Where do I go from here?

Hi Code,

Do you understand that counselling is not just for people with problems, but people involved with problems? None of us are born with the ability to deal with problems - we need to learn them. All of us learn useful things in our lives, but we all have a lack of learned ability to deal with particular issues...hence why counselling can help.

One thing you need to understand - our beliefs affect our actions, and our actions affect our beliefs...any time you act contrary to your beliefs (if done so often enough, which is usually only 3 times +) you will modify your beliefs...

The problem here is that if you accept another persons version of events...you will through 'lack of action' (which is an action) modify your beliefs...(see next brackets)

In other words - you know who you are and what you think is right, but in allowing your wife to control who you have as friends - you change your beliefs to accomodate that...(you don't always get rid of the old belief - sometimes you add in a belief that 'explains' the contradiction)

Fortunately or unfortunately - your beliefs in this area are incredibly deep, and you are now stuck in a conumdrum - how do you reclaim your right to friendship (with either male or female friends) and keep your marriage?

You can do this - so long as you are prepared to accept that your wife is who she is (ie. she will scream and rage at you), even while you have the right to your friendships...and you stand up for that right (no matter how she tries to paint it - you hold on to your goodness, and your right to friends...and you actively do so)

It's not perfect. She needs help, and you need to be yourself...decide what's acceptable to you, and behave accordingly. If from there the relationship itself becomes a problem - then you can decide where to go with full acceptance of who you are, and who she is.

That's the simplified version - it's no easy to achieve though

She is on medication - for WHAT?

These jealous rages are probably just ONE symptom and unless she stays on medication, you will not get to see the real woman you love.

This is very sad. You need to talk to her counselor together and figure out how you are going to stay in a marriage where you will be attacked, emotionally and, most likely in the future, physically.

Hi Code.

I gather you believe in marriage for ever.. I hope codeblu is not a thought in the wrong direction, regarding yourself because whilst you can not change a person, you can change your life and how you choose to live it.

Emotional abuse is one of the worst abuse in my opinion, because the constant put downs wear you thin and at some stage, some people actually start to believe what they are being told.. Those words are usually spoken as you stated, through in-security and the intent is to belittle you so far that you think that you are not worthy ever, of anyone else. It's a form of control.

I get the opinion that if she takes medication things are alot better, but they are not all roses. You need to laugh, smile, be happy. We only live once.

Do not let another person, put you down so far that you feel that you have sunk and you can't swim because you can swim...

What you experienced was traumatic, if it frightened you that much and if it has kept you away from her.

You need to speak to someone about it, understand it in its totality and realise that nothing you could have possibly have done, should have provoked such a response as you recieved.

Honestly? I would find somewhere to go for a couple of months, talk this out with a councellor so you can 1) find some peace, 2) understand it is not your fault and 3) re-claim who you are, find yourself again before you met this woman and then decide what you want to do from there.

No one deserves to feel the way you are feeling and no one has the right to make you feel that way.. This is your life.

Thank you for your response.
Yes, I do understand the scope of counseling, which is why we both go. I also attended the initial meeting with the psychiatrist we were referred to
for support and so that I understand as much as I can about what's going on. These are recent actions I have taken.
It is because I will not sacrifice certain principles and beliefs that we have conflicts.
My dilemma at this point, is in determining whether or not this marriage is doomed. Do I accept that because she requires medication to "maintain" it is my duty to stand by her, fearing that she could stop taking the medication again? Is it selfish to say 'no more' under the circumstances?

Hi Punkey
I'm not sure that the specific reason for her taking medication is what's important. Whether it's for blood pressure or cancer, it's how the medication impacts us that poses uncertainty.
I believe I have seen the "real woman". I fell in love with her. I want her back.

Yes, Found Soul, I do believe in marriage forever. But I also believe in the truth. I believe that my circumstance asks me to either honor my vows or live hearing a constant ticking.
You're right. Emotional abuse sucks! I feel like I am in some sort of stupor.
I have always been that person who says something funny to break the silence on a crowded elevator. People who know me know I'm always smiling or laughing. That's me. That's who I am. That's the truth. Thank you for taking time out of your day to help lift this stranger.