grabbing you etc. There's a reason when a girl acts like she likes you at 12 yrs old that your penis gets hard and it's not cause you don't have stress, it's because your brain is going crazy over those emotions. You numb this down so much when you watch porn and masturbate to it, you also get used to NOT having to do anything to another person, porn/masturbation involves 1 person and it's all about yourself. You don't have to do any work at all, so you go from visual of perfect 10 model with giant boobs and no work to get sexual satisfaction ..... to...... have to do work and it's your g/f who you're always with etc. it just numbs your emotions to how wonderful it should be with your partner......... red flag 2) Tylenol 3's..... i used to be hooked on painkillers and the first thing i can tell you is when you take a painkiller it makes you feel good... when they wear off your body gets super sensitive and makes premature ejaculation almost guaranteed. When i was addicted i had a problem getting hard... unless i was using.... my body was so wrapped around that if i didn't have it in my system i wasn't getting hard. You need to talk to him about it NICELY (he'll be more inclined to open up) and explain to him exactly how you feel and that you're concerned about the fact that you asked him not to watch the porn and he didn't care, went ahead and did it anyways, why?!?!) That's pretty much the same as having sex with another woman... intimacy is between the two of you, not between him and a tv/porn... when he's watching porn even if he's thinking about you he's still getting excited at the thought of another woman... Communication is the biggest thing.... if he can't seriously open up and say here's my problem and i haven't been honest.... or if he's not atleast willing to go see a dr. together about it then i'd be worried something is going on behind the scenes.... I had erection problems for a while with my wife, it was a combination of stress, too much caffeine and too much porn... my wife had a book made of her in all these sexy outfits etc. and i LOVE looking at it and playing with myself, but not to ejaculation... i don't do that without her being present... we also send dirty text messages during the day or send each other quick pics like down her pants or mine etc. and it leads up all day until we finally get together and hot and it ends up being extremely intense and brings us closer together emotionally....
You talk a lot about sex, but not much about his life or where he thinks this "stress" is coming from. Is he in school and working?
An 18 year old is not mature enough to play house and think like a husband AND be a sex machine. Most 18 year old men/boys don't really know how to make love. They watch porn and think it should be like that: he's got low self esteem trying to emulate those male porn stars.
I think he's too young for you. Even though he probably has the same sex "drive" as you do, he gets his satisfaction from masturbation and watching porn and a quickie. He has no idea he is making love with another person.
You could use a vibrator to get your sex drive down a little bit. But the issue is really with him - and you, for expecting an 18 year old man/boy to be something he is not.