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Perfect relationship being hit by arguments

 
 
Reply Sat 8 Dec, 2012 05:20 pm
Hi,

I am a 22 year old student, who loves his girlfriend to an extent which cannot be defined. I know myself to be smart, rational and calculating with most things that matter.
My girlfriend and I live together, we go to classes together and we never spend time apart, if we do its either out of duty for a few days once every 4 months or for a few minutes once a day. We have been together for more than a year now but have been this way for around 7months. As soon as we met we had something special which I knew was there before I met her.
She is my life, I have never felt this way before and I know I will never again, this is said many times by many but this woman is exceptional and proper, unlike any other. Apart from her beauty, her personality is fantastic. Now to the reason I write this, we are both very stubborn. Our arguments are the type that cannot be solved, recurring and honestly stupid. We try to prove each other wrong on too many things and most of the time I feel that her point is completely off until I tell her and she tries rectifying it to somehow fit. I also feel she argues for the sake of arguing sometimes bringing up whatever she can to prove me wrong even things that cannot make sense or that are so far away in the past, even things that could relate but that are completely different.
All in all, I am a very opinionated person, yet I still let many things pass and hold arguments but many times it is impossible for me to restrain my thoughts. Sometimes I feel that whatever I might say about some given topics might provoke some reaction which I would rather avoid. Regardless, I love her more than anything in the world, I might be young but in my life I had never been happy before I met her, I long for her when I am away and the comfort and happiness she brings me outweighs the world. To exemplify, when we she hugs me and I kiss her while holding tight, her eyes close and she gives a smile worth everything to me, it brings light into anything, emotions submerge me and I drown in them, it represents one of the happiest moments of my life.
I have no idea how exactly to fix these arguments, I have discussed it with her and I have tried remaining silent but both did not work out, I am not a psychologist and I am not able to find a way to limit the many effects of those arguments, my anger and sadness truly prevail at that time. My question is, does anyone have any kind of way to help me, I do not want anything stopping us from being a family eventually, I want her as mother of my children and after getting to know as many women as I did, I am confident I will never have any other than her and if not her, I would settle with being an uncle to my brother and sister's children.

Thank you for reading this, any input would be truly a gift
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Type: Discussion • Score: 5 • Views: 1,358 • Replies: 10
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jespah
 
  2  
Reply Sat 8 Dec, 2012 05:27 pm
@Lawers10,
Stop spending 24/7 together.

Seriously.

That kind of uber-togetherness makes a lot of people pick fights for no reason, and/or stretch them out beyond reason.

Have some experiences that are not her-centric. She should have some that are not you-centric. And then you will have plenty of things to talk about that are not arguments.
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  2  
Reply Sat 8 Dec, 2012 05:29 pm
I agree, that's a whole lot of togetherness.

I just talked to a neighbor who is retired. His wife recently retired also, but just started working again part-time. They're OK financially, but (and I forget exactly how he said this), they were spending way too much time together. Working gets her out of the house and everyone is happier.

And these are people who have been (by all appearances) happily married for something like 40 years.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Sat 8 Dec, 2012 05:47 pm
@Lawers10,
I tried to reply to the other thread but it must have been a duplicate. Anyway, my reaction is the same or more so than Jespah's and Sozobe's. Claustrophobia! Smothering!

First, no relationship is ever perfect: perfect is just plain the wrong word to go with the word relationship.

A relationship is an ongoing process with two people who are by definition different from each other - and may grow even more different with interests and opinions - and who work out a life (or less time than a life) together. Each person is in a process of growth, or not growth - growing up in the first place, becoming more mature over time, sometimes a long time. Growing in opinion forming. Growing in ability to discuss opinions and not have to somehow win. Letting the other person be herself or himself.

Finally, I'll add my own 2 cents: love is a product of the relationship in time. It is not romantic infatuation, although that is sometimes a start.

This quandary reminds me of an author I once was quite sick of hearing about, having first been very enthusiastic. But as time passes, I've tempered my distaste since I still basically agree with him on some matters. That's Kahlil Gibran; the book was The Prophet. His wording gets my goat and I've no interest in rereading him, but that book had practical value.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Sat 8 Dec, 2012 06:08 pm
@ossobuco,
Well, I'll add that you shouldn't spend every moment together, and you should have your own interests.

That said :
Quote:
Our arguments are the type that cannot be solved,
Rubbish - you simply want your self to be right.
Quote:
recurring and honestly stupid.
probably true enough.

Quote:
We try to prove each other wrong on too many things and most of the time
And you wonder why you can't resolve arguments?

Quote:
I feel that her point is completely off until I tell her and she tries rectifying it to somehow fit.
At a guess, you likely do this to.

Quote:
I also feel she argues for the sake of arguing sometimes bringing up whatever she can to prove me wrong
Isn't this what you said you do?

Quote:
even things that cannot make sense or that are so far away in the past, even things that could relate but that are completely different.
that's probably a matter of perspective

Quote:
All in all, I am a very opinionated person, yet I still let many things pass and hold arguments but many times it is impossible for me to restrain my thoughts.
Being opinionated isn't the problem. It's how you handle your opinions and those of others that is causing the problem.

Is it that you want the arguments to stop, while you still want to be right? If you differ, you don't want her to think she's right? This is the girl you are head over heals in love with? You don't want her to think she's right?

What's more important to you? Your opinion, or peace?

And why not just grow up and accept that people are allowed differences of opinion - they are after all, just that - opinions.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 8 Dec, 2012 06:23 pm
@vikorr,
I think control may be an issue here, but probably not on purpose by Lawers, just that it is happening to his romance.
0 Replies
 
Lawers10
 
  1  
Reply Sat 8 Dec, 2012 06:29 pm
@vikorr,
Thank you for your reply. Firstly I would like to point out that as mentioned above, I try not arguing at all yet sometimes for example when told I did something wrong, I defend myself. An example would be you telling me that I mentioned I am an idiot in my previous post and me telling you I did not, once you see that you tell me that you meant that the idea my post revolves around is idiocy, which still isn't really true because I would than analyse my figure of speeches, tone, etc... Briefly it's the accusation which bothers me and I cannot remain idle and take blame for something like that. Also, solving by default means finding common ground which is accepted by both or simply not postponed for a laters occurrence. I am in general not the type to ever try find reasons to argue. As I said in my post, I always think of anything I say at this point as to not create a problem.
Also I am one to always accept opinions but when factual information is released, undeniable facts like you need a heart to be alive
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Sat 8 Dec, 2012 06:42 pm
I will add that I took you, Lawers, as a smart win the argument control person, and it may be more complicated.

Still, I think you are working on a romantic premise that won't work out. Real life might if you two talk a lot more.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Sun 9 Dec, 2012 02:10 am
@Lawers10,
Hi Osso, that's a possibility, and certainly I don't think it's from conscious awareness.

Hi Lawers,

Quote:
I try not arguing at all yet
Do you realise how much this contradicts your previous statements?

Quote:
when told I did something wrong, I defend myself.
Most people do...and it rarely works. Do you know why?

If not, let me ask you a question...if someone hurts you, and you tell them....and they then ignore what you are saying, to tell you how unreasonable you are...or they attack you...how do you immediately feel (honestly?)...how do you react to that...in the instant?

Do you recognise the lack of care involved on the part of a person who dismisses your hurt?

Do you realise how that makes people react?

There's an old saying 'they don't care how much you know until they know how much you care'. That is to say - in conflict, knowledge (right / wrong / justifications etc) is irrelevant until they first know how much you care.

Quote:
Briefly it's the accusation which bothers me and I cannot remain idle and take blame for something like that.
No one says you have to. In fact you should always stand up for yourself. The question is - in what way are you standing up for yourself, and is it working - for both you (first), and your girlfriend? It of course must work for you first (never do something that makes you disrespect yourself), and then your girlfriend (with respect)

Quote:
As I said in my post, I always think of anything I say at this point as to not create a problem.
'Not to create a problem' for who? (see above)

Also, the words themselves aren't anywhere near as important as the tone with which they are conveyed, and the body language behind them (the words).

Most of it takes time to learn, and it's worth every moment spent.

0 Replies
 
hingehead
 
  1  
Reply Sun 9 Dec, 2012 03:16 am
@Lawers10,
Jinx private
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sun 9 Dec, 2012 03:01 pm
The guy's 22 years old. Cut him some slack. He will learn that hot love and arguments are exhausting work. Some time and maturity will cure everything.

0 Replies
 
 

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